In laws say they will not exchange gifts with us adults this Christmas, only kids. I'm sad.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am one of those people who dislikes giving gifts for holidays/birthdays etc. I am a terrible gift giver, no matter how much thought I put into something. It actually does stress me out. We are fortunate to have the money to buy gifts but I would much rather donate my money to a food bank than reserve it for random things for my family members/friends who also don't need anything. I feel bad for my brother who does not have the expendable income we do and thus feels compelled to compete if we do things for family.

Now, that said, my mother and stepmother and 2 of my close friends LOVE giving gifts for all the reasons you said above. Neither my mom nor my stepmom want anything in return except to see our smiles. Seriously. With my own parents I don't feel so bad (our child makes them some things and they proudly display), but with my friends it does seem like more a chore. I do believe they expect something in return (b/c they expect me to go to the same effort they go to not because they want me to spend money).

I don't see how anyone wins in your situation. Or mine for that matter. It's important to recognize their feelings and respect them, even if you don't like it. But here's a suggestion for this year: take them each aside (individually) and tell them that when you got their message/email whatever about not wanting to exchange adult gifts, you'd already had something special made for them and couldn't return it. But you still want them to have it. This time only. Next year you'll know in advance and you won't do anything for the adults. Make it clear you are not expecting something in return - or even a thank you note. Just end it.

In a few years, perhaps you can broach the subject again about adult gifts. But honestly, I don't know very many people that regularly accept holiday or birthday gifts from folks without feeling the need to reciprocate (or feeling lousy if they don't). And it's not fair to place loved ones in stressful (to them) situations just because you like to buy gifts. Geez that sounds harsh as I write it, but I don't intend to sound mean, really. I know it takes the fun of it for you, but perhaps there is a way to focus your energy on gift giving for others want it - like the kids or doing something nice for your coworkers (baking) or friends (getting a group picture and framing it nicely) etc. Or do the "white elephant" gift things where everyone buys something for $5 and you draw numbers and pick gifts and folks can "steal" gifts from each other. Office parties sometimes do that and frankly those are amusing and lighthearted.

I can honestly tell you that around October every year, I start to stress about holiday gifts and feel resentful toward people who want to buy me things and thus require me to buy them things as well. Is that right? No, but it's how I feel.

I know their behavior hurts your feelings and that's not ok either. But boy it would sure be nice if just for a few seasons your relatives didn't have to stress about the holidays and could enjoy what they are all about - spending time with family (and whatever religious beliefs you might have).

You are clearly a generous and thoughtful person for taking the time to seek out gifts for your loved ones. I fear those traits will go unrecognized b/c said loved ones are feeling resentful about needing to reciprocate when they don't want to. Good luck OP. No win situation here.



OP here. Thank you so much for your extensive and thoughtful response. You clearly took the time really think about what I wrote and your response reflects that time and effort. We are blesses that we have the money to buy gifts, so that is not the issue. The in-laws are on a fixed income, but are comfortable, so it's not that it's a real financial issue for them. I think after reading through yours and others responses, I think a few of the issues I have with this situation have become more clear to me. I do like giving gifts for the most part, but it is not fun when you are trying to choose a gift for someone who needs nothing and yet is quite judgmental about the gifts they receive. My mom was like this. She was wealthy by most standards and could buy herself anything she wanted, but had very high gift expectations. She also had almost no hobbies or interests outside of her job. She wore her heart on her sleeve and you could tell, no matter how polite she was, when she was disappointed in a gift. She's been dead for many years, but I'm sure I'm still trying at some level to satisfy her by proxy, if you will, so I put a lot of thought into Christmas gifts.

I also go "overboard", if you can do that, with charities at Christmas: I adopt angel tree children, charity families, etc. I like shopping for specific people and their interests, so I'm not so much a fan of Toys for Tots and their general toy collection but I do participate. And every year for the last few years, I get a couple wish lists from families at A Wider Circle and shop for them, then deliver the gifts to them in person. The joy of these giving to these families is the best. I highly recommend.

