How to avoid a “my way or the highway” nanny

[Anonymous]

Our nanny of 7 months just put in her 2 weeks notice siting we didn’t give her enough autonomy. She is a my way or the highway” type nanny and said it was a bad fit. She came with great references and tons of experience. She has several long term (4+ years) before we employed her. She is great at what she does but has an opinion on EVERYTHING. What detergent to use. When and how to sleep train. How to potty train. How we should discipline. We do appreciate some input (when asked), but in the end we are the parents and all decisions will be made by us. The parents and employers. This obviously didn’t sit well with our nanny. Very type A, great self-advocate, mid-50s, single and childless. She is educated on hold development, but didn’t seem to understand all the experience in the world isn’t the same as being an actual parent. It caused a lot of tension, and we had been looking to replace her before she quit.

Regardless, we are in the search again. Yes, we want an experienced and educated nanny but also someone willing to take directions as it is given and not second guess our parenting decisions. How do we verbalize this? Hey

[Anonymous]

*child development

[Anonymous]

I would ask the references about this . Say you have had an issue in the past. How does miss Helen handle this or that. Does she go with the flow.
I'm very go with the flow except for safety. A child must be properly in a car seat with me even if the parents don't care about the 3 year old not being buckled in .

[Anonymous]

Talk to me about what have been the best working relationships with parents in your prior jobs. Why?

What are your thoughts on sleep training? (Or discipline, or potty training or whatever is the most relevant issue for you currently and in the next year-18 months.)

What would you do if we asked you to do something that you disagreed with?

Have you worked with first time parents before? What do you think is the best way (or the most important factors ) for new parents and an experienced nanny to build a good working relationship?

What makes for a good "fit" for you in a job? What's your wish list for the "perfect" employer? What are your non-negotiables? (I.E. - I will leave a job before using physicial discipline. I don't believe in vaccinations. etc...)


Those are good questions to elicit information about how flexible they are in their thinking. You also should be prepared to talk about how you envision the relationship "We hope to hire someone who will be a true partner, but who will also feel comfortable carrying out our wishes with regard to diet, schedule, activity, etc... We would highly value your expertise and opinion, and we'd also expect you to respect however we choose to parent our child."

Sounds like you are well rid of the first nanny so I'm sure your radar will be much better attuned to those issues going forward. Be careful not to go too far the other direction of course, you do want someone who can function autonomously enough that you trust their judgement when you are not around, etc... But everything needs to be rooted in trust that your wishes are being carried out. That's a perfectly reasonable and fair non-negotiable for you to have - and to articulate to any candidate who wants to know why your first nanny didn't work out. "She disagreed with our choices on everything, including detergent. She quit because she felt we didn't give her the autonomy to care for our child as she thought best, not as we instructed. Clearly it was a bad fit so we're taking the time to make sure we don't repeat that mistake."

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

This is one reason I went for less experience. I wouldn't want to be told how to do my job if I were an expert, either. She needs a family that needs someone to truly take over because they both work 7-7. I knew I would want to be more involved.

The questions a PP gave you were good ones, but you have to find the happy medium between the uber-competent nanny who doesn't need or want direction, and the nanny who can only say, "I'll do whatever you want" in the interview -- that one will drive you equally batty with her lack of initiative and problem-solving skills.

You want someone who sees herself as part of a team with you, and sees herself as supporting the family, vs. being her own child care service that you have hired.

[Anonymous]

What were the issues, op? Red shirt vs blue shirt or more like nanny says, "we pick up our toys"? HUGE difference.

[Anonymous]

An educated nanny will understand that there are "many paths to the top of the mountain". I would have an issue with anyone who didn't understand that and was willing to explore.

However if you were micromanaging or asking for something the nanny simply opposed(Baby Wise, spanking, CIO, etc) you are going to have a problem with anyone you employ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny of 7 months just put in her 2 weeks notice siting we didn’t give her enough autonomy. She is a my way or the highway” type nanny and said it was a bad fit. She came with great references and tons of experience. She has several long term (4+ years) before we employed her. She is great at what she does but has an opinion on EVERYTHING. What detergent to use. When and how to sleep train. How to potty train. How we should discipline. We do appreciate some input (when asked), but in the end we are the parents and all decisions will be made by us. The parents and employers. This obviously didn’t sit well with our nanny. Very type A, great self-advocate, mid-50s, single and childless. She is educated on hold development, but didn’t seem to understand all the experience in the world isn’t the same as being an actual parent. It caused a lot of tension, and we had been looking to replace her before she quit.

Regardless, we are in the search again. Yes, we want an experienced and educated nanny but also someone willing to take directions as it is given and not second guess our parenting decisions. How do we verbalize this?

Actually, the four things you quoted (detergent, sleep training, potty training, discipline) are some of the most important questions I ask. Why did these not come up in the interview process?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An educated nanny will understand that there are "many paths to the top of the mountain". I would have an issue with anyone who didn't understand that and was willing to explore.

