In laws say they will not exchange gifts with us adults this Christmas, only kids. I'm sad.

[Anonymous]

Give them the gifts. What are they going to do? Reject them outright?

[Anonymous]

"It's a lot of trouble and it stresses me out" sounds like a completely valid reason to me. Does your DH have siblings? If so, it probably gets exhausting to pick out thoughtful gifts for all her kids plus their spouses PLUS all the grandkids (and I say her because, if they're anything like my DH and I, she does all the gift selecting). That's great that you love giving gifts so much and picking them out. Don't assume that everyone is the same way. I'm that way too, to a point, but when it starts to get to be too many people to be able to spend the time to get something thoughtful, you just end up buying any old piece of crap or gift card or whatever and it DOES turn into a materialistic exchange, which is no fun. That's why my DH's siblings to a secret santa every year now. It's so much less stressful.

Either hold onto what you bought as birthday gifts or give them anyway privately.

[Anonymous]

I know you. Just stop. Your gifts are thoughtless and people are tired of it. What a mean girl you are...how dare they not do Christmas your way with their tacky tree and spend of money on vacations.

[Anonymous]

I respect no-gifting as long as its a mutual decision.

So if one party wants to exchange giftf, the other is compelled to? That's ridiculous.

I don't like having the terms of my gift giving and the way we celebrate Christmas dictated to me.

Yet you apparently have no problem dictating that others WILL exchange gifts with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I respect no-gifting as long as its a mutual decision.

So if one party wants to exchange giftf, the other is compelled to? That's ridiculous.

I don't like having the terms of my gift giving and the way we celebrate Christmas dictated to me.

Yet you apparently have no problem dictating that others WILL exchange gifts with you.

+1

If gift-giving is a chore and/or financially burdensome, then whoever wants to stop is entitled to say so.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've got news for you. They are sick of the monogrammed sweaters, personalized trivets and other unnecessary junk that you insist on dolling up in fancy wrapping and making a production of giving to them every year. THEY DON'T NEED ANY MORE STUFF.

If you feel so compelled to shop til you drop during the holiday season, why don't you take on a needy family, a nursing home, an orphanage or some other people that will really appreciate all of this?

Some of us have had it with the over materialism that Christmas has become. And it's THEIR TREE, THEIR MONEY and THEIR HOLIDAY too, you know.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would just give them what you got.

I make a photo album of what the kids did all year and give it to the grandparents. They give gifts to the kids. I don't want or expect anything in return but they do appreciate the books. I did a Shutterfly book this year -- not expensive at all and looks great.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has arbitrarily decided for the family how we do things as well. It changes when she changes her mind or when one SIL suggests a change. For the past few years we've drawn names among adults and everyone bought for kids. This year she changed her mind. Or rather SIL suggested a change and MIL went with it. MIL even had the gall to suggest we draw names for the older kids (18+) to exchange gifts, but not parents. So, we were going to sit down and draw names and tell them they were buying a gift for X cousin. I said no, they're old enough to decide amongst themselves what they want to do.

I no longer care what she does or doesn't do. We do what we want to do and leave her to the delusion that she's in control. I agree, nobody should dictate what you do at Christmas.

OP, give them the gifts and tell them they were already purchased when things changed.

[Anonymous]

If you really "loved" gift giving, you would continue to give with no expectation of anything in return and actually enjoy doing it.

[Anonymous]

Why not give the stuff to some needy people. We are so spoiled in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really "loved" gift giving, you would continue to give with no expectation of anything in return and actually enjoy doing it.

Agree. That part of OPs post doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Why not give them the gifts but label them from the kids directly to their grandparents. That way, you get to see the joy in them opening and they don't feel bad about not getting you something. I had 2 relatives tell me that they don't want to do gifts after I already got them each something I thought they'd really like. It made me feel a little bad but I'm just labeling them as from the kids since both relatives are getting gifts for the kids and hopefully they'll enjoy the gifts without the guilt.

[Anonymous]

Oh people, stop with the haterade.

OP, it is their choice not to exchange gifts. I can see how that would be startling after being used to years of doing that, but ultimately it's their time and money, right? Just give them what you already bought. If they are gracious and well mannered people, they will thank you.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I am one of those people who dislikes giving gifts for holidays/birthdays etc. I am a terrible gift giver, no matter how much thought I put into something. It actually does stress me out. We are fortunate to have the money to buy gifts but I would much rather donate my money to a food bank than reserve it for random things for my family members/friends who also don't need anything. I feel bad for my brother who does not have the expendable income we do and thus feels compelled to compete if we do things for family.

