What was your unhappy marriage like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is lazy as anyone I know. Married 12 years. We have one nine year old who is at school almost 40 hours a week. He plays one sport which I take him to all practices and games.

She hates to cook, clean the house, do the laundry, doesn't want to return to work, doesn't want to go back to school. Doesn't have any hobbies besides being on YouTube or social media. Literally has 10-14 hours of screen time on her iPhone. I check weekly and roll my eyes.

I run two businesses. Cook at home. Do my laundry. Clean the house. Take care of paying all bills, saving up for college, paying taxes, investing, etc. All she does is shop and stare at her phone. I take care of our kid's school conferences, talk to the teachers, schedule what our kid does at home, schedule play dates, etc.

I am basically a single father raising a nine year old and my wife. Yes, as many deadbeat fathers there are...there are many deadbeat mothers.

Sure, there are some dead beat mothers. Not many, though - just look at the rate of single mothers raising kids alone, single mothers raising kids with some help from the father, married or cohabiting mothers doing 80% of the household and childcare burden.

Of course some women aren’t stepping up, but it’s hardly proportional to the number of dead beat sperm donors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These all sound exactly like my DH. What is it with men and anger issues?

Yes, many men can be asholes, but many women can be moody, irascible, passive aggressive, outright rude, and high conflict and will instigate an argument with incessant insults or digs at their husband. Men, naturally, have a hard time when their character is impugned and will respond angrily. Men are less vocal than women on the whole, and so so many times you hear of men getting fed up when they are so constantly criticized at every turn. Basically, look internally. Did you harangue your husband on a frequent basis, point out flaws all the time, or was he just an ahole for no reason? That’s possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had no ambition.
He didn't read.
He was terrible with money
He had mood disorders--
He drank too much.
He made us walk on egg shells.
He wasn't fun to talk to so we didn't talk

We met young and it was great for a long time because he was fun, social, adventurous, we had the same friends, he was good looking etc. Grow old and all that wears off. He eventually cheated on me. I am so much happier now.

Same. I don't get why they change What is it about the younger years that they think they want a married life and then hate it? It's not like they didn't grow up in a family and don't know what they are getting into.

To add on, it's a mentality thing. The doctor this morning was so friendly and caring and kept asking questions making sure I was ok and checking that he did everything well. Huge smile. I told him I noticed how alert and attentive he was and he said it was because his 3 year old is always an adventure in the morning so he's wide awake by the time he comes into the office. Was talking pridefully about his wife having a new baby. He had a job in the morning and a preschooler and a pregnant wife and it was like nothing could keep him down. I don't understand why for some people it's just a facade and how you weed that out.

How do you know what he is showing you isn’t a facade? That’s very common among doctors. They are at their best with patients not with their own families.

Maybe but he was just very attentive and kind and just happy. Seemed easygoing for me but conscientious for himself. He did all the work himself. I was just struck by the words he used to talk about his more annoying family duties in a positive fun and genuine way rather than whining about life. Maybe he is a terrible father, but at least his mood is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to say, the more i read relationship internet forums the less surprised i am that lesbians have the highest divorce rate out of any type of marriage

explain?

Just look how women blame everything on their partner and give them a laundry list of things for them to improve on while not be willing to improve themselves.

[Anonymous]

I felt like we had both signed up for a marathon together but then every time I looked around he wasn't running by my side and I was doing it all myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is lazy as anyone I know. Married 12 years. We have one nine year old who is at school almost 40 hours a week. He plays one sport which I take him to all practices and games.

She hates to cook, clean the house, do the laundry, doesn't want to return to work, doesn't want to go back to school. Doesn't have any hobbies besides being on YouTube or social media. Literally has 10-14 hours of screen time on her iPhone. I check weekly and roll my eyes.

I run two businesses. Cook at home. Do my laundry. Clean the house. Take care of paying all bills, saving up for college, paying taxes, investing, etc. All she does is shop and stare at her phone. I take care of our kid's school conferences, talk to the teachers, schedule what our kid does at home, schedule play dates, etc.

