Conflicted and heartsick re our Nanny of 3 years

[Anonymous]

We have been fortunate enough to have the same kind nanny for nearly three years now. We hired her during the pandemic for our first child and we considered ourselves to be very fortunate to have found a lovely woman to take care of our baby while we work.

The relationship has always had some communication problems due to a moderate language issue, but it seemed workable. She loves the kids and we have done extra things beyond bonuses over the years like pay a lawyer to help wrap a divorce for her (with someone that walked out on her nine years ago). There have been things we wish were a bit better (ex. not great at engaging activities for toddler aged child), but with kids safe, that was the priority.

Over time, however, she has adopted a bit of a grandmother mentality. General guidelines that we had for our first child she has decided to ignore with our second. If we come home early or my parents stop by to see the kids, she'll abruptly stop and cover up the behavior she knows is unlikely to be preferred. There's also been a recent instances of outright lying to our face--albeit about small things, but still makes us uneasy. For example, when the kids are little we don't use pacifiers outside of the crib/sleeping to avoid a day-time habit and to promote speech. Our youngest is pretty happy/easy and to the extent our 8 month makes much noise, it's to babble and squeal--but the nanny is pretty frequently stopping him up throughout the day with a pacifier. We don't have cameras in the house, but we do have external cameras for security that are obvious and we see him most mornings with one in as they go for a walk. When asked open ended questions "Does he ever get a pacifier when he's not sleeping or in his crib." the answer is "No!" Even with efforts to provide far more "glow" than "grow" feedback, we feel increasingly unable to to make requests of her. Going back to the prior example, we don't feel like we can raise the pacifier issue without it causing significant friction, and even then, raising it seems unlikely to change the behavior.

My preference would be to have a sit down discussion, rehabilitate the things that need work, and continue on with the relationship. Due to the language issues, prior attempts at regular, non-confrontational feedback discussions appear to make things worse. I'm heartsick about making a change because I have the urge to be protective of her and her relationship with our kids. But as everyone is at this stage of life, we're drowning. Especially me. And there are a variety of things we aren't asking of her anymore because of this "grandmother" role. I think I know in my gut that it will be better for everyone to transition to someone with a skill set better for how our family looks now. I had been trying to let the dust settle after our newest addition, but if we are honest with ourselves, the issues presented preceded the birth of our second. Just grappling with the potential instability that a change creates and the guilt.

Problematic to tell her that I'm planning on stepping back to spend more time with the kids (even though that isn't truthful) in order to preserve the relationship so perhaps my daughter could still see her for date nights? We will go above and beyond for severance and she's been paid over the table, so no worries there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm saying this kindly as a former nanny of over a decade, current mom of two little kids who has a nanny, and nanny agency director.

I don't think this relationship is going to be what you want no matter how you spin it now. The fact of the matter is that assuming you are paying above the table, offering fair market rates and benefits then you just have to think about the fact that you are paying for the most expensive form of private childcare and should get what you want for your kids. That's not saying your nanny is necessarily bad, but just not what you intended to hire for. There's no doubt the nanny family relationship is intimate and personal, but it does need to remain professional. At the end of the day you are still the employee and they are the employee and in any workplace, there's standards and processes that are expected to be followed. Maybe in your next nanny relationship, you can still be kind and loving but also keep a bit more professional structure and build in periodic reviews and such. Also, an air tight work agreement is such an underutilized tool to laying out clear expectations and kicking the relationship off on the right foot. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

you are still the employer*

[Anonymous]

She sounds horrible I’d let her know asap you’re staying home with kids pay her out 2 weeks and take the weekend to interview have your new nanny doing a trail week next week.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate the viewpoint from the former nanny/current mom--thank you. We have a formal contract from the beginning that sets out specific guidelines. When we hired her, because she has been in the country for decades, she was pretty good at bridging gaps on the language side. However, over time it became clear how hard it is for her to understand certain things. So, the contract, although there, hasn't been very useful for setting a baseline. Which then makes me feel like we are penalizing her for language proficiency because she can't or won't deliver on certain repeated requests or feels stressed out during "review" type conversations (although she doesn't show it) because of nuances she doesn't grasp. My husband feels even more guilty than I do, but I think that's in part because he isn't on "front lines" as much and has a more permissive view of what is acceptable for childcare.

