Nanny seems to think our money grows on trees

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

I can only afford a nanny, which is incredibly expensive, because I am, in fact, rich. So your own views of your financial state seem suspect to me.

I guess it depends on what your definition of rich is. To me, rich means able to afford anything you want and not ever worrying about money. Maybe you really are that rich or maybe your definition of rich is different than mine. We can afford a nanny because we have made sacrifices elsewhere to make child care a priority for the time being. We can't afford to replace my husband's car that has been on it's last leg for quite some time. We can't afford vacations, we can't afford to buy every item of new clothes we would like. We can afford to pay our mortgage, our current car payment and items of clothing someone really needs. We have savings in case of emergency but we aren't going to use that to buy something that isn't an emergency. So if that meets your definition of rich then I guess your definition is different than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are probably in a similar situation financially, though luckily our nannies (3 over 8 years so far) have always recognized that we were not rich and instead are just prioritizing childcare over pretty much everything else at this point. I don't discuss our finances with our nanny but I'm also pretty sure that our spending habits make it clear that we don't have money to burn.

To me a bigger problem than my nanny thinking I was rich would be having a nanny who thinks it's ok to try to get DD to ask me to buy her a plane ticket. I wouldn't worry about not making her uncomfortable, I would absolutely call her out on it and make it clear that it is completely unacceptable. I'd probably also use that as a starting point to lay out much of what you put in your post because none of it is unreasonable. Finances aside, your nanny should be supporting you in teaching your kids to take care of their things. If she's not doing that at all, then that would be another red flag to me.

There are nannies out there who understand the value of money and would be happy to pass that knowledge along to their charges. They may not be the ones who come on DCUM to tell MBs how horrible we are, but they do exist.

OP here. Thanks for your comments. Aside from this issue we LOVE our nanny but this has been bugging me for some time. She had DD say something to me in front of her and it was so awkward because I was caught completely off guard. I just said something like "if we had the money I'd be happy to pay for her ticket but unfortunately we don't."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your comments. Aside from this issue we LOVE our nanny but this has been bugging me for some time. She had DD say something to me in front of her and it was so awkward because I was caught completely off guard. I just said something like "if we had the money I'd be happy to pay for her ticket but unfortunately we don't."

PP here - fwiw, I could also see one of my kids just popping out with a comment about how we should buy our nanny a plane ticket without any prompting from the nanny. Is there any chance that was the case? My 4 year old especially has absolutely no concept of money and gets excited over a handful of pennies thinking she can now buy every toy she ever wanted. She wants to give gifts to everyone, though thankfully it's usually a handmade card or drawing or a flower from our yard.

[Anonymous]

The nanny comes from a different culture, right, OP? This is part of your "cultural" exchange experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your comments. Aside from this issue we LOVE our nanny but this has been bugging me for some time. She had DD say something to me in front of her and it was so awkward because I was caught completely off guard. I just said something like "if we had the money I'd be happy to pay for her ticket but unfortunately we don't."

PP here - fwiw, I could also see one of my kids just popping out with a comment about how we should buy our nanny a plane ticket without any prompting from the nanny. Is there any chance that was the case? My 4 year old especially has absolutely no concept of money and gets excited over a handful of pennies thinking she can now buy every toy she ever wanted. She wants to give gifts to everyone, though thankfully it's usually a handmade card or drawing or a flower from our yard.

OP here, I could see my kids doing that too but in this case I was standing right there when she prompted DD to tell me. She said "remember you were going to ask Mommy to buy me a plane ticket to go home."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

I can only afford a nanny, which is incredibly expensive, because I am, in fact, rich. So your own views of your financial state seem suspect to me.

I guess it depends on what your definition of rich is. To me, rich means able to afford anything you want and not ever worrying about money. Maybe you really are that rich or maybe your definition of rich is different than mine. We can afford a nanny because we have made sacrifices elsewhere to make child care a priority for the time being. We can't afford to replace my husband's car that has been on it's last leg for quite some time. We can't afford vacations, we can't afford to buy every item of new clothes we would like. We can afford to pay our mortgage, our current car payment and items of clothing someone really needs. We have savings in case of emergency but we aren't going to use that to buy something that isn't an emergency. So if that meets your definition of rich then I guess your definition is different than mine.

My definition of rich is HHI of $350k+ in the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your comments. Aside from this issue we LOVE our nanny but this has been bugging me for some time. She had DD say something to me in front of her and it was so awkward because I was caught completely off guard. I just said something like "if we had the money I'd be happy to pay for her ticket but unfortunately we don't."

