Test results came back positive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you retested? I just watched an Instagram reel yesterday where this young woman told the story of finding herself in the EXACT same situation (8 years in a monogamous relationship, tested positive for trich, thought her relationship was over, partner insisted he’d never cheated). So they went together, got tested, and were both negative. Apparently the incidence of false positives isn’t that low?

Anyway, I have not read all 22 pages so maybe you have already addressed this.

This is OP. I had very clear symptoms and one OB I spoke to said the chances of a false positive are incredibly low. I'm not sure why I keep seeking validation but my DH is so adamant he didn't do anything and his story is now that I'm the one who gave it him. He also says I must've gotten it in a pool months ago. Or the test was wrong. Its been so confusing. Does anyone know how contracting an STD plays into separation or divorce proceedings? Im guessing it ends up becoming a he said/she said scenario but wondering if it can feed into as an at fault divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you retested? I just watched an Instagram reel yesterday where this young woman told the story of finding herself in the EXACT same situation (8 years in a monogamous relationship, tested positive for trich, thought her relationship was over, partner insisted he’d never cheated). So they went together, got tested, and were both negative. Apparently the incidence of false positives isn’t that low?

Anyway, I have not read all 22 pages so maybe you have already addressed this.

This is OP. I had very clear symptoms and one OB I spoke to said the chances of a false positive are incredibly low. I'm not sure why I keep seeking validation but my DH is so adamant he didn't do anything and his story is now that I'm the one who gave it him. He also says I must've gotten it in a pool months ago. Or the test was wrong. Its been so confusing. Does anyone know how contracting an STD plays into separation or divorce proceedings? Im guessing it ends up becoming a he said/she said scenario but wondering if it can feed into as an at fault divorce.

That right there is from the mouth of a cheater. JFC. The 'toilet seat, hot tub, towel people', not to be trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

I am the OP that said it can happen to anyone. I did a full year of counselling to understand abuse after I left my bipolar ex. I always thought abuse was physical abuse (hitting etc), but it is much more complicated than that, including gaslighting. The OP’s husband sounds like he is gaslighting, and shifting blame for an STI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you retested? I just watched an Instagram reel yesterday where this young woman told the story of finding herself in the EXACT same situation (8 years in a monogamous relationship, tested positive for trich, thought her relationship was over, partner insisted he’d never cheated). So they went together, got tested, and were both negative. Apparently the incidence of false positives isn’t that low?

Anyway, I have not read all 22 pages so maybe you have already addressed this.

This is OP. I had very clear symptoms and one OB I spoke to said the chances of a false positive are incredibly low. I'm not sure why I keep seeking validation but my DH is so adamant he didn't do anything and his story is now that I'm the one who gave it him. He also says I must've gotten it in a pool months ago. Or the test was wrong. Its been so confusing. Does anyone know how contracting an STD plays into separation or divorce proceedings? Im guessing it ends up becoming a he said/she said scenario but wondering if it can feed into as an at fault divorce.

In which state are you? You might want to consult with an attorney if it's at fault or not. Were you tested for this STD prior, and test showing negative results?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you retested? I just watched an Instagram reel yesterday where this young woman told the story of finding herself in the EXACT same situation (8 years in a monogamous relationship, tested positive for trich, thought her relationship was over, partner insisted he’d never cheated). So they went together, got tested, and were both negative. Apparently the incidence of false positives isn’t that low?

Anyway, I have not read all 22 pages so maybe you have already addressed this.

This is OP. I had very clear symptoms and one OB I spoke to said the chances of a false positive are incredibly low. I'm not sure why I keep seeking validation but my DH is so adamant he didn't do anything and his story is now that I'm the one who gave it him. He also says I must've gotten it in a pool months ago. Or the test was wrong. Its been so confusing. Does anyone know how contracting an STD plays into separation or divorce proceedings? Im guessing it ends up becoming a he said/she said scenario but wondering if it can feed into as an at fault divorce.

In which state are you? You might want to consult with an attorney if it's at fault or not. Were you tested for this STD prior, and test showing negative results?

Oh. forgot to ask: did he test for it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you retested? I just watched an Instagram reel yesterday where this young woman told the story of finding herself in the EXACT same situation (8 years in a monogamous relationship, tested positive for trich, thought her relationship was over, partner insisted he’d never cheated). So they went together, got tested, and were both negative. Apparently the incidence of false positives isn’t that low?

Anyway, I have not read all 22 pages so maybe you have already addressed this.

This is OP. I had very clear symptoms and one OB I spoke to said the chances of a false positive are incredibly low. I'm not sure why I keep seeking validation but my DH is so adamant he didn't do anything and his story is now that I'm the one who gave it him. He also says I must've gotten it in a pool months ago. Or the test was wrong. Its been so confusing. Does anyone know how contracting an STD plays into separation or divorce proceedings? Im guessing it ends up becoming a he said/she said scenario but wondering if it can feed into as an at fault divorce.