I think when I said I like receiving, too, some people misunderstood because I didn't really explain it well. It's not that I like receiving gifts just because I want to get "stuff" (although its usually been nice, thoughtful stuff"...sometimes practical things we did need but didnt want to spend the money on, like a new front door mat, shared experiences like tickets to the theater and the gift of "time" by babysitting the kids for a weekend, etc.)

What bothers me is not the absence if "buying and getting". What bothers me...hurts me, really, is the unwillingness to to exert any extra effort, even to give a gift that is intangible, inexpensive or free. There are so many possibilities, plenty of wonderful gifts that take nothing BUT effort. My in laws are people who have given this kind of gift in the past to us and others, so it's not "beyond" them to see gift giving in this way. Also, as some posters suggested may be the case, they do not have loads of grand kids, just our kids. Their other child is a young independent adult with no children, a student. So the people they do not want to "exchange" (i.e give) gifts to this year add up to 3. Their other child, the student, is fine with this suggestion as he has never been one to spend much energy or time on thinking about gift giving anyway. He is the King of the gift-card givers! (even though he could probably least afford it).

I guess I always believed that it really is "the thought that counts". Well to me it feels like they don't want to be bothered with giving us any thought at all. I believe that is why we give gifts at Christmas: to show people that you care about them, are thinking of them and are willing to do something FOR them that they appreciate. To spend time doing something with thought and effort (with or without spending money) FOR someone else is how you show you care. At Christmas, thinking about, choosing and then giving gifts is an appropriate way to do something for someone else; to show you care.

Do you really think Jesus wanted or needed or gold, frankincense and myrrh? or that the 3 kings brought them with a resentful feeling of societal obligation/expectation and inside they grumbled to themselves: "ugh..i hate the materialism associated with the birth of Saviors".

How about the story of the Little Drummer Boy? How would that story sound if you inserted the "no gifts" message in it:

"Don't worry that you have no gift to bring, Little Drummer Boy...don't you know that giving gifts is a reflection of a materialistic, consumer-driven, capitalist society that demeans the true meaning of His birth? RELAX! Jesus and his folks will know you care when they see you eschew those superficial gestures. Don't stress yourself out by having to anticipate what to to play for him, when to play it, whether it will be good enough, and then having to,spend the little time you have practicing and playing it. Save yourself the time, stress and effort and just enjoy His company."

Having a relaxing, stress free and fiscally frugal Christmas sounds nice in some ways, but requires no giving of yourself, no effort, no sacrifice. I suppose that is what the giving of gifts represents to me...It says: I care about you enough to take on some amount of stress and do something for you that takes time, thought and effort. So "no gifts", particularly in our circumstance, sends the message, in my opinion, "Sorry, but you're just not worth the stress and effort that choosing a gift for you requires. There are more important things I want to focus my time, energy and effort (and $) on at Christmas (like things that I want that make ME happy)"

So I will give them the gift of a "no gifts" Christmas, if that is what they really want. From my point of view, it will be a generous gift that requires a lot of effort on my part. I will have the children give them the gifts I already bought. But it makes me sad to see our society embrace the gift-free Christmas as a solution to larger cultural problems. To me, it seems there should be a better solution to being so stressed out, over-worked, over-spent, over-scheduled and overwhelmed that the idea of giving gifts to your family at Christmas is a distasteful chore that should be eliminated.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I know you. Just stop. Your gifts are thoughtless and people are tired of it. What a mean girl you are...how dare they not do Christmas your way with their tacky tree and spend of money on vacations.


A HA HA HA HA! Thanks for the LOL. It's the bits of crazy like this post that keep me coming back to DC Urban Crack for more.
Anonymous
seriously just give the adults gift cards. $20 each. and call it a day.
Anonymous
OP you are the moat egotistical giver of them all. The worst sort.

