In laws say they will not exchange gifts with us adults this Christmas, only kids. I'm sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:seriously just give the adults gift cards. $20 each. and call it a day.

No, thoughtless and tacky. No gifts doesn't mean you can't focus on food and drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:seriously just give the adults gift cards. $20 each. and call it a day.

OP here. I know this poster probably wasnt serious, but it is precisely this attitude that spoils it for everyone and makes some want to not give gifts anymore. Stop it. Save the gift cards for your child's teacher or someone else you don't know well and want to show appreciation and thanks, unless that truly is what would be the most thoughtful gift and even then it can be done in a thoughtful way, not just tossed in a bag with some tissue. It's about being thoughtful and giving of your time and effort, not about spending the money. Many people keep saying "but we dont NEED anything, we have too much stuff already, we are spoiled, etc. Do the no-gifts posters really believe that only people who actually DO "need things" should give gifts to each other? So exchanging Christmas gifts will become the tradition of the less fortunate? Seriously? I also can't believe that everyone who is promoting "no gifts", including my in laws, will go through the entire year without spending any money on goods and services for themselves, necessary or otherwise. Why not be willing to accept these as gifts?

[Anonymous]

How much more junk does one need to give and receive? Christmas should be gift giving for kids. I'm fine if nobody gets adults a gift.

[Anonymous]

"I also can't believe that everyone who is promoting "no gifts", including my in laws, will go through the entire year without spending any money on goods and services for themselves, necessary or otherwise. Why not be willing to accept these as gifts?"

We don't want to deal with nagging shrews like you, OP.
Donate more to charity to get your gift giving fix. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:seriously just give the adults gift cards. $20 each. and call it a day.

Please don't, not ever. If I am so unimportant to you, please don't reinforce it with the slap in the face that is a "gift" card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:seriously just give the adults gift cards. $20 each. and call it a day.

Please don't, not ever. If I am so unimportant to you, please don't reinforce it with the slap in the face that is a "gift" card.

OP here and I can relate to this sentiment. I would, actually, prefer no gifts to thoughtless, meaningless spending, but that has not been a problem I saw in our family, as a either a giver or recipient. But why do people believe these are the only choices?

[Anonymous]

For me, it's not about the hassle or money, I simply don't want to have to store any more stuff in my house. Maybe that's how your ILs feel too. I'd be fine giving gifts to others as long as I don't have to take anything home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's not about the hassle or money, I simply don't want to have to store any more stuff in my house. Maybe that's how your ILs feel too. I'd be fine giving gifts to others as long as I don't have to take anything home.

So it's about the hassle of having to donate the gifts you don't need/care for? In the unwanted gift scenario, grateful acknowledgment is due to the giver, then someone else benefits: a charity shop, another person. Did you know A Wider Circle has a "North Pole" every year? Most of it is for children, but there is a sizable "adult gifts" section, too. Some adult get very emotional when they realize they they, too, get a gift. Just b/c you are jaded, don't assume everyone is. Just send it along to someone else, but don't be ungrateful and tell everyone to save their trouble b/c they couldn't possibly give you anything you would need, like or want and to spare you the hassle of having to donate it. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:seriously just give the adults gift cards. $20 each. and call it a day.

OP here. I know this poster probably wasnt serious, but it is precisely this attitude that spoils it for everyone and makes some want to not give gifts anymore. Stop it. Save the gift cards for your child's teacher or someone else you don't know well and want to show appreciation and thanks, unless that truly is what would be the most thoughtful gift and even then it can be done in a thoughtful way, not just tossed in a bag with some tissue. It's about being thoughtful and giving of your time and effort, not about spending the money. Many people keep saying "but we dont NEED anything, we have too much stuff already, we are spoiled, etc. Do the no-gifts posters really believe that only people who actually DO "need things" should give gifts to each other? So exchanging Christmas gifts will become the tradition of the less fortunate? Seriously? I also can't believe that everyone who is promoting "no gifts", including my in laws, will go through the entire year without spending any money on goods and services for themselves, necessary or otherwise. Why not be willing to accept these as gifts?

I DON"T WANT ANYONE'S SHIT. You probably give people stupid monogrammed crap.

If you want to give me something thoughtful then babysit my kids. Other than that I can buy my own stuff.

[Anonymous]

I give loads of unopened crap the day after Christmas to the local thrift shop.
THANK YOU OP for supporting the area homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I DON"T WANT ANYONE'S SHIT. You probably give people stupid monogrammed crap.

If you want to give me something thoughtful then babysit my kids. Other than that I can buy my own stuff.