That right there is from the mouth of a cheater. JFC. The 'toilet seat, hot tub, towel people', not to be trusted.

Sad but true. I know someone who initially claimed they contracted HIV from a towel at the gym…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

I am the OP that said it can happen to anyone. I did a full year of counselling to understand abuse after I left my bipolar ex. I always thought abuse was physical abuse (hitting etc), but it is much more complicated than that, including gaslighting. The OP’s husband sounds like he is gaslighting, and shifting blame for an STI.

I think a one-time act of violence can happen to anyone. But a prolonged gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, I'm sorry but no. Confident, healthy, independent women don't put up with that crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

I am the OP that said it can happen to anyone. I did a full year of counselling to understand abuse after I left my bipolar ex. I always thought abuse was physical abuse (hitting etc), but it is much more complicated than that, including gaslighting. The OP’s husband sounds like he is gaslighting, and shifting blame for an STI.

I think a one-time act of violence can happen to anyone. But a prolonged gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, I'm sorry but no. Confident, healthy, independent women don't put up with that crap.

NP. This is such an ignorant comment. This judgement and victim blaming only leads to women feeling more ashamed to seek help. ANYONE can be a victim. I hope you never experience it to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

I am the OP that said it can happen to anyone. I did a full year of counselling to understand abuse after I left my bipolar ex. I always thought abuse was physical abuse (hitting etc), but it is much more complicated than that, including gaslighting. The OP’s husband sounds like he is gaslighting, and shifting blame for an STI.

I think a one-time act of violence can happen to anyone. But a prolonged gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, I'm sorry but no. Confident, healthy, independent women don't put up with that crap.

You are so ignorant and judgemental. If you ever met me in person, and learn what I do for work, you would never imagine me to be a victim of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

I am the OP that said it can happen to anyone. I did a full year of counselling to understand abuse after I left my bipolar ex. I always thought abuse was physical abuse (hitting etc), but it is much more complicated than that, including gaslighting. The OP’s husband sounds like he is gaslighting, and shifting blame for an STI.

I think a one-time act of violence can happen to anyone. But a prolonged gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, I'm sorry but no. Confident, healthy, independent women don't put up with that crap.

NP. This is such an ignorant comment. This judgement and victim blaming only leads to women feeling more ashamed to seek help. ANYONE can be a victim. I hope you never experience it to understand.

We'll have to agree to disagree I guess. I don't believe that ANYONE can be a victim of prolonged abuse. But you are free to believe what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

I am the OP that said it can happen to anyone. I did a full year of counselling to understand abuse after I left my bipolar ex. I always thought abuse was physical abuse (hitting etc), but it is much more complicated than that, including gaslighting. The OP’s husband sounds like he is gaslighting, and shifting blame for an STI.

I think a one-time act of violence can happen to anyone. But a prolonged gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, I'm sorry but no. Confident, healthy, independent women don't put up with that crap.

You are so ignorant and judgemental. If you ever met me in person, and learn what I do for work, you would never imagine me to be a victim of abuse.

I have no doubt that victims come from all walks of life. You are intentionally misunderstanding me. I have no doubt that successful women can be victims of abuse. But I do believe that there is a common personality trait that makes you more susceptible. You can be successful in other areas of your life and still have unhealthy, codependent intimate relationships. I'm also not saying this to blame or shame anyone. But to say you were completely without agency in the relationship is not saying much about you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you having sex?

OP here- yes we are, albeit not very often. Once every 10 days or so. It's not something I look forward to but feel like I need to to keep the peace.

Please be a troll.

I never understand troll accusations on here.

It's sad enough the people are so desperate that they post their problems on an anonymous forum, to be judged by countless strangers.

If by "troll" you mean someone who is making up a storyline, are there people really that desperate for attention that they make stuff up and post it on an online forum?

I think that PP was hoping that OP is a troll because this is just a sad, sad story. I don't think OP is a troll at all but it would be nice if someone wasn't actually having sex she didn't want to appease her partner who has now giving her an STI.

Also, yes, people do make up stories on the internet. If you read Jeff's summaries on the home page, it happens surprisingly frequently and some of the posts really do go into great detail and the posters often spend significant time posting follow-ups. It's wild.

I think a lot of us are having appeasement sex (I'm a guy) just to maintain our marriages. If that's all the sex that is left, it's no wonder that someone strays looking for something else (not talking about myself.)

I guess I'm a bit naiive aobut the internet.

Why are you only having "appeasement" sex? Are you not attracted to your wife?

People need to value themselves more. I will never force myself to have sex with anyone. If I don't want it, I won't do it. and wtf enjoys coercing or having sex under duress? I think the young people call that rape.

You are operating from a place of tremendous privilege to be able to say, "if I don't want it I won't do it." No one enjoys having sex under duress, and yes, it does feel rape-y, but many women aren't in a position to refuse and have their marriage upended in an instant.

