How to avoid a “my way or the highway” nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nannies will get nowhere with the argument that they know better than parents, or pediatricians (!).

That kind of approach doesn't work in any workplace.

I'll never forget one of my infantcare jobs when the parents were candid enough to tell me that they had no clue about anything because neither one of them had ever even held a baby before. One Friday evening as I was about to leave for my weekend off, I handed off the baby to the father. (The mother was out-of-town.) He looked at me like a deer in headlights, and said: "What do I do???"

So you, my friend, may speak for yourself, but certainly not for all parents who value expert guidance.

OP has a 2-year-old. She's not a rookie parent.

Some 12 year olds have dumb parents. What's your point?

Crickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple schools of thought on these things you mention and a nanny who is a good fit for you will accommodate them instead of ordering you around like a drill sergeant. I have a lovely nanny with 10+ years experience who is autonomous enough to make good decisions in our absence, has a lot of helpful suggestions (of which we take probably 80%), but defers to us or asks us on things that are parenting preferences. in exchange we give her free rein as long as our general philosophy and major safety/health related preferences are followed . You can definitely find such a nanny who will be a valued partner!

A nanny should understand that just as she would not like being micromanaged, parents don't want an "expert" to criticize and nitpick every parenting decision they make. That is what mothers in law are for and they are FREE.

I agree 100% with all of the above -- and I actually think the nanny in question here was right in everything that she told you (dictated to you).

Our pediatrician recommends CIO after 6 mos of age, as well as iron fortified cereal for breastfed babies. But what does she know?

Most nannies know that pediatricians know a lot less than the godlike omniscience that parents give them credit for. I have seen all kinds of misdiagnoses, or misleading advice based on peds who are trying to steer parents towards the ped’s own preference, or peds who give counsel that is outdated or uninformed. But yes, your doctor said it so definitely follow it blindly. I am sure every pediatrician out there is an expert in every area of parenting.

LOL. So if my nanny and doctor disagree, I should listen to the nanny with no questions asked? You people are unreal. Get over yourselves.

Fantastic illustration of the Dunning-Kruger effect here.

Where did anyone say you should listen to the nanny (or anyone else) no questions asked. If your experienced, educated nanny says A and the pediatrician says B, you ask both for more information and to cite their sources and you check other reputable sources as well. Mayo clinic is a good online source as well as healthychildren.org (run by the AAP). But what do I know? I’ve only been working with children professionally and hands-on for a decade.

You can't say that pediatricians know nothing about normal development, then try to cite the APA as a reputable source of information. Pick a side. Also, both those publications are written for lay people, not professionals.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the nanny in the examples that OP listed. However, OP is the employer and obviously has the final word in how her child is raised and it sounds like the nanny needs some lessons in diplomacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple schools of thought on these things you mention and a nanny who is a good fit for you will accommodate them instead of ordering you around like a drill sergeant. I have a lovely nanny with 10+ years experience who is autonomous enough to make good decisions in our absence, has a lot of helpful suggestions (of which we take probably 80%), but defers to us or asks us on things that are parenting preferences. in exchange we give her free rein as long as our general philosophy and major safety/health related preferences are followed . You can definitely find such a nanny who will be a valued partner!

A nanny should understand that just as she would not like being micromanaged, parents don't want an "expert" to criticize and nitpick every parenting decision they make. That is what mothers in law are for and they are FREE.

I agree 100% with all of the above -- and I actually think the nanny in question here was right in everything that she told you (dictated to you).

Our pediatrician recommends CIO after 6 mos of age, as well as iron fortified cereal for breastfed babies. But what does she know?

Most nannies know that pediatricians know a lot less than the godlike omniscience that parents give them credit for. I have seen all kinds of misdiagnoses, or misleading advice based on peds who are trying to steer parents towards the ped’s own preference, or peds who give counsel that is outdated or uninformed. But yes, your doctor said it so definitely follow it blindly. I am sure every pediatrician out there is an expert in every area of parenting.

LOL. So if my nanny and doctor disagree, I should listen to the nanny with no questions asked? You people are unreal. Get over yourselves.

Fantastic illustration of the Dunning-Kruger effect here.

Where did anyone say you should listen to the nanny (or anyone else) no questions asked. If your experienced, educated nanny says A and the pediatrician says B, you ask both for more information and to cite their sources and you check other reputable sources as well. Mayo clinic is a good online source as well as healthychildren.org (run by the AAP). But what do I know? I’ve only been working with children professionally and hands-on for a decade.

You can't say that pediatricians know nothing about normal development, then try to cite the APA as a reputable source of information. Pick a side. Also, both those publications are written for lay people, not professionals.

