Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

I wonder about this. OP says the psychologist suggest the bathroom because it is more of a punishment than being sent to their room, which is presumably more comfortable. Like the psychologist picked the bathroom specifically because it's hard and cold with nowhere comfy to sit. That's... messed up. Having a child take a time out because they can't use kind words or are being ruled by emotion is one thing, but there's not reason that child can't calm down while sitting on their bed, looking at a book, or even playing with a toy. Comfort and distraction are not counterproductive in that situation -- they may actually be conducive to the child calming.

I have a kid who I can't give time outs to when she is really upset because she will try to destroy something. So I don't send her to her room because once when she was four, I had her do a time out in her room and she picked up her doll house and threw it on the ground. I could see someone responding to that by saying "ok, then you have to do a timeout in the bathroom where you can't throw toys" but then I think a very disregulated child would just rip down the shower curtain, slam the toilet lid, pull all the toilet paper off the roll, etc.

I have found that with a child who has this level of emotional disregulation, the only thing that works is co-regulation, where you stay calm and use your words, breathing, and calming actions to lead the child into a calmer place by modeling. Not only is it the best way to address a tantrum like this in the moment, but it is also the only way to teach a child who gets this worked up how to come back down, because kids who have these kind of wild mood swings NEED a set of tools for managing strong emotions. They won't find any tools in the bathroom.

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09/30/2023 14:50

Subject: Re:Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Time outs in the bedroom are a normal form of punishment. I wouldn't put my kid in the bathroom alone.

I wonder about this. OP says the psychologist suggest the bathroom because it is more of a punishment than being sent to their room, which is presumably more comfortable. Like the psychologist picked the bathroom specifically because it's hard and cold with nowhere comfy to sit. That's... messed up. Having a child take a time out because they can't use kind words or are being ruled by emotion is one thing, but there's not reason that child can't calm down while sitting on their bed, looking at a book, or even playing with a toy. Comfort and distraction are not counterproductive in that situation -- they may actually be conducive to the child calming.

I have a kid who I can't give time outs to when she is really upset because she will try to destroy something. So I don't send her to her room because once when she was four, I had her do a time out in her room and she picked up her doll house and threw it on the ground. I could see someone responding to that by saying "ok, then you have to do a timeout in the bathroom where you can't throw toys" but then I think a very disregulated child would just rip down the shower curtain, slam the toilet lid, pull all the toilet paper off the roll, etc.

I have found that with a child who has this level of emotional disregulation, the only thing that works is co-regulation, where you stay calm and use your words, breathing, and calming actions to lead the child into a calmer place by modeling. Not only is it the best way to address a tantrum like this in the moment, but it is also the only way to teach a child who gets this worked up how to come back down, because kids who have these kind of wild mood swings NEED a set of tools for managing strong emotions. They won't find any tools in the bathroom.

Sounds like co-regulation is the appropriate approach for your child. Not all kids need that. Some act much worse with an adult next to them and need an empty space to be by themselves.

I don’t know OP's kid, but different approaches wirk for different kids.

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09/30/2023 14:52

Subject: Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:I think the psychologist is on a better track than you are. Going to bedroom or bathroom isn't really a big difference - but encouraging or discouraging arguing is. And I'm in Team psychologist about discouraging it, rather than your preference of encouraging it via discussion.

If you really think that modern parenting is better than old-fashioned parenting, just look at the results. Kids and young adults today are poorly behaved, argue about everything, rude and disrespectful, anxious and depressed. And lack conpetence and independence.

How can people like you still be ignorant to the massive amounts of trauma and effed up consequences of “old fashioned parenting”? Is it not good enough to hear people tell you from their own experience the damage that kind of parenting causes? Do you not realize that all parents didn’t parent harshly in the “old days”? That there were many compassionate and empathetic parents that took the time to talk to their kids? Your clinging to some false ideal that never existed.

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09/30/2023 15:27

Subject: Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

quote

Anonymous

The psychologist is a professional child abuser. Don’t take this person’s advice.

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09/30/2023 15:30

Subject: Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

quote

Anonymous

Did you visit this psychologist in 1951?

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09/30/2023 15:54

Subject: Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

quote

Anonymous

Now we’re at a place where being sent to a room alone without toys is considered abuse. Good grief. OP, I think the point is that lots of kids don’t mind their rooms because they are full of toys and games and going there doesn’t serve as an effective negative consequence for misbehavior.

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09/30/2023 16:01

Subject: Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever watched What Not to Wear? They give the person some rules and send them off. The rules give them a framework and a new way forward.