Guess what? I adopt a family too. I give them a tree, food, utilities, and rent for the month. I buy the whole family gifts. It all costs me often well over 5k. I do it 100% ANONYMOUSLY in order for the parents to receive in DIGNITY. In our culture taking help can often be shameful. You just want to ride in on your white horse and play God.

If you really gave from your heart you would give without receiving. Instead you have to fill your the tanks of your ego.

It is clear that you give for you only. You need to examine yourself.
Anonymous
Op- your follow up post is just silly. You are an adult with enough money to buy your own stuff so do it. The " gift" you feel you should get each year from the inlaws already exists - it's the gift of time and spending the holiday enjoying each others company. Do your shallow self a favor and just admit that you are pissed bc you aren't getting any stuff.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Op- your follow up post is just silly. You are an adult with enough money to buy your own stuff so do it. The " gift" you feel you should get each year from the inlaws already exists - it's the gift of time and spending the holiday enjoying each others company. Do your shallow self a favor and just admit that you are pissed bc you aren't getting any stuff.


This.

OP, I'm shocked that a grownup thinks the way you do. And FYI, your perception of your ILs' situation as "comfortable" (whether or not it is accurate) doesn't give you license to opine on their ability to buy you stuff.
Anonymous
I have to think that the OP is making this up just to stir the pot. Who thinks like this? Or else she is emotionally stunted at age 15.
Anonymous
Why isn't spending the holiday with you enough if an effort to show they care? Why must gift giving accompany that?
Anonymous
I'm really shocked at how people are piling on the OP. She's selfish, she wants Christmas her way and buying gifts for other people forces them to buy gifts.

How is this any different than what her ILs are doing? They don't want to buy gifts and so they are forcing others not to buy gifts, too?

Maybe I'm like OP. I love presents - planning for them, wrapping them, giving them. And yes, I love receiving them too. It's fun to make other people smile, it's wonderful to have a wish of your own granted, or even to see what awful thing your parent or in-law picked out for you. I can't wait to start getting those school crafts as gifts from my child and to help DC make gifts for the grandparents and see their excitement at a macaroni collage of a Christmas tree. Why not!?

It is unfortunate that the ILs made a unilateral decision rather than putting it out for discussion amongst what appears to be a pretty small group of adults.

OP, the only thing I can think of is that maybe there is something else going on that you aren't aware of. A financial or health issue that they haven't yet shared with you.
Merry Christmas!
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I'm really shocked at how people are piling on the OP. She's selfish, she wants Christmas her way and buying gifts for other people forces them to buy gifts.

How is this any different than what her ILs are doing? They don't want to buy gifts and so they are forcing others not to buy gifts, too?

Maybe I'm like OP. I love presents - planning for them, wrapping them, giving them. And yes, I love receiving them too. It's fun to make other people smile, it's wonderful to have a wish of your own granted, or even to see what awful thing your parent or in-law picked out for you. I can't wait to start getting those school crafts as gifts from my child and to help DC make gifts for the grandparents and see their excitement at a macaroni collage of a Christmas tree. Why not!?

It is unfortunate that the ILs made a unilateral decision rather than putting it out for discussion amongst what appears to be a pretty small group of adults.

OP, the only thing I can think of is that maybe there is something else going on that you aren't aware of. A financial or health issue that they haven't yet shared with you.
Merry Christmas!


I'm sure you are like the OP, two crappaholics.
Anonymous
In OP's second post came an interesting point: her in-laws otehr child is a young adult who buys gift cards for everyone that he can not afford. Do yo think in-laws stopped the madd gift giving to make sure that young person doesn't spend money he might not have trying to out-do your fabulous gifts? Maybe they feel embarrased that you can give so much and that he can't and he tries to over-compensate with gift cards. Maybe he just hates having to live up to you and asked his parents for a stop on the grown-up gifts.