I never said that pediatricians know nothing about normal development. I said that many parents treat the ped like God and obey every statement like it must be current, thoughtful and thoroughly researched. When the AAP collectively publishes policy statements and guidance, it IS current, thoughtful and thoroughly researched. But individual pediatricians are fallible human beings and often are biased, lazy or underinformed. Yes, tose oublications are for laypeople, but if a ped is giving advice that is contrary to a published AAP, I would hope most parents would want to be alerted to that and to ask their ped why their child is an exception to the published advice. Sometimes there is a very good reason, but often when I have pointed out to parents that the advice they were given is the opposite of the party line, they have asked only to be told that it was not actual medical advice (as it was stated or implied originally), but it was really just an opinion from one parent to another. As a nanny, I tend to know a lot more about the “party line” of the AAP and other children’s health organizations than a typical first time parent (and no, this doesn’t expire when the child is a toddler. That is their first toddler, but it is my tenth. I know this is a huge hread derailment but please everyone be aware that medical advice needs to be researched and evaluated. Please have other sources for parenting decisions aside from one person who sees your kid for 20 minutes twice a year.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that I agree with the nanny in content but not delivery. All of her advise should have been given as a suggestion and not an edict. But OP also should have been more open to her opinion and experience. The nanny should not have waited to be asked her opinion as OP stated.

And the nanny quit. It was a bad fit all around but it is difficult for me to believe that OP was totally innocent and handled everything perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the nanny in the examples that OP listed. However, OP is the employer and obviously has the final word in how her child is raised and it sounds like the nanny needs some lessons in diplomacy.

Yes, and often MBs/DBs know their bosses are "wrong" about something and have to decide how to handle. Not a good idea to be silent but also not a good career move to be obnoxious about it, which the nanny was apparently doing. Nannies should make their NF's life easier, not stressful and unpleasant. Also I agree that sometimes pediatricians give advice based on their own kids (sample of 1-2) rather than "professional" advice. Parents should know which they are getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the nanny in the examples that OP listed. However, OP is the employer and obviously has the final word in how her child is raised and it sounds like the nanny needs some lessons in diplomacy.

Op needs some interviewing lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the nanny in the examples that OP listed. However, OP is the employer and obviously has the final word in how her child is raised and it sounds like the nanny needs some lessons in diplomacy.

Op needs some interviewing lessons.

I agree - all the OP needs to do is interview more carefully so she can choose a nanny who will be a better fit. This is true for nannies also - if you want to be the authority then only take jobs w/ parents who seek that level of guidance. All this scenario is at the heart is a bad hire - the wrong match between employer and employee.

[Anonymous]

Evidently she were in long term positions because she is good at what she does. And what does she not having children have to do with anything? Some of you parents don't have a clue on raising children. Reading a book about raising children isn't a map to grandmama home. Children are very complicated little human beings.

You sound like a young mother, I understand that many of the young parents today have no idea on raising children....the majority of them are jokes, their children chew them up and spit them out.. And many of your children are horrible human beings. Instead of you interviewing nannies for jobs you should interview the children they raised and they will tell you why they turned out the way they did. How man children have you people heard killed their nannies....none or not too many.

Nannies set rules and stand by them we are not wishy washy in our actions and we love your children unconditionally and we are respected by your children. How many of you can say that. If you want to get rid of this nanny because she is a professional and wants you to have well train, well develop young men or women go right ahead and fire her. You probably will get another one who doesn't give two hoots about your children or you, but her paycheck. Your other alternative is to stay home and raise your children yourself.

I am a no-nonsense, childless nanny also, I been in the business for many years. I raised some awesome young men, some who think of me as their second mom.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Evidently she were in long term positions because she is good at what she does. And what does she not having children have to do with anything? Some of you parents don't have a clue on raising children. Reading a book about raising children isn't a map to grandmama home. Children are very complicated little human beings.

You sound like a young mother, I understand that many of the young parents today have no idea on raising children....the majority of them are jokes, their children chew them up and spit them out.. And many of your children are horrible human beings. Instead of you interviewing nannies for jobs you should interview the children they raised and they will tell you why they turned out the way they did. How many children have you people heard killed their nannies....none or not too many.

Nannies set rules and stand by them we are not wishy washy in our actions and we love your children unconditionally and we are respected by your children. How many of you can say that. If you want to get rid of this nanny because she is a professional and wants you to have well train, well develop young men or women go right ahead and fire her. You probably will get another one who doesn't give two hoots about your children or you, but her paycheck. Your other alternative is to stay home and raise your children yourself.

