Au Pair dating life

[Anonymous]

My 3 Brazilian APs did not get married in the US. In fact, 2 of them are back home and neither are married. Current one in my home still single like me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This person sleeps two doors away from my bedroom and in the bedroom next to my child. She eats dinner with my family at least 5 nights a week. She shares holidays and birthdays with my family. We pay for her cell phone, classes and provide her with a car. All this and you're telling me I should know "NOTHING" about her private life? My Au Pair in not my employee, and isn't treated as such. If I wanted an employee, I would have hired a nanny that goes back to their own home every day.

It doesn't mean you should know NOTHING about her, but that you are not ENTITLED to know anything about her private life, let alone who she sleeps with, as long as she doesn't bring them home and impose them on your family/children.

You are free to ask her questions, she should remain free not to want to answer those questions.

Do you feel your AP is entitled to know everything about your private life because she lives with you, eat food with your children, share birthdays with you and drive your car? Is your boss entitled to know who you sleep with or what you do on your free time, because he pays you therefore paying your mortgage, your AP, the food for your children etc... or you admit that paying for things doesn't take away from the privacy people are entitled to?


Yes, you should be made aware of who she brings home and who your children interact with, but no she shouldn't have to tell you who she dates or sleep with and how often regardless of what you give her. Being an AP doesn't mean being stripped of basic rights and basic privacy.

[Anonymous]

Longtime HM here. We have APs who used Tinder a lot and APs who didn't date or had longtime significant others during their time with us. Our "rules" about Tinder are that a) AP should not use in front of our children or in an obvious way in front of our family (this was put into place when an AP spent an entire afternoon with our family casually swiping through potential hook-ups and our children noticed and were talking about it) and b) if it's someone you don't know and trust, don't have them pick you up at our house. We ask AP to tell us where she is going and with whom so that in the event of an emergency, we know where to tell the police to look for her, but that's it. All have told us most details mainly because we don't judge. I have talked safe sex with both of our male and female APs but I don't talk what they should and shouldn't do with their time when not with our family or taking care of our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This person sleeps two doors away from my bedroom and in the bedroom next to my child. She eats dinner with my family at least 5 nights a week. She shares holidays and birthdays with my family. We pay for her cell phone, classes and provide her with a car. All this and you're telling me I should know "NOTHING" about her private life? My Au Pair in not my employee, and isn't treated as such. If I wanted an employee, I would have hired a nanny that goes back to their own home every day.

It doesn't mean you should know NOTHING about her, but that you are not ENTITLED to know anything about her private life, let alone who she sleeps with, as long as she doesn't bring them home and impose them on your family/children.

You are free to ask her questions, she should remain free not to want to answer those questions.

Do you feel your AP is entitled to know everything about your private life because she lives with you, eat food with your children, share birthdays with you and drive your car? Is your boss entitled to know who you sleep with or what you do on your free time, because he pays you therefore paying your mortgage, your AP, the food for your children etc... or you admit that paying for things doesn't take away from the privacy people are entitled to?


Yes, you should be made aware of who she brings home and who your children interact with, but no she shouldn't have to tell you who she dates or sleep with and how often regardless of what you give her. Being an AP doesn't mean being stripped of basic rights and basic privacy.

This comment is ridiculous. Where did I ever say I was ENTITLED to know? My au pair tells me she is going on date. Next day I ask, did you have good date? Was it a nice restaurant? Did you have fun bowling for the first time? This is a basic conversation question to ask someone you consider part of your family and of someone that is participating in a culture exchange. I do actually like knowing if she had a good evening. It is not stripping her of privacy, it is conversation. She might say it was a bad date, good date, I don’t feel like talking about it, I liked bowling, whatever. I’m not going to walk on egg shells and not ask basic questions about her day. She is free to share as little about her personal life as she’d like, it’s up to her. She was not forced to tell me where she spent the night. I would never require that. She volunteered the information because she feels comfortable with me. That isn’t my fault and she isn’t a victim. She could have totally kept it a secret from me that is fine and her right. The point of my post was wanting to know if tinder hook ups are a common thing and I stated that I didn’t like them or agree with it. And it is totally within my right to say I don’t like it and I don’t think it’s safe. It is also within my right to say she may not drive my car to questionable areas in DC etc and leave my car there overnight. It is totally within her right to take an Uber to DC on a Saturday night and sleep with 20 men and not tell me anything about it, and I never said otherwise.