PP here - fwiw, I could also see one of my kids just popping out with a comment about how we should buy our nanny a plane ticket without any prompting from the nanny. Is there any chance that was the case? My 4 year old especially has absolutely no concept of money and gets excited over a handful of pennies thinking she can now buy every toy she ever wanted. She wants to give gifts to everyone, though thankfully it's usually a handmade card or drawing or a flower from our yard.

OP here, I could see my kids doing that too but in this case I was standing right there when she prompted DD to tell me. She said "remember you were going to ask Mommy to buy me a plane ticket to go home."

That's pretty weird. Is something wrong at home?

My in laws are from a different culture and they address hard topics in weird ways like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nope, not rich but now I know why our nanny thinks we are. Thanks for clearing that up.

I can only afford a nanny, which is incredibly expensive, because I am, in fact, rich. So your own views of your financial state seem suspect to me.

I guess it depends on what your definition of rich is. To me, rich means able to afford anything you want and not ever worrying about money. Maybe you really are that rich or maybe your definition of rich is different than mine. We can afford a nanny because we have made sacrifices elsewhere to make child care a priority for the time being. We can't afford to replace my husband's car that has been on it's last leg for quite some time. We can't afford vacations, we can't afford to buy every item of new clothes we would like. We can afford to pay our mortgage, our current car payment and items of clothing someone really needs. We have savings in case of emergency but we aren't going to use that to buy something that isn't an emergency. So if that meets your definition of rich then I guess your definition is different than mine.

My definition of rich is HHI of $350k+ in the DMV.

OP here, I would agree with this but then we don't meet your definition of rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your comments. Aside from this issue we LOVE our nanny but this has been bugging me for some time. She had DD say something to me in front of her and it was so awkward because I was caught completely off guard. I just said something like "if we had the money I'd be happy to pay for her ticket but unfortunately we don't."

PP here - fwiw, I could also see one of my kids just popping out with a comment about how we should buy our nanny a plane ticket without any prompting from the nanny. Is there any chance that was the case? My 4 year old especially has absolutely no concept of money and gets excited over a handful of pennies thinking she can now buy every toy she ever wanted. She wants to give gifts to everyone, though thankfully it's usually a handmade card or drawing or a flower from our yard.

OP here, I could see my kids doing that too but in this case I was standing right there when she prompted DD to tell me. She said "remember you were going to ask Mommy to buy me a plane ticket to go home."

That's pretty weird. Is something wrong at home?

My in laws are from a different culture and they address hard topics in weird ways like this.

As far as I know nothing is wrong and I do think she'd tell me if it was. We have a "part of the family" kind of relationship and she has told me when she's had things happen with her family. I'm honestly not sure if she was joking or serious but I take money seriously and didn't really appreciate the joke. That combined with the other comments makes me think she thinks we have more than we do. I forgot to mention earlier that she makes me really uncomfortable when she talks about money. She tells me every time she has to pay for something for her car or health and I honestly don't know if she's just saying it because she just wants to tell me when she's worried about it (which I don't mind) or because she's hoping I'll give her the money to pay for it (which I honestly would if I could but I can't).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your comments. Aside from this issue we LOVE our nanny but this has been bugging me for some time. She had DD say something to me in front of her and it was so awkward because I was caught completely off guard. I just said something like "if we had the money I'd be happy to pay for her ticket but unfortunately we don't."

PP here - fwiw, I could also see one of my kids just popping out with a comment about how we should buy our nanny a plane ticket without any prompting from the nanny. Is there any chance that was the case? My 4 year old especially has absolutely no concept of money and gets excited over a handful of pennies thinking she can now buy every toy she ever wanted. She wants to give gifts to everyone, though thankfully it's usually a handmade card or drawing or a flower from our yard.

OP here, I could see my kids doing that too but in this case I was standing right there when she prompted DD to tell me. She said "remember you were going to ask Mommy to buy me a plane ticket to go home."

That's pretty weird. Is something wrong at home?

My in laws are from a different culture and they address hard topics in weird ways like this.

The bolded is a problem. And it's weird. You should discuss this with her. The rest is not. Nanny: you should buy a back up coat. OP: No, I don't think we need one. Nanny: You should buy new jeans because of the hole. OP: Nah, I can just patch this one. These are just conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Thanks for your comments. Aside from this issue we LOVE our nanny but this has been bugging me for some time. She had DD say something to me in front of her and it was so awkward because I was caught completely off guard. I just said something like "if we had the money I'd be happy to pay for her ticket but unfortunately we don't."

