How to avoid a “my way or the highway” nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were the issues, op? Red shirt vs blue shirt or more like nanny says, "we pick up our toys"? HUGE difference.

The issues were everything it seemed like.

She had one way of doing things and wanted her opinions not only voiced but followed.

Day 1 she came in and told us to throw away our Dreft. We used it with our oldest, no issues. She said anything that fragranced is bad and recommended several other brand that were expensive.

She was super controlling over how we did sleep training. Adamant about not doing any form of CIO “too early” but had this insane routine we had to keep consistent with every night. It just didn’t work. It’s easy to make suggestions when you are not the one losing sleep! We have a 2-year-old and did the same things with her and it worked out. She’s a good sleeper! We didn’t want to make changes to how we did things, because what we do works.

Told us 2-year-old needed to be PT immediately. Told us how to do it. Basically wanted us to take up our whole weekend with this extreme method. Toddler wasn’t ready.

When our baby was ready for solids she was militant about what she should and shouldn’t eat. “No cereal! Flavor the food! Homemade! No, don’t give her that!”

It got old, and despite her being a great nanny I was getting very tired of her unwanted corrections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny of 7 months just put in her 2 weeks notice siting we didn’t give her enough autonomy. She is a my way or the highway” type nanny and said it was a bad fit. She came with great references and tons of experience. She has several long term (4+ years) before we employed her. She is great at what she does but has an opinion on EVERYTHING. What detergent to use. When and how to sleep train. How to potty train. How we should discipline. We do appreciate some input (when asked), but in the end we are the parents and all decisions will be made by us. The parents and employers. This obviously didn’t sit well with our nanny. Very type A, great self-advocate, mid-50s, single and childless. She is educated on hold development, but didn’t seem to understand all the experience in the world isn’t the same as being an actual parent. It caused a lot of tension, and we had been looking to replace her before she quit.

Regardless, we are in the search again. Yes, we want an experienced and educated nanny but also someone willing to take directions as it is given and not second guess our parenting decisions. How do we verbalize this? Hey

Sometimes not being a parent is a huge plus in a nanny! No conflicts of interest.

Rock’n Green. It’s way too expensive and ineffective. We used Dreft.



What detergent did she recommend?

[Anonymous]

I completely understand why she grated on you and wasn’t a good fit. That said, she’s right about the potty training. No kid is ever “ready” to stop crapping their pants and letting someone else clean it up. They’re ready when you decide to put in the effort to train them otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I think the biggest problem was that the person quit before op was able to find a better replacement. And poor op is pissed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand why she grated on you and wasn’t a good fit. That said, she’s right about the potty training. No kid is ever “ready” to stop crapping their pants and letting someone else clean it up. They’re ready when you decide to put in the effort to train them otherwise.

BS. All four of mine trained in one day at 3-3.5 because one day they decided they were ready. You don't want to change diapers, and I don't want to have to set a timer. There is not one right way.

I do think Dreft is a huge waste of money. All Free and Clear for the win!

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier about finding a nanny with a team approach. I actually agree with your nanny on nearly everything except the sleep scheduling and potty training, but nothing you're doing is harmful. They are all parenting choices and you get to make them. Hire someone else.

[Anonymous]

Just hire someone who doesn't care about whatever misguided directions you dictate. Less thinking on her part. She should cost you about half as much as a professional.

[Anonymous]

How many nannies have you already had? Something tells me there isn't much stability with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were the issues, op? Red shirt vs blue shirt or more like nanny says, "we pick up our toys"? HUGE difference.

The issues were everything it seemed like.

She had one way of doing things and wanted her opinions not only voiced but followed.

Day 1 she came in and told us to throw away our Dreft. We used it with our oldest, no issues. She said anything that fragranced is bad and recommended several other brand that were expensive.

She was super controlling over how we did sleep training. Adamant about not doing any form of CIO “too early” but had this insane routine we had to keep consistent with every night. It just didn’t work. It’s easy to make suggestions when you are not the one losing sleep! We have a 2-year-old and did the same things with her and it worked out. She’s a good sleeper! We didn’t want to make changes to how we did things, because what we do works.