Wow. Aren't you the picture of gracious gratitude. Do you have this lovely attitude all year or only at Christmas? Do you feel this much disdain for food, emails, cards and letters? Did you feel this way at your wedding or baby shower, too? I wonder if you enclosed a card with this exact sentiment with your invitations and announcements. I think you need medication if you feel this angry at someone's (however inept) attempt to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I DON"T WANT ANYONE'S SHIT. You probably give people stupid monogrammed crap.

If you want to give me something thoughtful then babysit my kids. Other than that I can buy my own stuff.

Wow. Aren't you the picture of gracious gratitude. Do you have this lovely attitude all year or only at Christmas? Do you feel this much disdain for food, emails, cards and letters? Did you feel this way at your wedding or baby shower, too? I wonder if you enclosed a card with this exact sentiment with your invitations and announcements. I think you need medication if you feel this angry at someone's (however inept) attempt to be kind.

And look who is calling who nits. Get a life wacko.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am one of those people who dislikes giving gifts for holidays/birthdays etc. I am a terrible gift giver, no matter how much thought I put into something. It actually does stress me out. We are fortunate to have the money to buy gifts but I would much rather donate my money to a food bank than reserve it for random things for my family members/friends who also don't need anything. I feel bad for my brother who does not have the expendable income we do and thus feels compelled to compete if we do things for family.

Now, that said, my mother and stepmother and 2 of my close friends LOVE giving gifts for all the reasons you said above. Neither my mom nor my stepmom want anything in return except to see our smiles. Seriously. With my own parents I don't feel so bad (our child makes them some things and they proudly display), but with my friends it does seem like more a chore. I do believe they expect something in return (b/c they expect me to go to the same effort they go to not because they want me to spend money).

I don't see how anyone wins in your situation. Or mine for that matter. It's important to recognize their feelings and respect them, even if you don't like it. But here's a suggestion for this year: take them each aside (individually) and tell them that when you got their message/email whatever about not wanting to exchange adult gifts, you'd already had something special made for them and couldn't return it. But you still want them to have it. This time only. Next year you'll know in advance and you won't do anything for the adults. Make it clear you are not expecting something in return - or even a thank you note. Just end it.

In a few years, perhaps you can broach the subject again about adult gifts. But honestly, I don't know very many people that regularly accept holiday or birthday gifts from folks without feeling the need to reciprocate (or feeling lousy if they don't). And it's not fair to place loved ones in stressful (to them) situations just because you like to buy gifts. Geez that sounds harsh as I write it, but I don't intend to sound mean, really. I know it takes the fun of it for you, but perhaps there is a way to focus your energy on gift giving for others want it - like the kids or doing something nice for your coworkers (baking) or friends (getting a group picture and framing it nicely) etc. Or do the "white elephant" gift things where everyone buys something for $5 and you draw numbers and pick gifts and folks can "steal" gifts from each other. Office parties sometimes do that and frankly those are amusing and lighthearted.

I can honestly tell you that around October every year, I start to stress about holiday gifts and feel resentful toward people who want to buy me things and thus require me to buy them things as well. Is that right? No, but it's how I feel.

I know their behavior hurts your feelings and that's not ok either. But boy it would sure be nice if just for a few seasons your relatives didn't have to stress about the holidays and could enjoy what they are all about - spending time with family (and whatever religious beliefs you might have).

You are clearly a generous and thoughtful person for taking the time to seek out gifts for your loved ones. I fear those traits will go unrecognized b/c said loved ones are feeling resentful about needing to reciprocate when they don't want to. Good luck OP. No win situation here.

OP here. Thank you so much for your extensive and thoughtful response. You clearly took the time really think about what I wrote and your response reflects that time and effort. We are blesses that we have the money to buy gifts, so that is not the issue. The in-laws are on a fixed income, but are comfortable, so it's not that it's a real financial issue for them. I think after reading through yours and others responses, I think a few of the issues I have with this situation have become more clear to me. I do like giving gifts for the most part, but it is not fun when you are trying to choose a gift for someone who needs nothing and yet is quite judgmental about the gifts they receive. My mom was like this. She was wealthy by most standards and could buy herself anything she wanted, but had very high gift expectations. She also had almost no hobbies or interests outside of her job. She wore her heart on her sleeve and you could tell, no matter how polite she was, when she was disappointed in a gift. She's been dead for many years, but I'm sure I'm still trying at some level to satisfy her by proxy, if you will, so I put a lot of thought into Christmas gifts.

I also go "overboard", if you can do that, with charities at Christmas: I adopt angel tree children, charity families, etc. I like shopping for specific people and their interests, so I'm not so much a fan of Toys for Tots and their general toy collection but I do participate. And every year for the last few years, I get a couple wish lists from families at A Wider Circle and shop for them, then deliver the gifts to them in person. The joy of these giving to these families is the best. I highly recommend.

