In laws say they will not exchange gifts with us adults this Christmas, only kids. I'm sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like giving gifts. I love it..watching someone open a gift I got them, it's awesome. i don't care so much about the getting but I admit it is fun, too...doesn't matter so much what it iis, just that it is thoughtful. in terms of giving and getting, historically we've done everything from expensive like a a tv to handmade to simple jewelry to memory ornaments to photo books and calendars of grandkids to "event" gifts..such as tickets to a theater show to go to together, etc. so it's not like we're trading gift cards or vases or ties. And that I wasn't asked, but rather 'told' bothers me, too. I have actually already purchased gifts for them (some are personalized, so not returnable or regiftable). I respect no-gifting as long as its a mutual decision. I don't like having the terms of my gift giving and the way we celebrate Christmas dictated to me. Also, it seems inconsistent to me for them to take this stance then set up a plastic tree in their home, decorate to the nines, send out and receive a hundred cards and spend $1000s on a fancy Christmas vacation. I guess it just smacks a bit more of " it's a lot of trouble and it stresses me out, plus I don't want to spend the money" more than "I want to be less materialistic and focus on the heart of Christmas". sure, I will celebrate Christmas even if they take away all the "ribbons and boxes and packages and bags" but it sure would be nice if the Grinches would bring the sleigh back to Who-ville. That show wouldn't be such a warm one if the Grinch never had a change of heart. Yes, it will come all the same and i will celebrate the religious meaning of Christmas. But I will still be sad.

Keep your damn gifts. OP where is your actual spirit of the holiday? You have no idea why they didn't want to do the gifts. You have no idea how much they have and can or can't spend. Who do you think you are to dictate to them how they celebrate? My son better never bring a chic like you. Out she goes.

[Anonymous]

if this is the first time this has happened to you, beware of the behind the back gift. My husband's family decided on the no gift for adults policy and then the two sils who set the whole policy up to start with got us what they called tokens, but not really gifts. There we were with nothing to give them. It was uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws don't want to exchange gifts but I feel it's how I show I care for them and how they should feel warm and fuzzy inside. But they don't want to. I resent having to travel across the miles to celebrate Christmas and can't get for them unless telling them so they can get me something the whole thing is just Unnatural. shouldn't it be if you don't see family members all year you should get them a little something to show you care???

I hate you. I fell for this...now what are you trying to bury...hmmmm

[Anonymous]

How often do you like the presents people give you? I find it's pretty rare.

I think it's fine to have kids only getting the gifts. However, if there are any childless adults in your family, the kids should give them gifts in return.

[Anonymous]

I am the child of a hoarder and grew up in a house stuffed literally to the ceiling in parts. Receiving gifts used to make me have internal panic attacks. I am past that now thanks to therapy, but I don't enjoy it. I hate bringing stuff into my house that I have to dispose of somehow, either trash, charity, or a spot in the house I work really hard to keep uncluttered and welcoming.

My friends and relatives who have a healthy sense of boundaries and other people's feelings understand and don't give me things (experiences are another matter). I treasure their thoughtfulness. Even those who like to give gifts know that its hard on me and hold back, which I know is a gift, and I am grateful.

I also have relatives like OP who give things more for themselves than for the recipient (seriously? you make the adopt-a-family families receive your gift in person? Ugh.) I endure those people because it is the polite thing to do. I think its likely your family has been enduring your aggressive gifts for years and finally got up the courage to just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just give them their gifts and expect nothing in return. If you truy enjoy gift giving for the giving it should be no problem. I really do not understand your sadness over this. Personally, my life is really busy and I am grateful when I do not need to worry about gifts for a commercialized holiday. We spend the day with family on Christmas and enjoy each others company (the adults that is-I do get my kids a few things). Really, why the need for gifts as a grown up? I really do not get it.

+1

Me too- well said!

[Anonymous]

Give them their gifts. If you truly love picking out the gift, wrapping it, giving it, and seeing it opened, you'll still enjoy Christmas.

As for them doing a tree and cards and vacations, they are enjoying the holiday without bringing more crap into their home. I'm assuming that vacation is to visit family, who cares that they have a nicely decorated Christmas tree, and I love getting cards in the mail so I'd love it if they sent me one.

[Anonymous]

Having a relaxing, stress free and fiscally frugal Christmas sounds nice in some ways, but requires no giving of yourself, no effort, no sacrifice. I suppose that is what the giving of gifts represents to me...It says: I care about you enough to take on some amount of stress and do something for you that takes time, thought and effort. So "no gifts", particularly in our circumstance, sends the message, in my opinion, "Sorry, but you're just not worth the stress and effort that choosing a gift for you requires. There are more important things I want to focus my time, energy and effort (and $) on at Christmas (like things that I want that make ME happy)"

So I will give them the gift of a "no gifts" Christmas, if that is what they really want. From my point of view, it will be a generous gift that requires a lot of effort on my part. I will have the children give them the gifts I already bought. But it makes me sad to see our society embrace the gift-free Christmas as a solution to larger cultural problems. To me, it seems there should be a better solution to being so stressed out, over-worked, over-spent, over-scheduled and overwhelmed that the idea of giving gifts to your family at Christmas is a distasteful chore that should be eliminated.

I think you are taking the most negative message out of this possible, and make yourself seem like a martyr. You and your inlaws have differing views on the meaning and importance of gift giving at Christmas. That is all that this is about.

