Au Pair dating life

[Anonymous]

We have an Au Pair that has been great. She has been with us for a year and we have signed on to keep her with us for another year. When she came, she had a boyfriend of 9 years back in her home country, but a few months ago they broke up. Seems to be a good thing that they broke up, I don't think from what she has said that they were a great match. So here she is in exciting America and newly single.... and she has found Tinder. I have no issues with her dating but I feel like she is going over board. She seems to be talking with at least 10-15 guys at a time. She has been going out at least 2 times a week with different guys, going to dinner, bowling etc. She has told me she isn't really interested in a boyfriend, but is just enjoying meeting people. Okay, I get it, I was young once. However this Sunday she went out didn't come home until Monday morning, 30 mins before her work time started. I asked her on Monday evening if she had stayed the night at a friends house and she told me no that she spent the night with a Tinder guy. I figured it was one she had met before but no, she had never met this guy, had just talked to him online for a week and then went to his house to have sex with him. She told me they were "safe." I expressed my concern and told her it wasn't really a good idea to go to some guys house that you had never met before, but I don't think she got it. I asked her if she was going to see the guy again and she said no, that she didn't really like him because he didn't talk enough?? So then she tells me she is going out with an completely different guy that evening. I asked her if she was going to meet him at a restaurant, and she said yes. I could tell she was lying by the way she said it. She leaves, and later I checked the location app we have set up, and sure enough she is now at some apartment near Washington DC. I assume she did the same thing, just went to this guys house to have sex with him. So my question is, is this how the world works now? Is this normal? I don't want to parent my Au Pair, but this is bothering me. I am not a wait until you are married kind of person, but I would not have done this when I was single. Am I being a prude? I really don't feel like this is safe and I don't want the phone call at 1am of come rescue me. This makes me question her judgement. Am I over thinking it? She I just never ask her about her dating anymore if it bothering me?

[Anonymous]

OP just to clarify a couple of things so I don't get blasted. I don't force my Au Pair to tell me about her dating life or anything), she is free to share with me whatever she would like. She is just very, very open about many things.

We use a location app (LIFE360) and she was not required to get, I let her know it was up to her but it would be handy for things since both my husband and I have long commutes. She would be welcome to turn it off anytime.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't blame you. This is not safe. Sadly, I don't think there is much you can do in terms of her decision making. You can certainly talk to her about the dangers of hooking up with a guy she does not know, etc. But eventually, she will find a way to do so.

What you CAN do is set limits as it pertains to work. Are there rules that she should be home to sleep say 8 hours before a shift? Getting home 30 minutes before a monday morning shift after being out all night is simply not acceptable for work. is she giving out your address? Does she meet these guys when she has your kids (or does the guy (s) know where the kids locations are)?

Does she use your car? That is something you can restrict.

But seriously, if she is out with Tinder guys all night and rolling in 30 minutes before a shift--and if it continues, that can be grounds for rematch.

[Anonymous]

So she's going straight to his place to have sex? Not even dinner first?

My first thought is, money is being exchanged...

[Anonymous]

OP here, I am not sure about her giving out our address but that is something I have already planned to discuss with her. I am going to tell her that she is not permitted to give out our address or names to anyone. Also, no one is allowed in the house unless we have met them. This is all in our family handbook, but it's been a year since we reviewed it. She has never met a guy when she had my daughter, I do trust her on this. She does use our car. We did put in the family handbook that she couldn't have the car out overnight on work nights and that she needs to be home 8 hours before her shift, but I'm sure she has forgotten all of this. I've never thought I'd have to enforce these rules. I'm just honestly shocked and grossed out that all of sudden she is going out and having one night stands. My husband is questioning if she is depressed, but I don't think that is it. She has a lot of friends here. Her mom has been upset with her recently because she went to Disney and spent a lot of money. They have been fighting since then because her mom thinks she needs to save all of her money while she is here, and she is telling her mom she came here to experience America and not work with no fun. So maybe that is part of it? She is rebelling against her mom?

I feel conflicted because I think, okay I'll just not ask her about her dating life since I don't agree with it. But then I think do I really want this person under my roof for another year? Someone that (IMO) is being disrespectful to themselves and using really poor judgement? What if one of these guys beats the crap out of her? I'm the one that will have to deal with the aftermath. Ugh. Fingers crossed two one night stands and she has gotten it out of her system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she's going straight to his place to have sex? Not even dinner first?

