I absolutely hate the way my 13yoDD dresses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year-old girl dresses like a 14 year-old boy in grunge-era Seattle. Skater shorts, flannel shirts, shaggy haircut, baseball cap.

Sometimes I want to grab her and push her hair back just to get a look at her face, but I don't.

Welcome to parenting teens/tweens, OP. You can't control their bodies as much as you did when they were little.

Lol, seriously!!! I don’t know why parents are so overly controlling these days. Parents want to control how our kids dress, their food intake, their sleeping schedules, their academic lives. How they dress is the least of our worries and if my daughter wears a cropped top and jeans shorts, I don’t blink an eye. She looks cute. She’s confident and I like how she’s developing a sense of style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let my DD get any clothes I didn't approve of, so I never bought her shorts that showed her ass cheeks. But my DD did go through a phase of wearing all black, a phase of wearing two stars under her eyes, and now she does low pigtails and heavy eyeliner and looks very emo.

Her clothes are not her heart. I only ever say something complimentary, or keep my mouth shut. I think it significantly contributes to keeping our relationship good. My parents hated what I wore as a teenager, and I keep that in mind.

+1

My mom was always just vaguely unhappy with everything I wore as a tween/teen. Occasionally it was a question of something being too sexy or revealing, but most of the time it was just that she liked me in a different color, she wanted me wearing preppier clothes, etc. It was really bad for our relationship and even as an adult, I always get the sense she is picking at me and critiquing my appearance. I don't even like it when she says complimentary things to me about my appearance now, because I just can't stand the scrutiny -- I'd rather she just never mention my appearance at all ever again.

So I think this is the right approach. Kids this age are very vulnerable to criticism about their looks, and creating a dynamic where she doesn't feel she can please herself and please you at the same time is so bad for -- how is she supposed to resolve that? Tell her you like how her hair looks or that you like the color she's wearing (if true). Ignore the rest. It's not her job to be visibly pleasing to you or anyone. You have to let go of that desire or risk your entire relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is dressing trashy. And stomps off when it is pointed out. Disrespectful.

Getting good grades is a normal expectation from all kids. This is not something worth getting a nobel prize for. And it does not absolve her of disrespectful behavior.

“Dressing trashy” is subjective. You’ve only been conditioned to think it is trashy because this is America, we are puritanical and we are also victims of toxic masculinity that tells women that we are the problem, not the men who rape and harass women.

This, OP

100% this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year-old girl dresses like a 14 year-old boy in grunge-era Seattle. Skater shorts, flannel shirts, shaggy haircut, baseball cap.

Sometimes I want to grab her and push her hair back just to get a look at her face, but I don't.

Welcome to parenting teens/tweens, OP. You can't control their bodies as much as you did when they were little.

Lol, seriously!!! I don’t know why parents are so overly controlling these days. Parents want to control how our kids dress, their food intake, their sleeping schedules, their academic lives. How they dress is the least of our worries and if my daughter wears a cropped top and jeans shorts, I don’t blink an eye. She looks cute. She’s confident and I like how she’s developing a sense of style.

Some parents have always been this way. It's actually better now because PP probably better understands why she can't just push her kid's hair out of her face. A few generations ago, she might have done it and then yelled at her kid for complaining.

I come from a long line of mothers who forced their kids to look a certain way because of their own preferences/shame/guilt/fear. I know that urge to just grab hold of your kid and push them into a mold. And I also understand why I can never, ever act on this urge. Breaking the cycle is hard.

[Anonymous]

OP pick your battles, this is not one.

You are being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. I've not seen a well dressed teen in this area once in the whole of the past 15 years.

LOL. Teens rarely dress well ever, throughout time, just the trends have changed. Too tight/short. Bell bottoms. Too baggy. Hippy/"Boho", Grunge, All athletic wear. Take your pic.

Don't all adults look back at what they work and think "JFC what was I thinking?" I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Don’t let your kids be part of mainstream media BS. We need to protect them. Letting 13 year olds or even 16 year olds dress provocative is trouble and if your a parent that feels otherwise than your not protecting your. Hold and you live in a woke fantasy world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is dressing trashy. And stomps off when it is pointed out. Disrespectful.

Getting good grades is a normal expectation from all kids. This is not something worth getting a nobel prize for. And it does not absolve her of disrespectful behavior.

PP, are you currently a parent of a teen girl? I guess not because they ALL are dressing trashy these days. Crop tops are in, and so are tight shorts with oversized Ts that do look like there're no pants underneath.
OP, I hear you. I let my teen wear those 'trashy' outfits as long as she's not wearing them to school/events/family gatherings. If she wants to wear them to go to Starbucks with her friends, so be it.

No, they are not all dressing trashy, sorry.

signed, a parent of a teen girl

[Anonymous]

OP I think the first step is to sit with yourself until you can honestly articulate the reasons her clothes are bothering you. If you use a word like “trashy” or “mature” you need to be able to explain what you mean and why you feel it’s a defensible position.

I think that will go a long way towards keeping yourself out of insult territory, and if/when she disagrees, you’ve modeled that the conversation can be had in a mature way. You can argue about it, but do it respectfully. If you start out by being disapproving and using insulting euphemisms, you can’t be surprised when she responds poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is beautiful and has a lovely figure (she is a dancer and swimmer). I feel like the shorts and crop tops look trashy honestly. I would never say this to her. I say things like "too revealing" or "too mature." I bought a couple of "tasteful" crop tops at the beginning of the season at her begging and hoping that that would shut her up. It didn't and she has since bought several more at Target with her own money. After purchasing yet another couple today at Target with friends, I told her "I think that's enough crop tops." She was horribly offended and stormed upstairs.

She seems to be interested in a look designed to sexually arouse boys.

Is it possible your teenage daughter is experiencing adolescent normal changes driving her toward mating behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think the first step is to sit with yourself until you can honestly articulate the reasons her clothes are bothering you. If you use a word like “trashy” or “mature” you need to be able to explain what you mean and why you feel it’s a defensible position.

I think that will go a long way towards keeping yourself out of insult territory, and if/when she disagrees, you’ve modeled that the conversation can be had in a mature way. You can argue about it, but do it respectfully. If you start out by being disapproving and using insulting euphemisms, you can’t be surprised when she responds poorly.

Looks like a hooker?

[Anonymous]

“Hormonal”. Not “normal.”

Although trying to attract boys as a horny teen is also normal.

Have you forgotten so quickly OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is beautiful and has a lovely figure (she is a dancer and swimmer). I feel like the shorts and crop tops look trashy honestly. I would never say this to her. I say things like "too revealing" or "too mature." I bought a couple of "tasteful" crop tops at the beginning of the season at her begging and hoping that that would shut her up. It didn't and she has since bought several more at Target with her own money. After purchasing yet another couple today at Target with friends, I told her "I think that's enough crop tops." She was horribly offended and stormed upstairs.

She seems to be interested in a look designed to sexually arouse boys.

Is it possible your teenage daughter is experiencing adolescent normal changes driving her toward mating behavior?

Is the daughter actually planning to mate and raise her soon to arrive offspring?

[Anonymous]

Well the girl in this post is probably 16 now so presumably dressing differently.

[Anonymous]

I was pretty strict re: dressing when DDs were tweens (Including no holes in jeans and no second earrings, also no hair dyed different colors.) As they got older - 14-17 they got to have more say in their clothes and style- less me and more to their taste. These were the compromise years. After 17, completely their choice.

I will say it is hard to dress girls outside of what I would consider trashy clothing (my opinion, doesn’t have to be others). One DD is 5’11 and can rarely find a dress she can comfortably sit down in at the traditional teens stores/sections.