Reply to Conflicted and heartsick re our Nanny of 3 years

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[quote=Anonymous]We have been fortunate enough to have the same kind nanny for nearly three years now.  We hired her during the pandemic for our first child and we considered ourselves to be very fortunate to have found a lovely woman to take care of our baby while we work.

The relationship has always had some communication problems due to a moderate language issue, but it seemed workable.  She loves the kids and we have done extra things beyond bonuses over the years like pay a lawyer to help wrap a divorce for her (with someone that walked out on her nine years ago).  There have been things we wish were a bit better (ex. not great at engaging activities for toddler aged child), but with kids safe, that was the priority.

Over time, however, she has adopted a bit of a grandmother mentality.  General guidelines that we had for our first child she has decided to ignore with our second. If we come home early or my parents stop by to see the kids, she'll abruptly stop and cover up the behavior she knows is unlikely to be preferred.  There's also been a recent instances of outright lying to our face--albeit about small things, but still makes us uneasy.  For example, when the kids are little we don't use pacifiers outside of the crib/sleeping to avoid a day-time habit and to promote speech.  Our youngest is pretty happy/easy and to the extent our 8 month makes much noise, it's to babble and squeal--but the nanny is pretty frequently stopping him up throughout the day with a pacifier.  We don't have cameras in the house, but we do have external cameras for security that are obvious and we see him most mornings with one in as they go for a walk.  When asked open ended questions "Does he ever get a pacifier when he's not sleeping or in his crib." the answer is "No!"  Even with efforts to provide far more "glow" than "grow" feedback, we feel increasingly unable to to make requests of her.  Going back to the prior example, we don't feel like we can raise the pacifier issue without it causing significant friction, and even then, raising it seems unlikely to change the behavior.

My preference would be to have a sit down discussion, rehabilitate the things that need work, and continue on with the relationship.  Due to the language issues, prior attempts at regular, non-confrontational feedback discussions appear to make things worse.  I'm heartsick about making a change because I have the urge to be protective of her and her relationship with our kids.  But as everyone is at this stage of life, we're drowning.  Especially me.   And there are a variety of things we aren't asking of her anymore because of this "grandmother" role.  I think I know in my gut that it will be better for everyone to transition to someone with a skill set better for how our family looks now.  I had been trying to let the dust settle after our newest addition, but if we are honest with ourselves, the issues presented preceded the birth of our second.  Just grappling with the potential instability that a change creates and the guilt.

Problematic to tell her that I'm planning on stepping back to spend more time with the kids (even though that isn't truthful) in order to preserve the relationship so perhaps my daughter could still see her for date nights? We will go above and beyond for severance and she's been paid over the table, so no worries there. [/quote]

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