I am basically a single father raising a nine year old and my wife. Yes, as many deadbeat fathers there are...there are many deadbeat mothers.

The part in bold gave you away. You’re a controlling nightmare and she’s depressed from dealing with your emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had no ambition.
He didn't read.
He was terrible with money
He had mood disorders--
He drank too much.
He made us walk on egg shells.
He wasn't fun to talk to so we didn't talk

We met young and it was great for a long time because he was fun, social, adventurous, we had the same friends, he was good looking etc. Grow old and all that wears off. He eventually cheated on me. I am so much happier now.

Same. I don't get why they change What is it about the younger years that they think they want a married life and then hate it? It's not like they didn't grow up in a family and don't know what they are getting into.

To add on, it's a mentality thing. The doctor this morning was so friendly and caring and kept asking questions making sure I was ok and checking that he did everything well. Huge smile. I told him I noticed how alert and attentive he was and he said it was because his 3 year old is always an adventure in the morning so he's wide awake by the time he comes into the office. Was talking pridefully about his wife having a new baby. He had a job in the morning and a preschooler and a pregnant wife and it was like nothing could keep him down. I don't understand why for some people it's just a facade and how you weed that out.

How do you know what he is showing you isn’t a facade? That’s very common among doctors. They are at their best with patients not with their own families.

Maybe but he was just very attentive and kind and just happy. Seemed easygoing for me but conscientious for himself. He did all the work himself. I was just struck by the words he used to talk about his more annoying family duties in a positive fun and genuine way rather than whining about life. Maybe he is a terrible father, but at least his mood is better.

Yes dear that’s why it’s called a facade, it’s because it’s incredibly convincing. You have met more than one man in your life who thinks he loves his family and probably acts like he loves his family to the outside world but gives them a very hard time behind closed doors. We all have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constant belittling me and gaslighting. Nothing I did was good enough. I was working and paying all the bills. He did not work for 14 years, but refused to help at home. He told me if we divorced I would have to pay alimony for him. He passed 2 years ago. I am stuck with his debts that he had hidden from me.

I know my marriage is unhappy because I have more than a tinge of jealousy for this lady with the dead husband.

I totally get this! I often fantasize about being a widow...

Everytime I blow out the candle on my birthday cake, I wish him dead. I’m a little jealous too.
Also speak with an attorney, I have gotten many spouses out of debt that the other spouse incurred.

Aw, I'm so sorry for you. I'm one of the PPs with the terrible husband. Don't waste any wishes on him. Focus on yourself. And I wish for you a lifetime of happiness going forward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had no ambition.
He didn't read.
He was terrible with money
He had mood disorders--
He drank too much.
He made us walk on egg shells.
He wasn't fun to talk to so we didn't talk

We met young and it was great for a long time because he was fun, social, adventurous, we had the same friends, he was good looking etc. Grow old and all that wears off. He eventually cheated on me. I am so much happier now.

Same. I don't get why they change What is it about the younger years that they think they want a married life and then hate it? It's not like they didn't grow up in a family and don't know what they are getting into.

To add on, it's a mentality thing. The doctor this morning was so friendly and caring and kept asking questions making sure I was ok and checking that he did everything well. Huge smile. I told him I noticed how alert and attentive he was and he said it was because his 3 year old is always an adventure in the morning so he's wide awake by the time he comes into the office. Was talking pridefully about his wife having a new baby. He had a job in the morning and a preschooler and a pregnant wife and it was like nothing could keep him down. I don't understand why for some people it's just a facade and how you weed that out.

How do you know what he is showing you isn’t a facade? That’s very common among doctors. They are at their best with patients not with their own families.

Oh honey, it is true with engineers., too -n you are just looking for $$$$, and are easily fooled! Most engineers are not rich, even (especially) the ones you think are rich. Don't be so desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had no ambition.
He didn't read.
He was terrible with money
He had mood disorders--
He drank too much.
He made us walk on egg shells.
He wasn't fun to talk to so we didn't talk

We met young and it was great for a long time because he was fun, social, adventurous, we had the same friends, he was good looking etc. Grow old and all that wears off. He eventually cheated on me. I am so much happier now.