[Anonymous]

OP, your in-laws sound reasonable, but you have serious issues. You pretend you only care about giving, but you admit you don't feel loved and appreciated unless someone goes out of their way for you and buys you a thoughtful gift etc. You feel you have to do that for others to fill some void within yourself. Maybe some therapy would help you understand your issues and moderate your feelings. You might be fine with yourself, but you probably drive others crazy on this issue.

I wish my in-laws would do away with their materialistic gift extravaganza each year. They all have so much stuff already I feel like suffocated in their houses. There's nothing special about getting more stuff. It's just pressure and a credit card debt burden for us. What I love about Christmas is getting together, doing nice things for each other, baking, eating, singing, decorating, and lighting up the dreary winter with family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like giving gifts. I love it..watching someone open a gift I got them, it's awesome. i don't care so much about the getting but I admit it is fun, too...doesn't matter so much what it iis, just that it is thoughtful. in terms of giving and getting, historically we've done everything from expensive like a a tv to handmade to simple jewelry to memory ornaments to photo books and calendars of grandkids to "event" gifts..such as tickets to a theater show to go to together, etc. so it's not like we're trading gift cards or vases or ties. And that I wasn't asked, but rather 'told' bothers me, too. I have actually already purchased gifts for them (some are personalized, so not returnable or regiftable). I respect no-gifting as long as its a mutual decision. I don't like having the terms of my gift giving and the way we celebrate Christmas dictated to me. Also, it seems inconsistent to me for them to take this stance then set up a plastic tree in their home, decorate to the nines, send out and receive a hundred cards and spend $1000s on a fancy Christmas vacation. I guess it just smacks a bit more of " it's a lot of trouble and it stresses me out, plus I don't want to spend the money" more than "I want to be less materialistic and focus on the heart of Christmas". sure, I will celebrate Christmas even if they take away all the "ribbons and boxes and packages and bags" but it sure would be nice if the Grinches would bring the sleigh back to Who-ville. That show wouldn't be such a warm one if the Grinch never had a change of heart. Yes, it will come all the same and i will celebrate the religious meaning of Christmas. But I will still be sad.

Good. You have a bad attitude and are self-centered. You deserve to be sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am one of those people who dislikes giving gifts for holidays/birthdays etc. I am a terrible gift giver, no matter how much thought I put into something. It actually does stress me out. We are fortunate to have the money to buy gifts but I would much rather donate my money to a food bank than reserve it for random things for my family members/friends who also don't need anything. I feel bad for my brother who does not have the expendable income we do and thus feels compelled to compete if we do things for family.

Now, that said, my mother and stepmother and 2 of my close friends LOVE giving gifts for all the reasons you said above. Neither my mom nor my stepmom want anything in return except to see our smiles. Seriously. With my own parents I don't feel so bad (our child makes them some things and they proudly display), but with my friends it does seem like more a chore. I do believe they expect something in return (b/c they expect me to go to the same effort they go to not because they want me to spend money).

I don't see how anyone wins in your situation. Or mine for that matter. It's important to recognize their feelings and respect them, even if you don't like it. But here's a suggestion for this year: take them each aside (individually) and tell them that when you got their message/email whatever about not wanting to exchange adult gifts, you'd already had something special made for them and couldn't return it. But you still want them to have it. This time only. Next year you'll know in advance and you won't do anything for the adults. Make it clear you are not expecting something in return - or even a thank you note. Just end it.

In a few years, perhaps you can broach the subject again about adult gifts. But honestly, I don't know very many people that regularly accept holiday or birthday gifts from folks without feeling the need to reciprocate (or feeling lousy if they don't). And it's not fair to place loved ones in stressful (to them) situations just because you like to buy gifts. Geez that sounds harsh as I write it, but I don't intend to sound mean, really. I know it takes the fun of it for you, but perhaps there is a way to focus your energy on gift giving for others want it - like the kids or doing something nice for your coworkers (baking) or friends (getting a group picture and framing it nicely) etc. Or do the "white elephant" gift things where everyone buys something for $5 and you draw numbers and pick gifts and folks can "steal" gifts from each other. Office parties sometimes do that and frankly those are amusing and lighthearted.

I can honestly tell you that around October every year, I start to stress about holiday gifts and feel resentful toward people who want to buy me things and thus require me to buy them things as well. Is that right? No, but it's how I feel.
I know their behavior hurts your feelings and that's not ok either. But boy it would sure be nice if just for a few seasons your relatives didn't have to stress about the holidays and could enjoy what they are all about - spending time with family (and whatever religious beliefs you might have).

You are clearly a generous and thoughtful person for taking the time to seek out gifts for your loved ones. I fear those traits will go unrecognized b/c said loved ones are feeling resentful about needing to reciprocate when they don't want to. Good luck OP. No win situation here.

Thank you for saying this so well. I agree completely.

[Anonymous]

I do like giving gifts for the most part, but it is not fun when you are trying to choose a gift for someone who needs nothing and yet is quite judgmental about the gifts they receive. My mom was like this. She was wealthy by most standards and could buy herself anything she wanted, but had very high gift expectations. She also had almost no hobbies or interests outside of her job. She wore her heart on her sleeve and you could tell, no matter how polite she was, when she was disappointed in a gift. She's been dead for many years, but I'm sure I'm still trying at some level to satisfy her by proxy, if you will, so I put a lot of thought into Christmas gifts.

OP my mother and MIL were this way also. It has taken me years to understand that it is OK to not go all out with gifts. Such a better, more peaceful and yes more religious experience of the Holiday. Try it.

[Anonymous]

OP probably figured it all out last year when she started the thread.

[Anonymous]

Grow the fuck up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP probably figured it all out last year when she started the thread.

+1. Wish people would check the date before resurrecting old threads.