PP here - fwiw, I could also see one of my kids just popping out with a comment about how we should buy our nanny a plane ticket without any prompting from the nanny. Is there any chance that was the case? My 4 year old especially has absolutely no concept of money and gets excited over a handful of pennies thinking she can now buy every toy she ever wanted. She wants to give gifts to everyone, though thankfully it's usually a handmade card or drawing or a flower from our yard.

OP here, I could see my kids doing that too but in this case I was standing right there when she prompted DD to tell me. She said "remember you were going to ask Mommy to buy me a plane ticket to go home."

That's pretty weird. Is something wrong at home?

My in laws are from a different culture and they address hard topics in weird ways like this.

As far as I know nothing is wrong and I do think she'd tell me if it was. We have a "part of the family" kind of relationship and she has told me when she's had things happen with her family. I'm honestly not sure if she was joking or serious but I take money seriously and didn't really appreciate the joke. That combined with the other comments makes me think she thinks we have more than we do. I forgot to mention earlier that she makes me really uncomfortable when she talks about money. She tells me every time she has to pay for something for her car or health and I honestly don't know if she's just saying it because she just wants to tell me when she's worried about it (which I don't mind) or because she's hoping I'll give her the money to pay for it (which I honestly would if I could but I can't).

Yeah. I've had friends/employees like that before, who just felt comfortable putting themselves in a position of having their expenses paid for by others. Had a secretary until pretty recently who did it all the time. I don't know if it's like, a moral failing or anything, but I definitely don't like it.

My personal response has been to overshare in the other direction (ugh DH's car needs new tires, hope he can skate for a couple months while we save up!) but I get how not everyone would be comfortable with that solution.

[Anonymous]

At this point I think it would be appropriate to have a fairly direct conversation with her OP.

"Judy, I'd like to talk with you for a minute so I put a video on for the kids. I need to clear the air and make sure we are on the same page. I am feeling uncomfortable with the references to money, financial needs, purchases, etc... for items you need or want - such as the plane ticket you asked Richie to ask me for, or the purchases you feel I should make for the kids - such as the new coat or pants. I hope that you feel you are fairly compensated. If you do not, I would prefer that we talk about that directly. I want you to know that you represent the way we prioritize our usage of money. We want to pay you fairly within the marketplace, and on a couple of occasions we have been pleased to be able to help you a bit in the past (such as when...) However, we work very hard to afford the luxury of having your excellent care for our children. We are frugal with our money in all we do in order to afford this lifestyle, and we want that same sense of frugality instilled in our kids. Therefore, I will repair things that can be mended, or teach my children to keep track of their things and I hope you will support me in that. And if you have concerns about your compensation level you should bring those directly to me and John. I do not want you using the children as messengers. If any of this is a problem for you let's talk about it now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point I think it would be appropriate to have a fairly direct conversation with her OP.

"Judy, I'd like to talk with you for a minute so I put a video on for the kids. I need to clear the air and make sure we are on the same page. I am feeling uncomfortable with the references to money, financial needs, purchases, etc... for items you need or want - such as the plane ticket you asked Richie to ask me for, or the purchases you feel I should make for the kids - such as the new coat or pants. I hope that you feel you are fairly compensated. If you do not, I would prefer that we talk about that directly. I want you to know that you represent the way we prioritize our usage of money. We want to pay you fairly within the marketplace, and on a couple of occasions we have been pleased to be able to help you a bit in the past (such as when...) However, we work very hard to afford the luxury of having your excellent care for our children. We are frugal with our money in all we do in order to afford this lifestyle, and we want that same sense of frugality instilled in our kids. Therefore, I will repair things that can be mended, or teach my children to keep track of their things and I hope you will support me in that. And if you have concerns about your compensation level you should bring those directly to me and John. I do not want you using the children as messengers. If any of this is a problem for you let's talk about it now."

OP here, this is perfect. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

What's her weekly pay? In all honesty she may not be able to afford a plane ticket

[Anonymous]

i think the plane ticket sounds like a joke...like the kidwas annoyed with her for some reason and told her to go home and she said i can't, it's too far and kid said i'll have mom buy you a ticket. to me, this is what it sounds like, but then maybe i'm the only one with a sassy 3 yr old who wants me to leave when i say no you may not watch tv all day.