Anyone Love their AP for a While but then AP Became Weird and Lame - is that a thing?

[Anonymous]

We just completed a year with our first AP. The first six months I loved her so much. She was so cool, and into the coolest interests (that happened to be stuff we're into and partially why she chose us), and helpful and just generally positive attitude, and way helpful. Not really like help with the kids in her off hours helpful, but helpful lol. She was all anti-consumeristic and crunchy and reminded me of like offgridders almost.

In the second six months holy hell there was SUCH a personality change. She decided not to continue because, she said, she wanted to see another part of the country, which I believe. She quickly became detached, disinterested, aloof, and super fixated on money. I found out she even told the woman who was coming in to take her place that the latter could make more money elsewhere. She was mentioning to me, to the now-nanny, repeatedly how APs who work privately make $30 an hour. (Not here, I can assure you, can't speak to the DC market but it sounds implausible given it'd be illegal labor.) She became entitled, never said thank you for anything at all, not even when she was leaving. I have heard about these kind of APs, and for those first 6 or 8 months I was like holy hell who are these a-holes. But then I kind of suddenly had one.

It was so freaking weird, like a total personality shift. She wasn't even interested in all the things she was before and when she came here - like the nature stuff and the crunchy stuff. She started staying out late and later with her AP friends, when she used to be an early to rise type, and said she wanted to live in an area with even more APs. All of us noticed the change - my husband, me, the now-nanny. At one point we heard our son tell her, "You've changed! You used to be one way and now you're different!" Kids, man.

Is this a thing? I remember ONE comment on ONE thread a while back something to the effect of "wait until the local APs get a hold of your sweet and kind AP and she'll change." I thought that was a weird thing to say, but now I wonder.

Also, I'm thinking maybe a year is too long. Anyone purposefully look for rematches or renewals to keep the terms shorter? Is that a thing?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's a thing, though your ap seems a more extreme example of it with her 180 change. I've learned to stay away from Brazilian APs, as they tend to have a strong network and drive up each other's expectations. Our one Brazilian AP read us the riot act when we left some plates in the sink and did not immediately put them in the dishwasher. She said she's not washing our dishes--lady, we didn't expect you to. One'd think that in our own house we can leave a few dishes soaking in the sink without incurring the AP's wrath. She clearly learned that from other APs and tried to draw a (unnecessary) line with us.

[Anonymous]

They meet other au pairs and they convince each other that we are all horrible people and that we have a secret stash of money that we deliberately do not give them.

Our lovely, lovely AP changed like this on us and it was such whiplash. She's gone now, but I don't even like talking to her anymore. She likes to say hi to the kids, fine. But I am no longer in the picture--we used to be quite close

[Anonymous]

We had a similar experience albeit not as extreme. She was very sweet when she first came here. As she spent more time in the US, she became very label focused. I felt bad for her. It seemed like the American materialism machine really did her in.

It also seemed like she became more resentful of having to watch kids. In the end I’m not sure she even liked kids! I think this was a function of being around other Au pairs and young people and just developing an attitude about it. It was sad for sure! But also maybe young people have to go through these phases to figure out who they are, what they want to do with their lives, etc.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is a depressing thread.

[Anonymous]

You have a nanny and au pair? Do you spend any time with your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a nanny and au pair? Do you spend any time with your child?

OP here - I work from home and had a newborn so the au pair (and now nanny) helped only with the siblings. There was overlap with her and the nanny so that it would be a smooth transition for everyone especially the kids. The nanny was part time during the overlap and took over full time when AP left. I don't actually spend any time without my children, although that'd be a nice change!

But, more to the point, you really shouldn't be participating in a group discussion if you can't contribute productively without needlessly projecting your own biases and fears onto other people in the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is a depressing thread.

OP here - Yeah, I actually kind of wondered at the end if being in the US had DONE this to her, and I wondered about the ethics of it all because we'd taken a sweet person away from her home environment and put her in one that, really, made her worse of a person than when she'd started. I was surprised to feel like this because I'd started the program thinking hey this is a nice thing to do (not discounting obvious benefit to us), but to give someone a chance to travel, etc., but in the end I wasn't so sure it was a right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a similar experience albeit not as extreme. She was very sweet when she first came here. As she spent more time in the US, she became very label focused. I felt bad for her. It seemed like the American materialism machine really did her in.