In fairness for giving a complete picture, she definitely takes initiative on certain tasks we don't ask of her (I have never asked her to iron any clothes, but if my stack of work clothes in the basement gets too high, she'll pitch in if there's a day the toddler is gone with my parents and the baby is napping) and we could pretty well guarantee she would stick with us until our youngest is in school--so the benefits of not hiring someone new who might quit and leave us in a sudden lurch. I grew up with a younger brother with special needs and parents who both worked, so I probably have a more visceral fear of someone suddenly departing because of the many situations my own mom found herself in during nearly two decades of having childcare at home to help with my brother.

But yes, I do feel we are paying for the most expensive form of childcare out there and would like to receive the benefit of that. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate the viewpoint from the former nanny/current mom--thank you. We have a formal contract from the beginning that sets out specific guidelines. When we hired her, because she has been in the country for decades, she was pretty good at bridging gaps on the language side. However, over time it became clear how hard it is for her to understand certain things. So, the contract, although there, hasn't been very useful for setting a baseline. Which then makes me feel like we are penalizing her for language proficiency because she can't or won't deliver on certain repeated requests or feels stressed out during "review" type conversations (although she doesn't show it) because of nuances she doesn't grasp. My husband feels even more guilty than I do, but I think that's in part because he isn't on "front lines" as much and has a more permissive view of what is acceptable for childcare.

In fairness for giving a complete picture, she definitely takes initiative on certain tasks we don't ask of her (I have never asked her to iron any clothes, but if my stack of work clothes in the basement gets too high, she'll pitch in if there's a day the toddler is gone with my parents and the baby is napping) and we could pretty well guarantee she would stick with us until our youngest is in school--so the benefits of not hiring someone new who might quit and leave us in a sudden lurch. I grew up with a younger brother with special needs and parents who both worked, so I probably have a more visceral fear of someone suddenly departing because of the many situations my own mom found herself in during nearly two decades of having childcare at home to help with my brother.

But yes, I do feel we are paying for the most expensive form of childcare out there and would like to receive the benefit of that. Sigh.

Pp here and I get it. When I complete references on nannies, when parents mention the nannies goes above and beyond on cleaning tasks they were not asked to do, that almost always comes at a trade off of the nanny not being as thorough with following the family's parenting practices or excelling at the childcare portion of the role. Again, it's not to say that the nanny is "bad" or not good at their job. It's often a situation where the family and nanny have different culture or backgrounds. In many countries, nannies are more of the "household help" for lack of a better term and do childcare, cooking, cleaning all wrapped into one. So often in these situations the nanny is simply reverting to what makes a "good nanny" in their culture- getting as much done in a day as possible or going above and beyond with cleaning tasks when from the parents' view they would much rather just have the nanny throw themselves full force into working on development, milestones, engaging, planning age appropriate outings and activities, etc. It's kind of a lid for even pot scenario and that's ok if she's not the lid for your pot. Another family out there may not have many rules surrounding the care of the children and really value the extra household help and think she's absolutely wonderful. That's also ok too.

There are also seasons in every family's life. The transition from one to two kids is often a time when parents will make a nanny switch. Maybe their nanny was fantastic with one baby, but the infant/toddler dynamic is too much for them. Same thing with when a child hits preschool age. Maybe the nanny loves infants and toddlers, but isn't so good at holding boundaries that start getting pushed. It happens often.

[Anonymous]

OP,
This next time get a college-educated nanny, even if it is only a 2-year degree.

A nanny is a nanny is a nanny, not a babysitter or housekeeper.

