Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I spoke to a psychologist with expertise in parenting and she gave this advice:

Give child 3 rules: 1) obedience, 2) respect, 3) no arguing. Parents have three rules when responding to child's breaking of these rules (child not told this but parents know): 1) be consistent, 2) no second chances, and 3) no warning before consequences.

If child breaks one of the rules, they are put in bathroom for timeout, for six minutes, and they must think and be quiet. Presumably if they are not quiet they stay longer or something.

Psychologist also said she doesn't recommend discussing/reasoning with child as it just promotes arguing and doesn't yield much compliance/harmony in the household. She also said kids don't feel guilty enough and her method is designed to foster healthy guilt (not shame).

My gut reaction is no to the bathroom punishment. I had reactions to the rules she gave as well but am curious about what others think.

[Anonymous]

Nope, don’t agree. Actually, it’s nutty.

[Anonymous]

That is really messed up.

I say this as someone with both a lot of experience managing kids with complex behaviors (I'm a special educator with a speciality in those kids), who has pretty strict standards for my own kids.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is fake as this is bizarre advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this is fake as this is bizarre advice.

OP. Not fake at all. I also have a lot of relevant expertise (not in parenting but development). I was floored when she said this and I disagreed with her, but she persisted in saying it was the best option (the bathroom). She said going to room is not a punishment, but I disagree as my child feels bad to be sent away and does feel guilty about not meeting expectations.

I don't expect my child to "obey", but I do want them to listen and comply with reasonable requests, and I do agree there should be consequences if they don't. I agree consistency is very important, but rigidity can be bad and can make child feel parent is arbitrary and unfair. I also agree that repeated warnings/threats is not effective, but consequences should be reasonable. The consequence should make the child reflect on how they could do better rather than making them feel afraid, etc.

I also think discussion/reasoning is not only acceptable but welcome, as I want my child to think about things and feel comfortable talking to me. There may be cases where child was misunderstood and it's not right to ignore their thoughts/feelings and won't help them develop into a high functioning adult.

That said, I recognize my views are based on what I want for my child and my cultural background. Hence my curiosity about others reactions.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the child and situation. A child with oppositional defiance disorder type behaviour needs a very different approach from a just typical bad behaviour kid. Is there a disorder connected to why you are seeing the psychologist?

[Anonymous]

I think the psychologist is on a better track than you are. Going to bedroom or bathroom isn't really a big difference - but encouraging or discouraging arguing is. And I'm in Team psychologist about discouraging it, rather than your preference of encouraging it via discussion.

If you really think that modern parenting is better than old-fashioned parenting, just look at the results. Kids and young adults today are poorly behaved, argue about everything, rude and disrespectful, anxious and depressed. And lack conpetence and independence.

[Anonymous]

I also don't think there's much of a difference between a bathroom or bedroom. It's a separate space that a child can use to calm down by themselves. If your child's room has toys, books or other distractions, I can see why a bathroom may be preferred.

[Anonymous]

Well I agree that modern parenting has waaaay too much discussing and reasoning. Talk about a dead end and teaching your kid to argue. I've made that mistake with my oldest. I won't be doing that again.

It's good for parents to be at the top of the hierarchy, but it should be a "benevolent dictatorship."

The bathroom things seems impractical, but maybe that is because we only have one bathroom. I haven't figured out a way to get obedience without yelling. Kids just aren't scared of parents anymore. Probably a good thing on balance, but not without its downsides. Usually, I tell my kid that if she won't go to bed without endless silly stalling, I'll cut back her media allowance the next day. And I do. Seems to work, but only short term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the psychologist is on a better track than you are. Going to bedroom or bathroom isn't really a big difference - but encouraging or discouraging arguing is. And I'm in Team psychologist about discouraging it, rather than your preference of encouraging it via discussion.

If you really think that modern parenting is better than old-fashioned parenting, just look at the results. Kids and young adults today are poorly behaved, argue about everything, rude and disrespectful, anxious and depressed. And lack conpetence and independence.

I am not saying I prefer arguing. I'm saying I don't think all argument should be off the table.

I am also not saying one is objectively better than the other. I have my preference but I don't claim it is the objective best. It depends on what the socialization goals are.

I don't know what "modern parenting" is. There are many parenting styles coexisting in modern times, with different results. Ditto for so-called old-fashioned parenting. Do you have experimental results to cite that indicate that your preferred style of parenting yields better behavioral outcomes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the child and situation. A child with oppositional defiance disorder type behaviour needs a very different approach from a just typical bad behaviour kid. Is there a disorder connected to why you are seeing the psychologist?