Now, that said, my mother and stepmother and 2 of my close friends LOVE giving gifts for all the reasons you said above. Neither my mom nor my stepmom want anything in return except to see our smiles. Seriously. With my own parents I don't feel so bad (our child makes them some things and they proudly display), but with my friends it does seem like more a chore. I do believe they expect something in return (b/c they expect me to go to the same effort they go to not because they want me to spend money).

I don't see how anyone wins in your situation. Or mine for that matter. It's important to recognize their feelings and respect them, even if you don't like it. But here's a suggestion for this year: take them each aside (individually) and tell them that when you got their message/email whatever about not wanting to exchange adult gifts, you'd already had something special made for them and couldn't return it. But you still want them to have it. This time only. Next year you'll know in advance and you won't do anything for the adults. Make it clear you are not expecting something in return - or even a thank you note. Just end it.

In a few years, perhaps you can broach the subject again about adult gifts. But honestly, I don't know very many people that regularly accept holiday or birthday gifts from folks without feeling the need to reciprocate (or feeling lousy if they don't). And it's not fair to place loved ones in stressful (to them) situations just because you like to buy gifts. Geez that sounds harsh as I write it, but I don't intend to sound mean, really. I know it takes the fun of it for you, but perhaps there is a way to focus your energy on gift giving for others want it - like the kids or doing something nice for your coworkers (baking) or friends (getting a group picture and framing it nicely) etc. Or do the "white elephant" gift things where everyone buys something for $5 and you draw numbers and pick gifts and folks can "steal" gifts from each other. Office parties sometimes do that and frankly those are amusing and lighthearted.

I can honestly tell you that around October every year, I start to stress about holiday gifts and feel resentful toward people who want to buy me things and thus require me to buy them things as well. Is that right? No, but it's how I feel.

I know their behavior hurts your feelings and that's not ok either. But boy it would sure be nice if just for a few seasons your relatives didn't have to stress about the holidays and could enjoy what they are all about - spending time with family (and whatever religious beliefs you might have).

You are clearly a generous and thoughtful person for taking the time to seek out gifts for your loved ones. I fear those traits will go unrecognized b/c said loved ones are feeling resentful about needing to reciprocate when they don't want to. Good luck OP. No win situation here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I am one of those people who dislikes giving gifts for holidays/birthdays etc. I am a terrible gift giver, no matter how much thought I put into something. It actually does stress me out. We are fortunate to have the money to buy gifts but I would much rather donate my money to a food bank than reserve it for random things for my family members/friends who also don't need anything. I feel bad for my brother who does not have the expendable income we do and thus feels compelled to compete if we do things for family.

Now, that said, my mother and stepmother and 2 of my close friends LOVE giving gifts for all the reasons you said above. Neither my mom nor my stepmom want anything in return except to see our smiles. Seriously. With my own parents I don't feel so bad (our child makes them some things and they proudly display), but with my friends it does seem like more a chore. I do believe they expect something in return (b/c they expect me to go to the same effort they go to not because they want me to spend money).

I don't see how anyone wins in your situation. Or mine for that matter. It's important to recognize their feelings and respect them, even if you don't like it. But here's a suggestion for this year: take them each aside (individually) and tell them that when you got their message/email whatever about not wanting to exchange adult gifts, you'd already had something special made for them and couldn't return it. But you still want them to have it. This time only. Next year you'll know in advance and you won't do anything for the adults. Make it clear you are not expecting something in return - or even a thank you note. Just end it.

In a few years, perhaps you can broach the subject again about adult gifts. But honestly, I don't know very many people that regularly accept holiday or birthday gifts from folks without feeling the need to reciprocate (or feeling lousy if they don't). And it's not fair to place loved ones in stressful (to them) situations just because you like to buy gifts. Geez that sounds harsh as I write it, but I don't intend to sound mean, really. I know it takes the fun of it for you, but perhaps there is a way to focus your energy on gift giving for others want it - like the kids or doing something nice for your coworkers (baking) or friends (getting a group picture and framing it nicely) etc. Or do the "white elephant" gift things where everyone buys something for $5 and you draw numbers and pick gifts and folks can "steal" gifts from each other. Office parties sometimes do that and frankly those are amusing and lighthearted.

I can honestly tell you that around October every year, I start to stress about holiday gifts and feel resentful toward people who want to buy me things and thus require me to buy them things as well. Is that right? No, but it's how I feel.

I know their behavior hurts your feelings and that's not ok either. But boy it would sure be nice if just for a few seasons your relatives didn't have to stress about the holidays and could enjoy what they are all about - spending time with family (and whatever religious beliefs you might have).

You are clearly a generous and thoughtful person for taking the time to seek out gifts for your loved ones. I fear those traits will go unrecognized b/c said loved ones are feeling resentful about needing to reciprocate when they don't want to. Good luck OP. No win situation here.

+1