My husband cheated on me when I was six months pregnant with my second child and in my second to last semester of grad school.

I had no job. I was within reach of a valuable degree. The best thing for me and my children was to keep the situation stable and graduate, take my licensing exam and find a job and then kick him out. And if that meant sleeping with him at some minimum level then so be it.

Because I was pregnant, it was easy to buy some time not sleeping with him and avoid most but not all of his demands.

But, you know what wouldn't have been easy? Couch surfing at relatives with an infant and a pre-Ker. Or going into more debt on top of what I'd already paid for grad school. Or finishing school as a single mom with two kids going thru the trauma of divorce themselves.

It wasn't that I didn't value myself - it was that society didn't value me enough to create the structures to support women - no maternity leave, no access to affordable quality daycare, outrageous tuition rates, low rates of child support that are often unenforceable or delayed, and just in general, displacement of all the work of parenting onto the mom. And it was that I valued my kids above myself. I wasn't going to put them in an unstable living situation or through the trauma of multiple moves, leaving their neighborhood and school unexpectedly, etc.

And I say all that as a raging feminist who never imagined I would be in the situation I was or stay in it for more than a hot second. (Mostly because in my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine any person could behave as badly as my ex did.)

So, F you and your high and mighty "I would never do that" and "you people have to respect yourselves more". People like you are the exact reason women don't speak about their abusive situation. Shame on you for shaming OP. You have no idea why she feels the need to keep the peace for now.

I am sure there is much wisdom in your post. But it is high time women stopped putting themselves in financially dependent situations, so they feel trapped like you did. It is a dangerous place to be, and we need to teach our daughters that.

I feel like I would not have bit my lip and submitted to unwanted sex because that made the most sense in terms of money or logistics. But maybe for your family it was the best thing.

I hope future women maintain more control and have supports outside of their husbands. Also, that the legal system would front women some money to seek legal advice early in the process.

I hope that you are in a good place now (and that your ex is alone).

This is easy for you to say and judge when you have never experienced it. Being in an abusive situation is a slow process over time that slowly degrades your sense of reality. Strong and independent women find themselves in these situations as well. Abuse can happen to anyone, so please stop with your condescending posts.

NP. I don't think that's true. I think it affects a certain personality type. I'm certainly not blaming you for being susceptible to it, nor am I excusing it. But I do not think it can happen to "anyone."

All demographics are at risk of domestic violence, mostly because it's actually pretty common (https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/ ) - but there are a few things that reduce that risk, like education (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/ ).

It can happen to anyone. Personality type is not mentioned as something that protects against it. More should be done to teach the red flags that point to a partner being potentially abusive, because that knowledge is what is most important.

I am the OP that said it can happen to anyone. I did a full year of counselling to understand abuse after I left my bipolar ex. I always thought abuse was physical abuse (hitting etc), but it is much more complicated than that, including gaslighting. The OP’s husband sounds like he is gaslighting, and shifting blame for an STI.

I think a one-time act of violence can happen to anyone. But a prolonged gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, I'm sorry but no. Confident, healthy, independent women don't put up with that crap.

You are so ignorant and judgemental. If you ever met me in person, and learn what I do for work, you would never imagine me to be a victim of abuse.

I have no doubt that victims come from all walks of life. You are intentionally misunderstanding me. I have no doubt that successful women can be victims of abuse. But I do believe that there is a common personality trait that makes you more susceptible. You can be successful in other areas of your life and still have unhealthy, codependent intimate relationships. I'm also not saying this to blame or shame anyone. But to say you were completely without agency in the relationship is not saying much about you either.

Can you start a S/O? From what I can tell neither of you is the OP, and you are derailing the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you retested? I just watched an Instagram reel yesterday where this young woman told the story of finding herself in the EXACT same situation (8 years in a monogamous relationship, tested positive for trich, thought her relationship was over, partner insisted he’d never cheated). So they went together, got tested, and were both negative. Apparently the incidence of false positives isn’t that low?

Anyway, I have not read all 22 pages so maybe you have already addressed this.

This is OP. I had very clear symptoms and one OB I spoke to said the chances of a false positive are incredibly low. I'm not sure why I keep seeking validation but my DH is so adamant he didn't do anything and his story is now that I'm the one who gave it him. He also says I must've gotten it in a pool months ago. Or the test was wrong. Its been so confusing. Does anyone know how contracting an STD plays into separation or divorce proceedings? Im guessing it ends up becoming a he said/she said scenario but wondering if it can feed into as an at fault divorce.

So he has the STD as well?

"He also says I must've gotten it in a pool months ago. Or the test was wrong. Its been so confusing."
It's only confusing because he's lying to you and screwing with your head. Stay strong. Follow the science and your gut!

[Anonymous]

OP, does your husband also have the STD?