You might try to be a little sensitive to other people's needs and desires. Its not all about you.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I like giving gifts. I love it..watching someone open a gift I got them, it's awesome. i don't care so much about the getting but I admit it is fun, too...doesn't matter so much what it iis, just that it is thoughtful. in terms of giving and getting, historically we've done everything from expensive like a a tv to handmade to simple jewelry to memory ornaments to photo books and calendars of grandkids to "event" gifts..such as tickets to a theater show to go to together, etc. so it's not like we're trading gift cards or vases or ties. And that I wasn't asked, but rather 'told' bothers me, too. I have actually already purchased gifts for them (some are personalized, so not returnable or regiftable). I respect no-gifting as long as its a mutual decision. I don't like having the terms of my gift giving and the way we celebrate Christmas dictated to me. Also, it seems inconsistent to me for them to take this stance then set up a plastic tree in their home, decorate to the nines, send out and receive a hundred cards and spend $1000s on a fancy Christmas vacation. I guess it just smacks a bit more of " it's a lot of trouble and it stresses me out, plus I don't want to spend the money" more than "I want to be less materialistic and focus on the heart of Christmas". sure, I will celebrate Christmas even if they take away all the "ribbons and boxes and packages and bags" but it sure would be nice if the Grinches would bring the sleigh back to Who-ville. That show wouldn't be such a warm one if the Grinch never had a change of heart. Yes, it will come all the same and i will celebrate the religious meaning of Christmas. But I will still be sad.


I actually agree with op. I don't think it should be an order..that is so controlling. I would probably ask to talk about and maybe set a monetary limit. I remember my family doing this when I grew up..made me sad too.
Anonymous
OP, I'm on your side. For years, I gave everyone the most thoughtful gift I could think of. If that meant spending some money, fine (though I don't think it has to). If it meant buying the gift in July when I saw a perfect thing while on vacation, fine. These gifts were my way of saying "I think about you and love you all year, and your happiness is a priority for me".

Now everyone has kids, and everyone is really half-assing it for the adults. Sometimes nothing, sometimes something that was clearly bought in desperation at the last minute, and of course, sometimes, something really special.

I don't really blame anyone; life happens, we're all busy. But I too am a little sad that the tradition we used to have seems to have ended.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:In OP's second post came an interesting point: her in-laws otehr child is a young adult who buys gift cards for everyone that he can not afford. Do yo think in-laws stopped the madd gift giving to make sure that young person doesn't spend money he might not have trying to out-do your fabulous gifts? Maybe they feel embarrased that you can give so much and that he can't and he tries to over-compensate with gift cards. Maybe he just hates having to live up to you and asked his parents for a stop on the grown-up gifts.

You might try to be a little sensitive to other people's needs and desires. Its not all about you.


But the student brother probably received more than he gave, or should have. And if he was maxing out his budget buying gift cards, whose fault is that? If he feels like he will be judged for giving a gift of less monetary value, then that indicates there is either a problem in family relationships/dynamics/communication and/or he is really competitive or insecure. Eliminating the exchange of gifts will not solve any of those issues, but it IS a good way to model conflict avoidance. Setting a limit on spending won't solve it either, but will help if it is a personality/maturity issue.

When I was a student and even when I worked but had very limited income, I shopped for gifts all year long, taking advantage of sales, coupons, etc. I also shopped at thrift and consignment stores (would only buy if it was like new/ had tags). One year I gave each person a book with photo bookmarks (printed on computer and laminated at copy shop).

Sometimes, people who claim they cannot afford to give gifts really mean to say they can't afford to give the gift they would like to be able to give or feel expected to give. Other times what they mean is that they can't afford to give gifts AND spend money on other, discretionary things for themselves that they might not want to give up, like their daily trip to Starbucks or on demand movies or iTunes purchases, etc. Its about choices. Of course, for a minority of Americans, there is no choice, but that's not the situation that was described here.
Anonymous
This seems to be about OP's issues with her mother.
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