Our nanny has a 2-year/ AA /community college degree in early childhood education; does first aid training and CPR re-cert every 6 months, etc. I do not wish for her to iron my clothes. She is helping to raise my children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been fortunate enough to have the same kind nanny for nearly three years now. We hired her during the pandemic for our first child and we considered ourselves to be very fortunate to have found a lovely woman to take care of our baby while we work.

The relationship has always had some communication problems due to a moderate language issue, but it seemed workable. She loves the kids and we have done extra things beyond bonuses over the years like pay a lawyer to help wrap a divorce for her (with someone that walked out on her nine years ago). There have been things we wish were a bit better (ex. not great at engaging activities for toddler aged child), but with kids safe, that was the priority.

Over time, however, she has adopted a bit of a grandmother mentality. General guidelines that we had for our first child she has decided to ignore with our second. If we come home early or my parents stop by to see the kids, she'll abruptly stop and cover up the behavior she knows is unlikely to be preferred. There's also been a recent instances of outright lying to our face--albeit about small things, but still makes us uneasy. For example, when the kids are little we don't use pacifiers outside of the crib/sleeping to avoid a day-time habit and to promote speech. Our youngest is pretty happy/easy and to the extent our 8 month makes much noise, it's to babble and squeal--but the nanny is pretty frequently stopping him up throughout the day with a pacifier. We don't have cameras in the house, but we do have external cameras for security that are obvious and we see him most mornings with one in as they go for a walk. When asked open ended questions "Does he ever get a pacifier when he's not sleeping or in his crib." the answer is "No!" Even with efforts to provide far more "glow" than "grow" feedback, we feel increasingly unable to to make requests of her. Going back to the prior example, we don't feel like we can raise the pacifier issue without it causing significant friction, and even then, raising it seems unlikely to change the behavior.

My preference would be to have a sit down discussion, rehabilitate the things that need work, and continue on with the relationship. Due to the language issues, prior attempts at regular, non-confrontational feedback discussions appear to make things worse. I'm heartsick about making a change because I have the urge to be protective of her and her relationship with our kids. But as everyone is at this stage of life, we're drowning. Especially me. And there are a variety of things we aren't asking of her anymore because of this "grandmother" role. I think I know in my gut that it will be better for everyone to transition to someone with a skill set better for how our family looks now. I had been trying to let the dust settle after our newest addition, but if we are honest with ourselves, the issues presented preceded the birth of our second. Just grappling with the potential instability that a change creates and the guilt.

Problematic to tell her that I'm planning on stepping back to spend more time with the kids (even though that isn't truthful) in order to preserve the relationship so perhaps my daughter could still see her for date nights? We will go above and beyond for severance and she's been paid over the table, so no worries there.

Dear lord, just cut the cord and end it!

[Anonymous]

I'd hire someone else and fire her. If you don't follow what I want for my children, I will correct you once, and then fire you. This is not a contract to be a family member. It's a contract for her to care for your children the way you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd hire someone else and fire her. If you don't follow what I want for my children, I will correct you once, and then fire you. This is not a contract to be a family member. It's a contract for her to care for your children the way you want.

This. 100%. But also am I in the minority here thinking that OP's attachment to someone that has been in their home/watching their kids is not unreasonable or weak?

[Anonymous]

"Do unto others as you would want done unto you."

I think telling her anything outside of the truth is doing her and yourself a disservice. Be integral in how you handle her. She is still a person with feelings.

Have a conversation with her letting her know that you will be transitioning the care for your children. Let her know that although you love her, her work ethic was great when it was just one child, but now that the dynamics have changed you are noticing many areas that are not with your family values. Give her at least 2 weeks notice so that she may begin to adjust to looking for something that better fits her current skill level, and grant her 4 weeks severance pay as a thank you for the season she has worked for your family.

Reassure her that you still consider her as part of the family and if she is comfortable, you would love to offer her first dibs on date night sitting.


Trust me, I have been in this industry for over 30 years. The only thing that worked for me and my employers was true honesty. The same way you are explaining this to us, do the same for her. Consider getting an interpreter to communicate effectively your heart.

I wish you well as you go through this sensitive portion of decision making.

ac