However if you were micromanaging or asking for something the nanny simply opposed(Baby Wise, spanking, CIO, etc) you are going to have a problem with anyone you employ.

I agree with the second paragraph. For me, all of the four stated differences of opinion would make or break the fit, so I ask the parents in the interview, if they don’t ask me.

[Anonymous]

Don’t beat yourself up, this happens. It’s really hard to screen for nannies as there is such a wide range of skills.

She resigned versus you asking her to leave, and you said she great at childcare.
Would you consider having a mediation with her? Trying to iron out all these details so there are house rules and you feel like you’re in control.
It sounds like her style is off and while chemistry is important i personally think capability is much harder to find, in particular someone who has integrity and tells you the way she wants to do stuff versus doing it that way anyway.

We had a tough first year with our Nanny but four years later I’m so glad we stuck it out. I work a lot and she’s a great resource for me on all thinks related to my kids and now my house. She makes me look like I’m on top of stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one reason I went for less experience. I wouldn't want to be told how to do my job if I were an expert, either. She needs a family that needs someone to truly take over because they both work 7-7. I knew I would want to be more involved.

The questions a PP gave you were good ones, but you have to find the happy medium between the uber-competent nanny who doesn't need or want direction, and the nanny who can only say, "I'll do whatever you want" in the interview -- that one will drive you equally batty with her lack of initiative and problem-solving skills.

You want someone who sees herself as part of a team with you, and sees herself as supporting the family, vs. being her own child care service that you have hired.

NP I just posted below re our Nanny who we love. She has full control which took a bit of getting used to but she’s so much better than I am at most of this stuff so I feel so grateful to have her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one reason I went for less experience. I wouldn't want to be told how to do my job if I were an expert, either. She needs a family that needs someone to truly take over because they both work 7-7. I knew I would want to be more involved.

The questions a PP gave you were good ones, but you have to find the happy medium between the uber-competent nanny who doesn't need or want direction, and the nanny who can only say, "I'll do whatever you want" in the interview -- that one will drive you equally batty with her lack of initiative and problem-solving skills.

You want someone who sees herself as part of a team with you, and sees herself as supporting the family, vs. being her own child care service that you have hired.

NP I just posted below re our Nanny who we love. She has full control which took a bit of getting used to but she’s so much better than I am at most of this stuff so I feel so grateful to have her.

I have lots of respect for parents like you. My last (CEO of her own very successful company) employer wanted me to know that she picked me because I was the only one who told her what I'd do with her newborn all day. Everyone else said, "I'll do whatever you want." That parent wanted a professional who knew how to do the work.

Parents who don't want that should look for someone fairly new to the field of child development, without much expertise. You can train the sitter if she's willing to learn from you, but you need to invest much more time.

[Anonymous]

I am very grateful that our nanny had the education and experience to guide me. Yes, she would do as I ask but I give her free reign with the day to day. I hired her before DD was born and shared the books that I read and agreed with and we discussed them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny of 7 months just put in her 2 weeks notice siting we didn’t give her enough autonomy. She is a my way or the highway” type nanny and said it was a bad fit. She came with great references and tons of experience. She has several long term (4+ years) before we employed her. She is great at what she does but has an opinion on EVERYTHING. What detergent to use. When and how to sleep train. How to potty train. How we should discipline. We do appreciate some input (when asked), but in the end we are the parents and all decisions will be made by us. The parents and employers. This obviously didn’t sit well with our nanny. Very type A, great self-advocate, mid-50s, single and childless. She is educated on hold development, but didn’t seem to understand all the experience in the world isn’t the same as being an actual parent. It caused a lot of tension, and we had been looking to replace her before she quit.

Regardless, we are in the search again. Yes, we want an experienced and educated nanny but also someone willing to take directions as it is given and not second guess our parenting decisions. How do we verbalize this? Hey

Sometimes not being a parent is a huge plus in a nanny! No conflicts of interest.

What detergent did she recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny of 7 months just put in her 2 weeks notice siting we didn’t give her enough autonomy. She is a my way or the highway” type nanny and said it was a bad fit. She came with great references and tons of experience. She has several long term (4+ years) before we employed her. She is great at what she does but has an opinion on EVERYTHING. What detergent to use. When and how to sleep train. How to potty train. How we should discipline. We do appreciate some input (when asked), but in the end we are the parents and all decisions will be made by us. The parents and employers. This obviously didn’t sit well with our nanny. Very type A, great self-advocate, mid-50s, single and childless. She is educated on hold development, but didn’t seem to understand all the experience in the world isn’t the same as being an actual parent. It caused a lot of tension, and we had been looking to replace her before she quit.

Regardless, we are in the search again. Yes, we want an experienced and educated nanny but also someone willing to take directions as it is given and not second guess our parenting decisions. How do we verbalize this? Hey

Sometimes not being a parent is a huge plus in a nanny! No conflicts of interest.

What detergent did she recommend?

Good question. I'd also like to know that, as well as which detergent the parent was stuck on.