Same. I don't get why they change What is it about the younger years that they think they want a married life and then hate it? It's not like they didn't grow up in a family and don't know what they are getting into.

To add on, it's a mentality thing. The doctor this morning was so friendly and caring and kept asking questions making sure I was ok and checking that he did everything well. Huge smile. I told him I noticed how alert and attentive he was and he said it was because his 3 year old is always an adventure in the morning so he's wide awake by the time he comes into the office. Was talking pridefully about his wife having a new baby. He had a job in the morning and a preschooler and a pregnant wife and it was like nothing could keep him down. I don't understand why for some people it's just a facade and how you weed that out.

How do you know what he is showing you isn’t a facade? That’s very common among doctors. They are at their best with patients not with their own families.

Maybe but he was just very attentive and kind and just happy. Seemed easygoing for me but conscientious for himself. He did all the work himself. I was just struck by the words he used to talk about his more annoying family duties in a positive fun and genuine way rather than whining about life. Maybe he is a terrible father, but at least his mood is better.

Yes dear that’s why it’s called a facade, it’s because it’s incredibly convincing. You have met more than one man in your life who thinks he loves his family and probably acts like he loves his family to the outside world but gives them a very hard time behind closed doors. We all have.

I actually don't think he was a doctor, but whatever. I was merely commenting on how nice it was to have someone happy about their relationship and what they did in life and not get down on anything verses living with someone who started out that way and then became a depressed individual where nothing could make them enjoy their life anymore. Why married people don't seem to understand what they are getting into even if they are happy in the beginning and have had all the experience of growing up in a family that they enjoyed. What is the trigger that makes them change was my question? Please stay on topic. My question was not about how genuine this specific person was but why some people start off very sunny and so proud of their life and choices and desiring a family and then all of a sudden without any major trauma, decide they don't like it and sabotage the relationship and family once they have these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is lazy as anyone I know. Married 12 years. We have one nine year old who is at school almost 40 hours a week. He plays one sport which I take him to all practices and games.

She hates to cook, clean the house, do the laundry, doesn't want to return to work, doesn't want to go back to school. Doesn't have any hobbies besides being on YouTube or social media. Literally has 10-14 hours of screen time on her iPhone. I check weekly and roll my eyes.

I run two businesses. Cook at home. Do my laundry. Clean the house. Take care of paying all bills, saving up for college, paying taxes, investing, etc. All she does is shop and stare at her phone. I take care of our kid's school conferences, talk to the teachers, schedule what our kid does at home, schedule play dates, etc.

I am basically a single father raising a nine year old and my wife. Yes, as many deadbeat fathers there are...there are many deadbeat mothers.

Where does your head of the household, masculine, authoritarian of a self step up and put a stop to this? You allow this and then complain. Sit down, give her options that work for the family and let her pick her route. Divide up the chores and tell her that she chooses three (or whatever number) to accomplish each day. Be a man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had no ambition.
He didn't read.
He was terrible with money
He had mood disorders--
He drank too much.
He made us walk on egg shells.
He wasn't fun to talk to so we didn't talk

We met young and it was great for a long time because he was fun, social, adventurous, we had the same friends, he was good looking etc. Grow old and all that wears off. He eventually cheated on me. I am so much happier now.

Same. I don't get why they change What is it about the younger years that they think they want a married life and then hate it? It's not like they didn't grow up in a family and don't know what they are getting into.

To add on, it's a mentality thing. The doctor this morning was so friendly and caring and kept asking questions making sure I was ok and checking that he did everything well. Huge smile. I told him I noticed how alert and attentive he was and he said it was because his 3 year old is always an adventure in the morning so he's wide awake by the time he comes into the office. Was talking pridefully about his wife having a new baby. He had a job in the morning and a preschooler and a pregnant wife and it was like nothing could keep him down. I don't understand why for some people it's just a facade and how you weed that out.

