What was your unhappy marriage like?

[Anonymous]

Interestingly my ex was a habitual liar stealing money and having affairs so maybe I should also be more untrusting and passive aggressive, but it's not how I want to live my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These all sound exactly like my DH. What is it with men and anger issues?

Normally, it's the wife who makes the husband angry. This example will sound stupid, but it's a perfect reflection of many issues.

Example: Why is it when a married couple driving somewhere the wife needs to give "direction" or "opinion" to the husband who's driving? Watch that car. Park here. See that car? Does the wife think if she wasn't in the car the husband wouldn't be able to drive? Then the husband gets irritated with the feedback since he's been driving 20-30 years and probably a better driver than the wife.

If you read into these common situations, you realize the wife is the reason the husband is angry. You don't see the husband angry when he's driving alone...

This is funny because my husband does this to me while I drive. It’s not inherently men or women, it’s anger issues in both spouses. In your example though, the nagging shouldn’t result in an outburst. I would hope that as adults we can use our words and tell our spouse that the criticism is not helpful and please refrain from doing that.

This is what would happen in one of my relationships except bigger put downs and I'm such a victim you don't care about me type of behavior despite trying to accommodate in some way whatever the request was that always involved me bending over backwards and then the person would keep doing it. To the point where I then got angry because my feelings and wishes were completely invalidated, and I was being treated like a distrusting person and they were asking me to do unreasonable things. I know that is an issue of mine that sometimes I shout saying back off or something when I've reached a boiling point, but some people are so anxious and passive aggressive like this that they think they can get away with it forever. Constantly be distrusting and because they just nag and put down so they feel at ease and in control or power it doesn't mean anything. At least with anger most people realize it's getting out of hand and there is a stopping point. We then stop and calm down and talk things through. With the belittling and distrusting and passive aggressive behavior there is often no end. At the end of any of these discussions would be some apology like I'm sorry if I said something that made you upset rather than having any self-realization on the actual behavior and why they were doing it.

One example of this was when I needed to be picked up after an appointment in a big office complex after something that involved him as well while my car was being fixed that I was handling for both of us so I was hoping he would actually come up to the office to make sure he was in agreement with everything at the end which would have been the normal thing to do if we were both involved and he insisted that I walk down and meet him in some obscure parking lot and meet him right at 5 pm so he could get out of the parking lot easily. I assured him I did this for the price we discussed which had been his one concern before the appointment and asked if he was just reacting to the fear of the price and he assured me he just wanted to leave quickly. I asked if I could just call him when done because I wasn't sure the exact time I'd be finished or knew the exact parking lot he was talking about but knew we'd be done by 5:10 at the latest and could I just meet him at the front door of the office at the drop off. He refused saying I was being difficult and then went on to whine about the cost. This was actually something we had agreed upon as a Christmas gift to each other. Eventually I shouted because he was being unreasonable and not meeting me halfway on anything and I was handling the affair for both of us and setting a pickup time that worked with his schedule give or take 5 minutes. I was told that he was sorry if he upset me as an apology eventually but also told how he also had to call to get assurance on the financials himself. It was many of these passive aggressive behaviors and black/white thinking where no matter how much I accommodated him there would still be an issue.

[Anonymous]

DH is on antidrepessants and anti anxiety meds. I'm on medical marijuana and microdose mushrooms. We live on separate wings of the house. Don't vacation together. Socialize together 1x a year max. Like this, it has finally become bearable.

Things we tried but don't do anymore because it was bad/not helpful: couples counseling, individual therapy, separation, religion

[Anonymous]

Constantly critical. Never complimented me. Super negative. No wedding, anniversaries celebrated. Didn’t want to go out on dates unless he was interested in the restaurant itself - it wasn’t about time together. Wanted sex regularly but it wasn’t emotional and so my libido was low. Very controlling. He made a good living so I was resigned to staying for the kids. It reached a point where I lost all autonomy over my life and the things I care about, so I left him. I actually am so much happier and my depression magically disappeared (though I did a lot of therapy and found patterns with how my parents treated me, they’re also no longer in my life).

I never imagined that I could feel as light and free as I do without XH. It’s like I have so much potential now - career, personal growth, happiness, love. I do mourn the time with my kids since I see them less. But they also get a more fully actualized mother so in the longterm I think it will be better for them.

