Test results came back positive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

Jeff summarized this very thread.

Many users of DCUMAD do not even look at Jeff’s summaries on the front page.

Jeff has access to posts that the rest of us do not. He does not think OP is a troll.

Thanks for the reminder. Jeff gave a nice summary, which I think he wrote last week. I wonder what he would say about op now? Last week it was all about divorce and now it's back to having sex with trichy dick.

Ma’am, get away from us. Did you just say trichy dick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More than 90 percent of sexually active men and 80 percent of sexually active women will be infected with HPV in their lifetime.

The fact that many people have a disease doesn’t mean that OP wants it.

There are also many different strains of HPV, all of which dramatically increase a woman’s risk of developing cervical cancer and a man’s risk of developing throat cancer.

[Anonymous]

This is OP and man this thread has gone in many different directions. I was diagnosed with trichomoniasis, not HPV. Ive had 3 doctors tell me it's highly unlikely to have this transmitted through anything other than sexual contact, but my DH continues to claim he has been 100% faithful. I'm sorry, I just can't believe the toilet seat theory. That's just pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and man this thread has gone in many different directions. I was diagnosed with trichomoniasis, not HPV. Ive had 3 doctors tell me it's highly unlikely to have this transmitted through anything other than sexual contact, but my DH continues to claim he has been 100% faithful. I'm sorry, I just can't believe the toilet seat theory. That's just pathetic.

We don't believe that and we don't believe your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and man this thread has gone in many different directions. I was diagnosed with trichomoniasis, not HPV. Ive had 3 doctors tell me it's highly unlikely to have this transmitted through anything other than sexual contact, but my DH continues to claim he has been 100% faithful. I'm sorry, I just can't believe the toilet seat theory. That's just pathetic.

Those are transmitted the same way. If there are no obvious risk factors (like sitting in a public hot tub), your DH is lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Ignore the DCUM people giving bad advice about staying with him for your child. If he wants to be an involved parent, he can be an involved divorced parent. You deserve better.

I would probably sit on the information for a day or two, then tell him about it and that in no uncertain terms, the marriage is over. I don't know the legalities of asking him to move, but I would suggest it to him and consult with a divorce attorney ASAP. Also, if you don't already have a therapist, I would encourage you to get one.

I agree with PP, but having been in your shoes (finding out a spouse was cheating via evidence of an STI), I would say you should take a lot more than just a couple days to sit on the info. (Of course, stop sleeping with him ASAP.) There is a lot to do before you confront him.

First, it is entirely your choice to stay or end the relationship. I am someone who ended it while I had an 18 mo and a 5 yo. It was not easy, but, honestly, ending the relationship and making him move out was easier for all of us - kids included - than staying together. It is true that I am not as financially well off as I would be if I was in a stable, healthy marriage, but when someone is cheating on you remaining in a stable, healthy marriage is not an option because it doesn't exist for you. I ended it for not only for my own health and safety but also to ensure that my kids would grow up in a healthy household at least 50% of the time. Staying together with him would have been an unhealthy household 100% of the time. I did not want to model for my kids that one should stay with an abuser. I did not want to model lies and secrecy. I did not want to model living a double-faced life. I did not want my son and daughter to grow up thinking that they could do what he did nor that they must accept that behavior from a future partner.

Second, when I found out about the cheating I was in shock. I realized the world I thought I was living in was not at all the world that existed around me. I took some time to thoroughly investigate now exDH. I looked through all our bank statements, credit card statements, mail, files, medicine cabinet, computer files and history and searched the house thoroughly. What I found was illuminating and, although I never told him what I found, it enabled me to end the relationship and move forward on my own without any regrets. It also enabled me to withstand his post-split gaslighting about how he wanted to fix things. I'm not suggesting you need to do that - in and of itself his cheating releases you from any marital obligations or any obligations of mutual trust and honesty with him.

See an attorney before you confront him. Know what the likely custody and equity split, process and timeline will be. Copy any relevant documents and be prepared to move money and close accounts as directed by your attorney. Open new individual credit cards, bank accounts and cell phone accounts as needed.

As PP said, find a therapist for yourself (not a marriage counselor). Tell a few close people whom you can count on for support. Decide what you want to accomplish by confronting him with your knowledge of his infidelity and how much you are going to reveal about your own health status. IMO, you owe him no obligation to reveal that you have an STI from him. You also owe him no obligation to "work on the marriage". Be prepared to tell him clearly what you expect moving forward - do you want him to move out? move to a separate bedroom? are you going to file for divorce? what is the timeline on that? what do you envision in terms of custody arrangements? when and how will you tell the kids (if any)?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It gets better. I felt a huge sense of relief when he was gone. And, even though I was tied to him for years through the kids, even the worst parts of that were better than still being with him.

Wishing you a peaceful future, OP.

This is such a helpful note, coming from a person with experience. I was cheated on and left (did not have an STD) but my children were 9 and 14. So, a different world. Good luck OP. It IS nice to not have that negative energy in the home. Let your friends and family be there for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you retested? I just watched an Instagram reel yesterday where this young woman told the story of finding herself in the EXACT same situation (8 years in a monogamous relationship, tested positive for trich, thought her relationship was over, partner insisted he’d never cheated). So they went together, got tested, and were both negative. Apparently the incidence of false positives isn’t that low?

Anyway, I have not read all 22 pages so maybe you have already addressed this.

[Anonymous]

The NIH says an extensive literature search showed that nonsexual transmission of trichomonas can occur through fomites like towels and toilet seats and from swimming pools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The NIH says an extensive literature search showed that nonsexual transmission of trichomonas can occur through fomites like towels and toilet seats and from swimming pools.

You think a study accessible through PubMed means the "NIH" did "an extensive literature search?" You don't even know how this works.

PubMed is a search engine. It doesn't mean the NIH is taking a stand, or doing anything with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and man this thread has gone in many different directions. I was diagnosed with trichomoniasis, not HPV. Ive had 3 doctors tell me it's highly unlikely to have this transmitted through anything other than sexual contact, but my DH continues to claim he has been 100% faithful. I'm sorry, I just can't believe the toilet seat theory. That's just pathetic.

I’m sorry, OP. If your marriage was already bad and if you were really that unhappy, maybe it doesn’t matter whether or not he really cheated. Maybe this is just the catalyst you need to either recommit and build up your marriage or end things and move on. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and man this thread has gone in many different directions. I was diagnosed with trichomoniasis, not HPV. Ive had 3 doctors tell me it's highly unlikely to have this transmitted through anything other than sexual contact, but my DH continues to claim he has been 100% faithful. I'm sorry, I just can't believe the toilet seat theory. That's just pathetic.

I’m sorry, OP. If your marriage was already bad and if you were really that unhappy, maybe it doesn’t matter whether or not he really cheated. Maybe this is just the catalyst you need to either recommit and build up your marriage or end things and move on. Good luck.

Well said.

If nothing else, this incident means it is time to evaluate your marriage, OP.

Stay or go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

I disagree with you.