Nanny seems to think our money grows on trees

[Anonymous]

We aren't rich. We can afford a nanny because we make sacrifices elsewhere and have carefully budgeted for the next few years (the length of time we will need the nanny). We have money in savings for emergencies and we are fine financially but try not to spend unnecessarily. We try to be generous with our nanny because she goes above and beyond for us and she deserves it. We gave her a generous bonus for the holidays as well as some small presents. Once, last year, we gave her a couple of hundred dollars for a procedure we knew she really needed urgently but couldn't afford. She needed the money more than we did and we were happy to help her for something so important but we don't have unlimited resources. I don't think our finances are our nanny's business but it's starting to bother me that she seems to think we do have unlimited funds. She recently tried to get my DD to ask us to buy her a plane ticket out of the country to visit her family. She will also make comments like I should just buy the children an extra x, y or z. DS lost his jacket at school the other day. We found it the next day but she commented that I should just buy him another one so he has a backup in case he loses it again. Um, no, he needs to just not lose his jacket. When my DD had a small hole in her pants the nanny told me to just buy her a new pair. It took me 5 minutes to just sew the hole instead.

I think this bothers me for 2 reasons. 1. I feel like her expectations for our generosity have gone us (ie buying her plane ticket) and 2. I want to instill in my children certain values that her attitude is kind of negating. They are young now but we are starting to try to teach them that things cost money. Mommy and Daddy work to make money to be able to provide them with things like food and shelter and I want them to have an appreciation for things like that and not just that we can spend money on whatever we want. I'm not sure I'm explaining myself eloquently but even if we were rich, I wouldn't want to children growing up spoiled thinking they don't need to take care of their possessions because they can always just buy another one or all they have to do is just ask for something and we'll buy it.

So I'm not sure what my question is but I just need advice on how to handle this sticky situation. I don't want to make our nanny uncomfortable at all but I also don't want to continually have to say "no I'm not going to buy DS another jacket when he has a perfectly good one." Nor do I want to have to explain to my DD why we can't buy our nanny a plane ticket just because she wants one.

[Anonymous]

What's really going on, OP? You're dancing around lots of issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's really going on, OP? You're dancing around lots of issues.

Sounds like:

1) OP is rich.
2) OP doesn't feel rich.
3) Nanny knows OP is rich.
4) That pisses off OP, who is trying to act as poor as she grew up by stitching holes in pants and not buying second jackets, like that somehow cleanses her of being rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's really going on, OP? You're dancing around lots of issues.

Sounds like:

1) OP is rich.
2) OP doesn't feel rich.
3) Nanny knows OP is rich.
4) That pisses off OP, who is trying to act as poor as she grew up by stitching holes in pants and not buying second jackets, like that somehow cleanses her of being rich.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

[Anonymous]

We are probably in a similar situation financially, though luckily our nannies (3 over 8 years so far) have always recognized that we were not rich and instead are just prioritizing childcare over pretty much everything else at this point. I don't discuss our finances with our nanny but I'm also pretty sure that our spending habits make it clear that we don't have money to burn.

To me a bigger problem than my nanny thinking I was rich would be having a nanny who thinks it's ok to try to get DD to ask me to buy her a plane ticket. I wouldn't worry about not making her uncomfortable, I would absolutely call her out on it and make it clear that it is completely unacceptable. I'd probably also use that as a starting point to lay out much of what you put in your post because none of it is unreasonable. Finances aside, your nanny should be supporting you in teaching your kids to take care of their things. If she's not doing that at all, then that would be another red flag to me.

There are nannies out there who understand the value of money and would be happy to pass that knowledge along to their charges. They may not be the ones who come on DCUM to tell MBs how horrible we are, but they do exist.

[Anonymous]

Of the things you mention, I'd say the only real problem is your nanny trying to use your DD to manipulate you. I think that would have warranted a very straightforward conversation about that being completely unacceptable.

The other things, I think you have to try to understand that most folks with nannies do in fact have money to burn, and would see no problem with having a backup of every little thing. I also know plenty of moms who would recoil in disgust at the idea of sending their kid into the world wearing patched jeans.

If it really bothers you, next time just let her know that you'd prefer if she left purchasing decisions up to you and that her desire to help is appreciated but her input unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

OP, in comparison to your nanny is YOU ARE RICH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

I can only afford a nanny, which is incredibly expensive, because I am, in fact, rich. So your own views of your financial state seem suspect to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

I can only afford a nanny, which is incredibly expensive, because I am, in fact, rich. So your own views of your financial state seem suspect to me.

There is rich, as in rich enough to afford a nanny, and then there is rich enough to not have to budget.

There are fewer people in the second category.

OP, I had a housekeeper for a while who seemed to think that because I was her boss, I was also her "patron," and so it was entirely appropriate, in her view, for her to expect me to find money to help her visit family and support poor relatives. That experience changed how I approached hiring domestic employees in the future. I started paying for health insurance, for example, so that my nanny wouldn't come to me to say she couldn't afford a procedure, for example.

I have to admit it made me leery of hiring people who talked about their personal lives at all in the interview. I have tried to keep things very professional, and only hire nannies who want that relationship, too.

I also ended up switching to a cleaning service away from the housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Look, all you poster saying "OP is rich" are missing the point. Who cares if she is rich? Bigger issue is she is being taken advantage of! Nannies need to be more professional. If you work in another profession, your pay is your pay = no one at my job is buying me a plane ticket!

We had the same issue in the past and I just parted ways. Once you feel taken advantage of, there is no turning back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

Lemme guess - your nanny is from Mexico or some third world country? If so, EVERYONE in America who lives in a house that has electricity and indoor plumbing is rich. You think you're not rich because you're not Kanye. You're Kanye to your nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, all you poster saying "OP is rich" are missing the point. Who cares if she is rich? Bigger issue is she is being taken advantage of! Nannies need to be more professional. If you work in another profession, your pay is your pay = no one at my job is buying me a plane ticket!

We had the same issue in the past and I just parted ways. Once you feel taken advantage of, there is no turning back.

You can only be taken advantage of if you allow it. Saying no is a powerful thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, all you poster saying "OP is rich" are missing the point. Who cares if she is rich? Bigger issue is she is being taken advantage of! Nannies need to be more professional. If you work in another profession, your pay is your pay = no one at my job is buying me a plane ticket!

We had the same issue in the past and I just parted ways. Once you feel taken advantage of, there is no turning back.

I called out OP but agree with this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

I can only afford a nanny, which is incredibly expensive, because I am, in fact, rich. So your own views of your financial state seem suspect to me.

There is rich, as in rich enough to afford a nanny, and then there is rich enough to not have to budget.

There are fewer people in the second category.

OP, I had a housekeeper for a while who seemed to think that because I was her boss, I was also her "patron," and so it was entirely appropriate, in her view, for her to expect me to find money to help her visit family and support poor relatives. That experience changed how I approached hiring domestic employees in the future. I started paying for health insurance, for example, so that my nanny wouldn't come to me to say she couldn't afford a procedure, for example.

I have to admit it made me leery of hiring people who talked about their personal lives at all in the interview. I have tried to keep things very professional, and only hire nannies who want that relationship, too.

I also ended up switching to a cleaning service away from the housekeeper.

OP here and I totally agree with this. We are "rich enough to afford a nanny" but that doesn't mean we are "rich enough" to afford anything we want. Moreover, the only reason we are "rich enough to afford a nanny" is because we are very careful about what we do with our money and we've made childcare a priority for the time being.