It makes me doubt when people say they’d stay together for the kids because the difference in myself is so undeniable that I can’t imagine anyone who stays together (other than for financial reasons) could possibly have good mental health, and eventually physical health, longterm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Constantly critical. Never complimented me. Super negative. No wedding, anniversaries celebrated. Didn’t want to go out on dates unless he was interested in the restaurant itself - it wasn’t about time together. Wanted sex regularly but it wasn’t emotional and so my libido was low. Very controlling. He made a good living so I was resigned to staying for the kids. It reached a point where I lost all autonomy over my life and the things I care about, so I left him. I actually am so much happier and my depression magically disappeared (though I did a lot of therapy and found patterns with how my parents treated me, they’re also no longer in my life).

I never imagined that I could feel as light and free as I do without XH. It’s like I have so much potential now - career, personal growth, happiness, love. I do mourn the time with my kids since I see them less. But they also get a more fully actualized mother so in the longterm I think it will be better for them.

It makes me doubt when people say they’d stay together for the kids because the difference in myself is so undeniable that I can’t imagine anyone who stays together (other than for financial reasons) could possibly have good mental health, and eventually physical health, longterm.

I think it depends on how much of a separate life you can carve out within the marriage. We have the equivalent of 50/50 parenting responsibilities but I choose to be around the house more to see the kids. I can do what I like in the rest of the time and have a job I like. For now despite the fact that the relationship is non-existent (or net negative), staying in one house with the kids is a net positive for the family and I do get to do stuff I want, except start a new relationship. If it got to the point that I seriously was prioritizing that I guess I would divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constantly critical. Never complimented me. Super negative. No wedding, anniversaries celebrated. Didn’t want to go out on dates unless he was interested in the restaurant itself - it wasn’t about time together. Wanted sex regularly but it wasn’t emotional and so my libido was low. Very controlling. He made a good living so I was resigned to staying for the kids. It reached a point where I lost all autonomy over my life and the things I care about, so I left him. I actually am so much happier and my depression magically disappeared (though I did a lot of therapy and found patterns with how my parents treated me, they’re also no longer in my life).

I never imagined that I could feel as light and free as I do without XH. It’s like I have so much potential now - career, personal growth, happiness, love. I do mourn the time with my kids since I see them less. But they also get a more fully actualized mother so in the longterm I think it will be better for them.

It makes me doubt when people say they’d stay together for the kids because the difference in myself is so undeniable that I can’t imagine anyone who stays together (other than for financial reasons) could possibly have good mental health, and eventually physical health, longterm.

I think it depends on how much of a separate life you can carve out within the marriage. We have the equivalent of 50/50 parenting responsibilities but I choose to be around the house more to see the kids. I can do what I like in the rest of the time and have a job I like. For now despite the fact that the relationship is non-existent (or net negative), staying in one house with the kids is a net positive for the family and I do get to do stuff I want, except start a new relationship. If it got to the point that I seriously was prioritizing that I guess I would divorce.

Yes, my separate life kept me going and I actually thought it was pretty good once we were in a stable place - forgot to add that XH was chaotic and constantly needed change in his life like moving/renovating/starting businesses. But the pandemic caused a lot of issues where I was pressured into quitting my job and then he moved us (said it wasn’t a permanent move but pulled a bait/switch) and then my separate life went *poof* overnight. Figured anyone who would destroy what I’d build like that was a terrible spouse and didn’t want to spend the next 40 years together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These all sound exactly like my DH. What is it with men and anger issues?

Normally, it's the wife who makes the husband angry. This example will sound stupid, but it's a perfect reflection of many issues.

Example: Why is it when a married couple driving somewhere the wife needs to give "direction" or "opinion" to the husband who's driving? Watch that car. Park here. See that car? Does the wife think if she wasn't in the car the husband wouldn't be able to drive? Then the husband gets irritated with the feedback since he's been driving 20-30 years and probably a better driver than the wife.

If you read into these common situations, you realize the wife is the reason the husband is angry. You don't see the husband angry when he's driving alone...

This did not make the point you wanted it to make.