[Anonymous]

One more thing to add to my above post is that she isn’t required to tell me she is going on date in the first place. She is only required to tell me where she is going if she is taking my child with her. On her personal time she can go wherever she wants in our car, we just want to know the general idea. For example, “I will be out all day with the car.” If she isn’t taking our car out then she isn’t required to even say that. She could be gone the entire weekend without our car and not tell us anything, that is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Longtime HM here. We have APs who used Tinder a lot and APs who didn't date or had longtime significant others during their time with us. Our "rules" about Tinder are that a) AP should not use in front of our children or in an obvious way in front of our family (this was put into place when an AP spent an entire afternoon with our family casually swiping through potential hook-ups and our children noticed and were talking about it) and b) if it's someone you don't know and trust, don't have them pick you up at our house. We ask AP to tell us where she is going and with whom so that in the event of an emergency, we know where to tell the police to look for her, but that's it. All have told us most details mainly because we don't judge. I have talked safe sex with both of our male and female APs but I don't talk what they should and shouldn't do with their time when not with our family or taking care of our children.

Thank you for a helpful post, vs those that seem to think I'm a bad HM just because I don't like that my Au Pair went out a had sex with random men. Your "Tinder" rule is a good idea, and one I will keep it in mind. I think really my issue with it is that I do think of her as a little sister and really want her to make IMO are smart choices and not set herself up. However I do remind myself that I am not her sister, nor her parent and my guidance can only be so much. The only thing I said to her about it afterwards was that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to go to a strangers house and spend the night. After the second one night stand, the only thing I said to her was that she is totally free to do what she wants with these guys, that is her choice but she may not give out any information about my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Longtime HM here. We have APs who used Tinder a lot and APs who didn't date or had longtime significant others during their time with us. Our "rules" about Tinder are that a) AP should not use in front of our children or in an obvious way in front of our family (this was put into place when an AP spent an entire afternoon with our family casually swiping through potential hook-ups and our children noticed and were talking about it) and b) if it's someone you don't know and trust, don't have them pick you up at our house. We ask AP to tell us where she is going and with whom so that in the event of an emergency, we know where to tell the police to look for her, but that's it. All have told us most details mainly because we don't judge. I have talked safe sex with both of our male and female APs but I don't talk what they should and shouldn't do with their time when not with our family or taking care of our children.

Thank you for a helpful post, vs those that seem to think I'm a bad HM just because I don't like that my Au Pair went out a had sex with random men. Your "Tinder" rule is a good idea, and one I will keep it in mind. I think really my issue with it is that I do think of her as a little sister and really want her to make IMO are smart choices and not set herself up. However I do remind myself that I am not her sister, nor her parent and my guidance can only be so much. The only thing I said to her about it afterwards was that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to go to a strangers house and spend the night. After the second one night stand, the only thing I said to her was that she is totally free to do what she wants with these guys, that is her choice but she may not give out any information about my family.

OP, don't sweat it, the one person being very negatively about this is the same nanny who spent her time on this forum harassing HFs, not sure why since the nanny forum is just one click away. APs are supposed to be teated as member of the family, so you can judge her dating choices if she shares them with you. At the end of the day just stop listening to her dating story and make her follow the rules you established at the beginning of the program. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

We host male aps but did have females prior.
As long as they do not have internet dates pick up at our home there is not much you can do about it.

One of our males banged every ap in 10 mile radius and then Moved on to married women.

A husband tracked him down to our house; assumed his wife was sleeping with my husband. I am not sure if he was more pissed to learn it was a 23 year old loser she was sleeping with or that she cheated on him.

We rematched after that; actually he did get sent home when agency learned why.