OP. I could see that. But no, my child is not at risk for ODD. I decided to talk to this person because of family stress and some concerns about child's behavior but nothing major. Was just looking for some good parenting advice to share with partner that came from the "outside" so that we could both get on board and be accountable.

[Anonymous]

DH and I do this (but use child's bedroom as time out not bathroom) and it has worked out great. My child is is respectful, obedient but also very confident. We are immigrants though so I know this level of strictness is frowned upon here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spoke to a psychologist with expertise in parenting and she gave this advice:

Give child 3 rules: 1) obedience, 2) respect, 3) no arguing. Parents have three rules when responding to child's breaking of these rules (child not told this but parents know): 1) be consistent, 2) no second chances, and 3) no warning before consequences.

If child breaks one of the rules, they are put in bathroom for timeout, for six minutes, and they must think and be quiet. Presumably if they are not quiet they stay longer or something.

Psychologist also said she doesn't recommend discussing/reasoning with child as it just promotes arguing and doesn't yield much compliance/harmony in the household. She also said kids don't feel guilty enough and her method is designed to foster healthy guilt (not shame).

My gut reaction is no to the bathroom punishment. I had reactions to the rules she gave as well but am curious about what others think.

This may work with a very complaint child but will backfire spectacularly with a different child.

Some kids are not "disobeying" when they break a rule, they just don't have the skillset yet to follow them. It's your job as a parent to teach them, not to "punish" them for not having those skills yet!

For some kids, these skills come more naturally and easily, but for other kids it takes longer (years sometimes) and they have to be taught.

The best way to teach -- emotional regulation, clam disposition, respect of people and property -- is by modeling.

Locking your kid in a bathroom is a slippery slope. What happens when they continue to "break" rules after their timeouts? Or they are not quiet inside but scream? Lock them in longer? And when they get physical, i.e. try to get out of the bathroom, are you going to physically restrain them? Where does this end?

Again, with a super compliant kid this might work (although I still think it is cruel) but with lots of kids you are setting up power struggles that will destroy your family's peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spoke to a psychologist with expertise in parenting and she gave this advice:

Give child 3 rules: 1) obedience, 2) respect, 3) no arguing. Parents have three rules when responding to child's breaking of these rules (child not told this but parents know): 1) be consistent, 2) no second chances, and 3) no warning before consequences.

If child breaks one of the rules, they are put in bathroom for timeout, for six minutes, and they must think and be quiet. Presumably if they are not quiet they stay longer or something.

Psychologist also said she doesn't recommend discussing/reasoning with child as it just promotes arguing and doesn't yield much compliance/harmony in the household. She also said kids don't feel guilty enough and her method is designed to foster healthy guilt (not shame).

My gut reaction is no to the bathroom punishment. I had reactions to the rules she gave as well but am curious about what others think.

This may work with a very complaint child but will backfire spectacularly with a different child.

Some kids are not "disobeying" when they break a rule, they just don't have the skillset yet to follow them. It's your job as a parent to teach them, not to "punish" them for not having those skills yet!

For some kids, these skills come more naturally and easily, but for other kids it takes longer (years sometimes) and they have to be taught.

The best way to teach -- emotional regulation, clam disposition, respect of people and property -- is by modeling.

Locking your kid in a bathroom is a slippery slope. What happens when they continue to "break" rules after their timeouts? Or they are not quiet inside but scream? Lock them in longer? And when they get physical, i.e. try to get out of the bathroom, are you going to physically restrain them? Where does this end?

Again, with a super compliant kid this might work (although I still think it is cruel) but with lots of kids you are setting up power struggles that will destroy your family's peace.

Did the psych say lock in or just put in?

I don't see why this has to be a slippery slope. Just like any other parentung method, if one strategy doesn’t work, the only option isn't to escalate. A parent can try a different approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I agree that modern parenting has waaaay too much discussing and reasoning. Talk about a dead end and teaching your kid to argue. I've made that mistake with my oldest. I won't be doing that again.

It's good for parents to be at the top of the hierarchy, but it should be a "benevolent dictatorship."

The bathroom things seems impractical, but maybe that is because we only have one bathroom. I haven't figured out a way to get obedience without yelling. Kids just aren't scared of parents anymore. Probably a good thing on balance, but not without its downsides. Usually, I tell my kid that if she won't go to bed without endless silly stalling, I'll cut back her media allowance the next day. And I do. Seems to work, but only short term.

On balance, no. It's obviously not a good thing.

Fwiw, my kids are not compliant or obedient (they have diagnoses that specifically say otherwise) but I require good behavior from them. Years of training horses and dogs are applicable - I really think all parents would benefit from those skills but too few have any sort of experience like that.