[Anonymous]

He was controlling and critical of everything I said. I couldn’t walk into a room the right way, have the right facial expression, say the right thing, not say the wrong thing, speak or not speak the right amount, express the right amount of gratitude using the rights words, accept his gestures correctly, parent the right way in his presence. Everything I did was exasperating, incorrect, caused sighs and corrections. If I made one attempt to help him or declined anything he tried to do for me (even if I hadn’t asked and didn’t want it) it was an insult requiring contrition and apology. He would perseverate like a bulldog on Princess and the pea level perceived slights while hurling incredible invective, abuse, insults and obscenity at me in front of the kids and then blame me and sometimes the kids in front of them. He would not stop talking. He would tell me to get out of the house. I would have to leave the house, spend nights in hotels with my kids, leave trips. There was not one holiday he didn’t ruin. Anything that wasnt his plan or under his control he denigrated—my job, my friends, my family, my religion. He insulted my religion and ethnicity. He repeatedly physically hurt me, then said it did never happened. Nothing bad ever really happened he said. And it was all my fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These all sound exactly like my DH. What is it with men and anger issues?

Normally, it's the wife who makes the husband angry. This example will sound stupid, but it's a perfect reflection of many issues.

Example: Why is it when a married couple driving somewhere the wife needs to give "direction" or "opinion" to the husband who's driving? Watch that car. Park here. See that car? Does the wife think if she wasn't in the car the husband wouldn't be able to drive? Then the husband gets irritated with the feedback since he's been driving 20-30 years and probably a better driver than the wife.

If you read into these common situations, you realize the wife is the reason the husband is angry. You don't see the husband angry when he's driving alone...

Ugh there’s no way you’re happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These all sound exactly like my DH. What is it with men and anger issues?

Normally, it's the wife who makes the husband angry. This example will sound stupid, but it's a perfect reflection of many issues.

Example: Why is it when a married couple driving somewhere the wife needs to give "direction" or "opinion" to the husband who's driving? Watch that car. Park here. See that car? Does the wife think if she wasn't in the car the husband wouldn't be able to drive? Then the husband gets irritated with the feedback since he's been driving 20-30 years and probably a better driver than the wife.

If you read into these common situations, you realize the wife is the reason the husband is angry. You don't see the husband angry when he's driving alone...

This did not make the point you wanted it to make.

But it does actually. The wife saying all these things is exhibiting annoyance and frustration which is a form of anger. The man is just driving, and these are made up issues that haven't actually happened. If she feels that uncomfortable with him don't drive with him or have the kids drive with him or pick one issue that you discuss before he gets in the car with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These all sound exactly like my DH. What is it with men and anger issues?

Normally, it's the wife who makes the husband angry. This example will sound stupid, but it's a perfect reflection of many issues.

Example: Why is it when a married couple driving somewhere the wife needs to give "direction" or "opinion" to the husband who's driving? Watch that car. Park here. See that car? Does the wife think if she wasn't in the car the husband wouldn't be able to drive? Then the husband gets irritated with the feedback since he's been driving 20-30 years and probably a better driver than the wife.

If you read into these common situations, you realize the wife is the reason the husband is angry. You don't see the husband angry when he's driving alone...

This did not make the point you wanted it to make.

But it does actually. The wife saying all these things is exhibiting annoyance and frustration which is a form of anger. The man is just driving, and these are made up issues that haven't actually happened. If she feels that uncomfortable with him don't drive with him or have the kids drive with him or pick one issue that you discuss before he gets in the car with you.

Men do this all the time too. Things need to be done just this way. Black and White thinking. Not listening. Not caring about your partner's point of view. It happens with both sexes. People do not have a good relationship with this much level of distrust and constant comments how you are interfering with their boundaries. If you have that many boundaries someone is hitting its on you to make a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These all sound exactly like my DH. What is it with men and anger issues?

Normally, it's the wife who makes the husband angry. This example will sound stupid, but it's a perfect reflection of many issues.

Example: Why is it when a married couple driving somewhere the wife needs to give "direction" or "opinion" to the husband who's driving? Watch that car. Park here. See that car? Does the wife think if she wasn't in the car the husband wouldn't be able to drive? Then the husband gets irritated with the feedback since he's been driving 20-30 years and probably a better driver than the wife.

If you read into these common situations, you realize the wife is the reason the husband is angry. You don't see the husband angry when he's driving alone...

Um. My husband does that anytime I’m driving.

[Anonymous]

Another reason to never get married.

[Anonymous]

Silent treatment, always negative, cut me off of my friends, always sat at home or shopped.
Some kind of special needs suspected. I left and he took himself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Silent treatment, always negative, cut me off of my friends, always sat at home or shopped.
Some kind of special needs suspected. I left and he took himself out.

What you mean he killed himself??