Told us 2-year-old needed to be PT immediately. Told us how to do it. Basically wanted us to take up our whole weekend with this extreme method. Toddler wasn’t ready.

When our baby was ready for solids she was militant about what she should and shouldn’t eat. “No cereal! Flavor the food! Homemade! No, don’t give her that!”

It got old, and despite her being a great nanny I was getting very tired of her unwanted corrections.

This would annoy me, too. You’re the parent, you get to choose what your child eats and what detergent you use. Neither of these things would interfere with her ability to care for the child. She sounds like an arrogant control freak.

[Anonymous]

Did you interview with her in person before committing to employment? How many times? Why was none of this discussed? Or did the last nanny ditch you in a huff, and you were desperate?

[Anonymous]

She wasn't a great nanny OP. She was a nanny who fought you and thought it was her place to dictate. And you are not a rookie parent.

Don't overthink this - just hire smarter next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were the issues, op? Red shirt vs blue shirt or more like nanny says, "we pick up our toys"? HUGE difference.

The issues were everything it seemed like.

She had one way of doing things and wanted her opinions not only voiced but followed.

Day 1 she came in and told us to throw away our Dreft. We used it with our oldest, no issues. She said anything that fragranced is bad and recommended several other brand that were expensive.

She was super controlling over how we did sleep training. Adamant about not doing any form of CIO “too early” but had this insane routine we had to keep consistent with every night. It just didn’t work. It’s easy to make suggestions when you are not the one losing sleep! We have a 2-year-old and did the same things with her and it worked out. She’s a good sleeper! We didn’t want to make changes to how we did things, because what we do works.

Told us 2-year-old needed to be PT immediately. Told us how to do it. Basically wanted us to take up our whole weekend with this extreme method. Toddler wasn’t ready.

When our baby was ready for solids she was militant about what she should and shouldn’t eat. “No cereal! Flavor the food! Homemade! No, don’t give her that!”

It got old, and despite her being a great nanny I was getting very tired of her unwanted corrections.

Eh... the nanny was right, OP. Sorry. Dreft is awful and your 2 yr old should be potty trained. I don't know how old your baby is but CIO is abusive, IMO, before object permanence at around 8 months. I am not a fan of cereal either and homemade is easy and more nutritious - herbs and spices are good for a developing palate.

However I don't doubt that it was unpleasant for you and it sounds like she had no clue how to suggest better ways to you and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many nannies have you already had? Something tells me there isn't much stability with you.

+1 And I mean this with all kindness and understanding -- I think you might do better and be happier with daycare. I am an MB, btw.

[Anonymous]

There are multiple schools of thought on these things you mention and a nanny who is a good fit for you will accommodate them instead of ordering you around like a drill sergeant. I have a lovely nanny with 10+ years experience who is autonomous enough to make good decisions in our absence, has a lot of helpful suggestions (of which we take probably 80%), but defers to us or asks us on things that are parenting preferences. in exchange we give her free rein as long as our general philosophy and major safety/health related preferences are followed . You can definitely find such a nanny who will be a valued partner!

A nanny should understand that just as she would not like being micromanaged, parents don't want an "expert" to criticize and nitpick every parenting decision they make. That is what mothers in law are for and they are FREE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple schools of thought on these things you mention and a nanny who is a good fit for you will accommodate them instead of ordering you around like a drill sergeant. I have a lovely nanny with 10+ years experience who is autonomous enough to make good decisions in our absence, has a lot of helpful suggestions (of which we take probably 80%), but defers to us or asks us on things that are parenting preferences. in exchange we give her free rein as long as our general philosophy and major safety/health related preferences are followed . You can definitely find such a nanny who will be a valued partner!

A nanny should understand that just as she would not like being micromanaged, parents don't want an "expert" to criticize and nitpick every parenting decision they make. That is what mothers in law are for and they are FREE.

I agree 100% with all of the above -- and I actually think the nanny in question here was right in everything that she told you (dictated to you).