I am a no-nonsense, childless nanny also, I been in the business for many years. I raised some awesome young men, some who think of me as their second mom.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Evidently she were in long term positions because she is good at what she does. And what does she not having children have to do with anything? Some of you parents don't have a clue on raising children. Reading a book about raising children isn't a map to grandmama home. Children are very complicated little human beings.

You sound like a young mother, I understand that many of the young parents today have no idea on raising children....the majority of them are jokes, their children chew them up and spit them out.. And many of your children are horrible human beings. Instead of you interviewing nannies for jobs you should interview the children they raised and they will tell you why they turned out the way they did. How many children have you people heard killed their nannies....none or not too many.

Nannies set rules and stand by them we are not wishy washy in our actions and we love your children unconditionally and we are respected by your children. How many of you can say that. If you want to get rid of this nanny because she is a professional and wants you to have well train, well develop young men or women go right ahead and fire her. You probably will get another one who doesn't give two hoots about your children or you, but her paycheck. Your other alternative is to stay home and raise your children yourself.

I am a no-nonsense, childless nanny also, I been in the business for many years. I raised some awesome young men, some who think of me as their second mom.....

I love this post. Nanny employers should really reflect on this if they're lucky enough to have such a dedicated nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Evidently she were in long term positions because she is good at what she does. And what does she not having children have to do with anything? Some of you parents don't have a clue on raising children. Reading a book about raising children isn't a map to grandmama home. Children are very complicated little human beings.

You sound like a young mother, I understand that many of the young parents today have no idea on raising children....the majority of them are jokes, their children chew them up and spit them out.. And many of your children are horrible human beings. Instead of you interviewing nannies for jobs you should interview the children they raised and they will tell you why they turned out the way they did. How many children have you people heard killed their nannies....none or not too many.

Nannies set rules and stand by them we are not wishy washy in our actions and we love your children unconditionally and we are respected by your children. How many of you can say that. If you want to get rid of this nanny because she is a professional and wants you to have well train, well develop young men or women go right ahead and fire her. You probably will get another one who doesn't give two hoots about your children or you, but her paycheck. Your other alternative is to stay home and raise your children yourself.

I am a no-nonsense, childless nanny also, I been in the business for many years. I raised some awesome young men, some who think of me as their second mom.....

I love this post. Nanny employers should really reflect on this if they're lucky enough to have such a dedicated nanny.

Oh please.

Any nanny who thinks many parents today are jokes, and many of their children are "horrible human beings" has an attitude that is absurd. Perhaps some parents are insecure enough to hire that kind of condescending superiority but they're probably the same parents who breathe a sigh of relief when they can finally justify letting the nanny go as soon as the kids are old enough for preschool.

I don't respect anyone, in any work setting, who walks around with the kind of attitude displayed on this thread and so frequently on this board. And I don't hire them either. I do hire the best, smartest, most capable people with whom I think I can have a good collaborative working relationship - and that works well in any work setting also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Evidently she were in long term positions because she is good at what she does. And what does she not having children have to do with anything? Some of you parents don't have a clue on raising children. Reading a book about raising children isn't a map to grandmama home. Children are very complicated little human beings.

You sound like a young mother, I understand that many of the young parents today have no idea on raising children....the majority of them are jokes, their children chew them up and spit them out.. And many of your children are horrible human beings. Instead of you interviewing nannies for jobs you should interview the children they raised and they will tell you why they turned out the way they did. How many children have you people heard killed their nannies....none or not too many.

Nannies set rules and stand by them we are not wishy washy in our actions and we love your children unconditionally and we are respected by your children. How many of you can say that. If you want to get rid of this nanny because she is a professional and wants you to have well train, well develop young men or women go right ahead and fire her. You probably will get another one who doesn't give two hoots about your children or you, but her paycheck. Your other alternative is to stay home and raise your children yourself.

I am a no-nonsense, childless nanny also, I been in the business for many years. I raised some awesome young men, some who think of me as their second mom.....

I love this post. Nanny employers should really reflect on this if they're lucky enough to have such a dedicated nanny.

Oh please.

Any nanny who thinks many parents today are jokes, and many of their children are "horrible human beings" has an attitude that is absurd. Perhaps some parents are insecure enough to hire that kind of condescending superiority but they're probably the same parents who breathe a sigh of relief when they can finally justify letting the nanny go as soon as the kids are old enough for preschool.

I don't respect anyone, in any work setting, who walks around with the kind of attitude displayed on this thread and so frequently on this board. And I don't hire them either. I do hire the best, smartest, most capable people with whom I think I can have a good collaborative working relationship - and that works well in any work setting also.

Does your child chew you up and spit you out? Be honest.