Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

OP, your disdain for your SIL is pretty clear to me. I’m sure it is clear to your SIL too. YOU may very well be one of the reasons they are making these changes….you realize this, right?!

Maybe try dropping the judgment. Learn to get along. Your attitude toward your SIL/brother probably stresses your mom out too (just so you know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know, sounds pretty shitty to announce to elderly MIL that this is the “last Christmas you’ll see us or your grandchildren.” Seems like there could be a more reasonable and sensitive way to say you’ll be on vacation. Also talk about rigidity. No more Christmases going forward? Not one? Sounds weird to me.

But PP brought up a good point OP. Your relationship with brother and SIL and your nieces and nephews are the future of your family. No matter how much it hurts, our elderly family members do leave us. Work on strengthening your relationship with brother and SIL if you can.

Oh you are right. It is not like the elderly MIL does not have all year with the grand kids. When your kids have children you are no longer in control of Christmas. It is the next generations turns to do their thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

OP has proven to be smarmy and rude throughout the thread, who’s to say she is a reliable narrator? She clearly posted this with the hopes everyone would drag SIL through the mud and wouldn’t cop to her brother’s contribution to this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

Yes, yes, and we travel the furthest with kids. About four hours by car to the hub region our mom and two siblings reside in. A fourth sibling married with no children flies in from Seattle. Fourth sibling sometimes stays with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like SIL was insensitive about the way she communicated this. Perhaps there is a reason she feels defensive about it. Maybe she's been wanting to do X Y Z for Xmas for years but doesn't feel "allowed" to have her way and this is her way of clumsily setting a boundary.

Just be there for your mom and don't get involved in your SIL drama.

SIL is nice. She was as nice about it as you can be. But the premise is of course rude. And I know she would never say such a thing to her own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like SIL was insensitive about the way she communicated this. Perhaps there is a reason she feels defensive about it. Maybe she's been wanting to do X Y Z for Xmas for years but doesn't feel "allowed" to have her way and this is her way of clumsily setting a boundary.

Just be there for your mom and don't get involved in your SIL drama.

SIL is nice. She was as nice about it as you can be. But the premise is of course rude. And I know she would never say such a thing to her own parents.

Her parents are probably more agreeable to celebrating the holidays at a mutually agreeable date. You said it yourself - your brother is a pushover - she had to do what was best for her family since your brother wasn’t stepping up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many private schools were on break all last week as well as this week. What I would give for a 2 week break with my spouse and kids only!

Similar to your SIL, I live near my parents and see them 1-2x a week. And yet - we fly back from spring break a day early every year to have Easter dinner with them. I would love to give up that tradition and just enjoy my full vacation. I don’t think I’ll declare “this is the last Easter”. I think we’ll just say “these are the flights we could get” and repeat as needed.

Wow a whole day early. I’m so sorry you have to go through such anguish to bring a great deal of joy to your elderly parents who could randomly drop dead any day.

Any one could drop dead or be hit by a bus. Op's parents had her way for 20 years. Why can't sil and brother celebrate where they want?

Because it's Christmas. They can go on vacation any time.

Actually they can’t, unless they home school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

Yes, yes, and we travel the furthest with kids. About four hours by car to the hub region our mom and two siblings reside in. A fourth sibling married with no children flies in from Seattle. Fourth sibling sometimes stays with us.

Why did you choose to live so far away from family? Don't you value it?

+1

And when do you celebrate with ILs? When does Seattle sibling celebrate with ILs? How many brothers do you have?

+1
I’m glad someone is sticking up for the ILs who are just as elderly as OP’s mom and would also love to see their grandkids on 12/25.

[Anonymous]

All the responses to this thread show that family relationships can be the hardest, because we have such high expectations, such high emotional needs, and so much (I think?) love. These high stakes relationships can go sour quickly. It means we need extra understanding, extra mercy, and extra forgiveness. It’s super hard. But the alternative- estrangements and generations of bitterness- are worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

Same poster. My family is actually pretty religious. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. We will still be flying back from London for Easter in 2024. We are prioritizing my husband singing in the Easter cantata, which is the weekend before Easter and when I’ve told my ILs I’m happy to host. The reality is that kids have limited breaks from school. This isn’t about “who is the best Christian.” And really, the multiple families could prioritize getting together some other time when it is easier to travel. Life will go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

Easter is the most important Christian holiday. Why doesn’t your mother prioritize Easter instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the responses to this thread show that family relationships can be the hardest, because we have such high expectations, such high emotional needs, and so much (I think?) love. These high stakes relationships can go sour quickly. It means we need extra understanding, extra mercy, and extra forgiveness. It’s super hard. But the alternative- estrangements and generations of bitterness- are worse.

Very true, pp. And when we see someone needs change we should try to adapt or be understanding, rather than exacerbating the situation.