It also seemed like she became more resentful of having to watch kids. In the end I’m not sure she even liked kids! I think this was a function of being around other Au pairs and young people and just developing an attitude about it. It was sad for sure! But also maybe young people have to go through these phases to figure out who they are, what they want to do with their lives, etc.

OP - yes, same here in re resentfulness. She did tell me about mid-way through that she didn't want children because "they are too much work." They ARE too much work lol, she ain't wrong. I came to think the childcare was a concession to getting out of her home country during Covid (not that everyone who works in childcare has to do it out of magnanimity, but still), and that maybe even she didn't know beforehand she wouldn't actually LIKE to spend so much time with kids. But, yes, I sensed mounting resentfulness later in her term. Maybe that's true what the other poster said, it seems so ludicrous about the rumors of secret piles of money, but who knows.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - yes, I think in my AP’s case, more than an actual interest in child care, she was interested in getting out of her country and coming to the US. She told us on many occasions that the agency sold the program as “minimal” childcare and that the focus on the program would be getting to see the US on the host family’s dime. Yikes.

Anyway, I was at least glad that by the end of her term, she had learned that she really didn’t want to have a career in childcare and that she needed to look for different career opportunities. So a silver lining to her time in the program.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we had this happen with our brazilian au pair. Things were great until she thought someone else had it better.
It was a downward spiral then. There is literally nothing less than a life worthy of all the 'likes' on IG and our family wasn't enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a nanny and au pair? Do you spend any time with your child?

OP here - I work from home and had a newborn so the au pair (and now nanny) helped only with the siblings. There was overlap with her and the nanny so that it would be a smooth transition for everyone especially the kids. The nanny was part time during the overlap and took over full time when AP left. I don't actually spend any time without my children, although that'd be a nice change!

But, more to the point, you really shouldn't be participating in a group discussion if you can't contribute productively without needlessly projecting your own biases and fears onto other people in the conversation.

Actually you spend a lot of time without your kids and that is a lot of child care. You sound very critical for someone paying for so much help. You should have increased the Au Pairs salary given you were probably paying the nanny much more for the same job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a nanny and au pair? Do you spend any time with your child?

OP here - I work from home and had a newborn so the au pair (and now nanny) helped only with the siblings. There was overlap with her and the nanny so that it would be a smooth transition for everyone especially the kids. The nanny was part time during the overlap and took over full time when AP left. I don't actually spend any time without my children, although that'd be a nice change!

But, more to the point, you really shouldn't be participating in a group discussion if you can't contribute productively without needlessly projecting your own biases and fears onto other people in the conversation.

Actually you spend a lot of time without your kids and that is a lot of child care. You sound very critical for someone paying for so much help. You should have increased the Au Pairs salary given you were probably paying the nanny much more for the same job.

There's a huge difference between what an AP does and what a halfway decent nanny does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a nanny and au pair? Do you spend any time with your child?

OP here - I work from home and had a newborn so the au pair (and now nanny) helped only with the siblings. There was overlap with her and the nanny so that it would be a smooth transition for everyone especially the kids. The nanny was part time during the overlap and took over full time when AP left. I don't actually spend any time without my children, although that'd be a nice change!

But, more to the point, you really shouldn't be participating in a group discussion if you can't contribute productively without needlessly projecting your own biases and fears onto other people in the conversation.

Actually you spend a lot of time without your kids and that is a lot of child care. You sound very critical for someone paying for so much help. You should have increased the Au Pairs salary given you were probably paying the nanny much more for the same job.

There's a huge difference between what an AP does and what a halfway decent nanny does.

No, there isn't.

[Anonymous]

A few observations:

- I find the au pairs to be impressionable. I see them often evolve and change during their year or two. I think a lot of it is because they are young and still figuring out who they are. Add in being in a new culture and how that changes them.

- Post covid our two au pairs have followed the pattern described here (they talk to each other and get these crazy expectations). Our current au pair is not that great at all and yet wants every possible perk the program can offer (freedom, independence, credit card for usage, own bathroom, own car, gas money, easy schedule (all of which we offer) plus extra perks and extra money, but yet also wants us to be inclusive and patience and 'like a family'--oh and also wants second year in California in an urban area). I find the expectations to be bizarre --and NOT realistic at all-- but I think a large part was being influenced by the other au pairs.