How do you know what he is showing you isn’t a facade? That’s very common among doctors. They are at their best with patients not with their own families.

Maybe but he was just very attentive and kind and just happy. Seemed easygoing for me but conscientious for himself. He did all the work himself. I was just struck by the words he used to talk about his more annoying family duties in a positive fun and genuine way rather than whining about life. Maybe he is a terrible father, but at least his mood is better.

Yes dear that’s why it’s called a facade, it’s because it’s incredibly convincing. You have met more than one man in your life who thinks he loves his family and probably acts like he loves his family to the outside world but gives them a very hard time behind closed doors. We all have.

I actually don't think he was a doctor, but whatever. I was merely commenting on how nice it was to have someone happy about their relationship and what they did in life and not get down on anything verses living with someone who started out that way and then became a depressed individual where nothing could make them enjoy their life anymore. Why married people don't seem to understand what they are getting into even if they are happy in the beginning and have had all the experience of growing up in a family that they enjoyed. What is the trigger that makes them change was my question? Please stay on topic. My question was not about how genuine this specific person was but why some people start off very sunny and so proud of their life and choices and desiring a family and then all of a sudden without any major trauma, decide they don't like it and sabotage the relationship and family once they have these things.

Infinite possibilities to answer your question:

- Genetic predisposition to depression
- Masking of mental illness until the “honeymoon” period is over
- Genuine disappointment with married life and/or kids. I think a lot of people are not well suited to being parents and don’t realize this until they are parents.
- Disappointment over career and other things
- Genuine unhappiness with relationship that they and their partner don’t have the skills to resolve
- Vast libido differences that create tension and misery in the relationship. I think this is a real issue mostly for men but I’ve experienced it as a woman married to a low drive man

And so many more

[Anonymous]

Genuine disappointment with married life and/or kids. I think a lot of people are not well suited to being parents and don’t realize this until they are parents.

I guess I don't understand this if you come from a functioning household. I get small issues flaring up, but it's not like you didn't have firsthand experience with this way of living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuine disappointment with married life and/or kids. I think a lot of people are not well suited to being parents and don’t realize this until they are parents.

I guess I don't understand this if you come from a functioning household. I get small issues flaring up, but it's not like you didn't have firsthand experience with this way of living.

Really? Do you really think being a kid gives you a solid understanding of what being a parent is really like? Were you that attuned to your parents’ mental state growing up? I honestly don’t think a lot of people are that self-aware of what they want or don’t want or we wouldn’t have so many people getting divorced to begin with. And there are a lot of people who grow up on idyllic circumstances and just become spoiled and selfish adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife is lazy as anyone I know. Married 12 years. We have one nine year old who is at school almost 40 hours a week. He plays one sport which I take him to all practices and games.

She hates to cook, clean the house, do the laundry, doesn't want to return to work, doesn't want to go back to school. Doesn't have any hobbies besides being on YouTube or social media. Literally has 10-14 hours of screen time on her iPhone. I check weekly and roll my eyes.

I run two businesses. Cook at home. Do my laundry. Clean the house. Take care of paying all bills, saving up for college, paying taxes, investing, etc. All she does is shop and stare at her phone. I take care of our kid's school conferences, talk to the teachers, schedule what our kid does at home, schedule play dates, etc.

I am basically a single father raising a nine year old and my wife. Yes, as many deadbeat fathers there are...there are many deadbeat mothers.

Where does your head of the household, masculine, authoritarian of a self step up and put a stop to this? You allow this and then complain. Sit down, give her options that work for the family and let her pick her route. Divide up the chores and tell her that she chooses three (or whatever number) to accomplish each day. Be a man!

Being a man works with a rational woman. If pp’s wife is an emotional wreck, and if he does what you suggested, she may call him an abuser - which off course doesn’t make it true but pp is trying to save his marriage for the sake of kid