Your psychologist has given you 3 new rules, a new way forward. You can implement the rules in various ways but they should be in line with the rules.

"Give child 3 rules: 1) obedience, 2) respect, 3) no arguing. Parents have three rules when responding to child's breaking of these rules (child not told this but parents know): 1) be consistent, 2) no second chances, and 3) no warning before consequences."

Those are reasonable rules. They're about consistency, predictability, and reliability. For everyone. Stability and predictability is great for kids. They will test rules and boundaries, that's what they do, but they are a lot happier and more confident when they know where the rules and boundaries are.

This is the definition of authoritarian parenting, which studies have shown lead to poor outcomes.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/authoritarian-parenting

Children reared by authoritarian families tend to depend more heavily on their parents (especially girls), be more submissive, less socially adept, less confident, less intellectually curious, and less committed to achievement in comparison with children reared in authoritative homes. Furthermore, children reared by authoritarian parents often exhibit hostility and shyness toward peers and show higher levels of aggression (Casas et al., 2006).

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/

"Furthermore, this parenting style can result in children who have higher levels of aggression but may also be shy, socially inept, and unable to make their own decisions.[1] This aggression can remain uncontrolled as they have difficulty managing anger as they were not provided with proper guidance. They have poor self-esteem, which further reinforces their inability to make decisions.[2] Strict parental rules and punishments often influence the child to rebel against authority figures as they grow older."

No, it's authoritative. As opposed to OP's current permissive parenting that is not working.

Wrong. in the bolded above the rules are obedience and no arguing. That is the definition of authoritarian.

Also wanted to add there is no evidence the OP is a permissive parent.

If her child is having difficulties it may very well be ADHD or something else, and have nothing to do with her parenting style.

Not everything is Mom's fault.

Establishing rules and consequences is not the definition of authoritarian parenting. The difference between that and authoritative parenting is a lack of warmth and parental responsivess. The way to have successful kids is to have high standards but also parent with warmth and love. You can have both of those things at the same time. Allowing your child to disobey rules that you presumably created for their own good does no one any favors — not them, whom the rules were designed to benefit, and not their teachers, who are stuck dealing with disrespectful kids all day.

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09/30/2023 16:29

Subject: Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you ever watched What Not to Wear? They give the person some rules and send them off. The rules give them a framework and a new way forward.

Your psychologist has given you 3 new rules, a new way forward. You can implement the rules in various ways but they should be in line with the rules.

"Give child 3 rules: 1) obedience, 2) respect, 3) no arguing. Parents have three rules when responding to child's breaking of these rules (child not told this but parents know): 1) be consistent, 2) no second chances, and 3) no warning before consequences."

Those are reasonable rules. They're about consistency, predictability, and reliability. For everyone. Stability and predictability is great for kids. They will test rules and boundaries, that's what they do, but they are a lot happier and more confident when they know where the rules and boundaries are.

This is the definition of authoritarian parenting, which studies have shown lead to poor outcomes.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/authoritarian-parenting

Children reared by authoritarian families tend to depend more heavily on their parents (especially girls), be more submissive, less socially adept, less confident, less intellectually curious, and less committed to achievement in comparison with children reared in authoritative homes. Furthermore, children reared by authoritarian parents often exhibit hostility and shyness toward peers and show higher levels of aggression (Casas et al., 2006).

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/

"Furthermore, this parenting style can result in children who have higher levels of aggression but may also be shy, socially inept, and unable to make their own decisions.[1] This aggression can remain uncontrolled as they have difficulty managing anger as they were not provided with proper guidance. They have poor self-esteem, which further reinforces their inability to make decisions.[2] Strict parental rules and punishments often influence the child to rebel against authority figures as they grow older."

No, it's authoritative. As opposed to OP's current permissive parenting that is not working.

Wrong. in the bolded above the rules are obedience and no arguing. That is the definition of authoritarian.

Also wanted to add there is no evidence the OP is a permissive parent.

If her child is having difficulties it may very well be ADHD or something else, and have nothing to do with her parenting style.

Not everything is Mom's fault.

Establishing rules and consequences is not the definition of authoritarian parenting. The difference between that and authoritative parenting is a lack of warmth and parental responsivess. The way to have successful kids is to have high standards but also parent with warmth and love. You can have both of those things at the same time. Allowing your child to disobey rules that you presumably created for their own good does no one any favors — not them, whom the rules were designed to benefit, and not their teachers, who are stuck dealing with disrespectful kids all day.