I think when I said I like receiving, too, some people misunderstood because I didn't really explain it well. It's not that I like receiving gifts just because I want to get "stuff" (although its usually been nice, thoughtful stuff"...sometimes practical things we did need but didnt want to spend the money on, like a new front door mat, shared experiences like tickets to the theater and the gift of "time" by babysitting the kids for a weekend, etc.)

What bothers me is not the absence if "buying and getting". What bothers me...hurts me, really, is the unwillingness to to exert any extra effort, even to give a gift that is intangible, inexpensive or free. There are so many possibilities, plenty of wonderful gifts that take nothing BUT effort. My in laws are people who have given this kind of gift in the past to us and others, so it's not "beyond" them to see gift giving in this way. Also, as some posters suggested may be the case, they do not have loads of grand kids, just our kids. Their other child is a young independent adult with no children, a student. So the people they do not want to "exchange" (i.e give) gifts to this year add up to 3. Their other child, the student, is fine with this suggestion as he has never been one to spend much energy or time on thinking about gift giving anyway. He is the King of the gift-card givers! (even though he could probably least afford it).

I guess I always believed that it really is "the thought that counts". Well to me it feels like they don't want to be bothered with giving us any thought at all. I believe that is why we give gifts at Christmas: to show people that you care about them, are thinking of them and are willing to do something FOR them that they appreciate. To spend time doing something with thought and effort (with or without spending money) FOR someone else is how you show you care. At Christmas, thinking about, choosing and then giving gifts is an appropriate way to do something for someone else; to show you care.

Do you really think Jesus wanted or needed or gold, frankincense and myrrh? or that the 3 kings brought them with a resentful feeling of societal obligation/expectation and inside they grumbled to themselves: "ugh..i hate the materialism associated with the birth of Saviors".

How about the story of the Little Drummer Boy? How would that story sound if you inserted the "no gifts" message in it:

"Don't worry that you have no gift to bring, Little Drummer Boy...don't you know that giving gifts is a reflection of a materialistic, consumer-driven, capitalist society that demeans the true meaning of His birth? RELAX! Jesus and his folks will know you care when they see you eschew those superficial gestures. Don't stress yourself out by having to anticipate what to to play for him, when to play it, whether it will be good enough, and then having to,spend the little time you have practicing and playing it. Save yourself the time, stress and effort and just enjoy His company."

Having a relaxing, stress free and fiscally frugal Christmas sounds nice in some ways, but requires no giving of yourself, no effort, no sacrifice. I suppose that is what the giving of gifts represents to me...It says: I care about you enough to take on some amount of stress and do something for you that takes time, thought and effort. So "no gifts", particularly in our circumstance, sends the message, in my opinion, "Sorry, but you're just not worth the stress and effort that choosing a gift for you requires. There are more important things I want to focus my time, energy and effort (and $) on at Christmas (like things that I want that make ME happy)"

So I will give them the gift of a "no gifts" Christmas, if that is what they really want. From my point of view, it will be a generous gift that requires a lot of effort on my part. I will have the children give them the gifts I already bought. But it makes me sad to see our society embrace the gift-free Christmas as a solution to larger cultural problems. To me, it seems there should be a better solution to being so stressed out, over-worked, over-spent, over-scheduled and overwhelmed that the idea of giving gifts to your family at Christmas is a distasteful chore that should be eliminated.

+1 OP, you are a great person that really gets what Christmas and giving is about. Too bad some people here don't understand the true thought that goes into a gift.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you familiar with the Love Languages? There is a book, and then follow up books about it. It would probably be worth it to get it from the library.

Not everyone sees gift giving as you do.

Also, I think you are on to something re: your mom's expectations with gifts. It sounds like you try very, very hard, but go overboard, as you even said yourself. That is a lot of pressure to put on the recipients of your gifts when they wonder what to get you in return.

I'm exhausted just reading about all the gift giving and shopping you do, to be honest.

Also, some people find Tysons Corner or Rockville Pike to be the 4th level of hell this time of year. If someone is comfortable with online shopping, it has gotten much more complicated and overwhelming lately with the constantly changing promotions, discount codes, rebate sites, etc. I think I'm pretty good at it, but sometimes even I feel paralyzed by all the options.

Gift Giving is one of the 5 Love Languages - I think it would be great for you to read about the others, and generally recognize that others just don't necessarily put the same value that you do on it.

[Anonymous]

I would rather get a gift card ... than some trinket or some other clutter.