My first thought is, money is being exchanged...

Yes, she went to the house on Sunday night for sex for sure. She told me. Monday night, I'm not 100% sure about, but I'm 99% sure. I don't think money is getting exchanged, I think it is more of a "sow her wild oats" kind of thing. She told me it had been a year since she had sex and she wanted to experience this side of American culture....

But you're statement proves a thought of mine, that when we hear of a women doing this, we automatically think she is selling her body. This is something I'd like her to understand, if she is going out and having sex with random men, she is going to make a bad name for herself. I'm sure this is true in her country as well.

[Anonymous]

We are just living in a hookup culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am not sure about her giving out our address but that is something I have already planned to discuss with her. I am going to tell her that she is not permitted to give out our address or names to anyone. Also, no one is allowed in the house unless we have met them. This is all in our family handbook, but it's been a year since we reviewed it. She has never met a guy when she had my daughter, I do trust her on this. She does use our car. We did put in the family handbook that she couldn't have the car out overnight on work nights and that she needs to be home 8 hours before her shift, but I'm sure she has forgotten all of this. I've never thought I'd have to enforce these rules. I'm just honestly shocked and grossed out that all of sudden she is going out and having one night stands. My husband is questioning if she is depressed, but I don't think that is it. She has a lot of friends here. Her mom has been upset with her recently because she went to Disney and spent a lot of money. They have been fighting since then because her mom thinks she needs to save all of her money while she is here, and she is telling her mom she came here to experience America and not work with no fun. So maybe that is part of it? She is rebelling against her mom?

I feel conflicted because I think, okay I'll just not ask her about her dating life since I don't agree with it. But then I think do I really want this person under my roof for another year? Someone that (IMO) is being disrespectful to themselves and using really poor judgement? What if one of these guys beats the crap out of her? I'm the one that will have to deal with the aftermath. Ugh. Fingers crossed two one night stands and she has gotten it out of her system.

Sounds like it's time for a HUGE reset conversation and re-review the handbook. Also, some basics--is protection being used? Is she on the pill? Are condoms being used?

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- Her dating life is NONE of your business. She’s not a cow that you own who lives in the yard. Maybe tell her to stop talking to you about it if it disturbs you, but if she’s over 18 then mind your own business!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- Her dating life is NONE of your business. She’s not a cow that you own who lives in the yard. Maybe tell her to stop talking to you about it if it disturbs you, but if she’s over 18 then mind your own business!

It becomes OP's business if the AP is at risk of getting hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I am not sure about her giving out our address but that is something I have already planned to discuss with her. I am going to tell her that she is not permitted to give out our address or names to anyone. Also, no one is allowed in the house unless we have met them. This is all in our family handbook, but it's been a year since we reviewed it. She has never met a guy when she had my daughter, I do trust her on this. She does use our car. We did put in the family handbook that she couldn't have the car out overnight on work nights and that she needs to be home 8 hours before her shift, but I'm sure she has forgotten all of this. I've never thought I'd have to enforce these rules. I'm just honestly shocked and grossed out that all of sudden she is going out and having one night stands. My husband is questioning if she is depressed, but I don't think that is it. She has a lot of friends here. Her mom has been upset with her recently because she went to Disney and spent a lot of money. They have been fighting since then because her mom thinks she needs to save all of her money while she is here, and she is telling her mom she came here to experience America and not work with no fun. So maybe that is part of it? She is rebelling against her mom?

I feel conflicted because I think, okay I'll just not ask her about her dating life since I don't agree with it. But then I think do I really want this person under my roof for another year? Someone that (IMO) is being disrespectful to themselves and using really poor judgement? What if one of these guys beats the crap out of her? I'm the one that will have to deal with the aftermath. Ugh. Fingers crossed two one night stands and she has gotten it out of her system.

Sounds like it's time for a HUGE reset conversation and re-review the handbook. Also, some basics--is protection being used? Is she on the pill? Are condoms being used?

She isn't on the pill, I know that. I assume she is using condoms, she told me they did everything "safe"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- Her dating life is NONE of your business. She’s not a cow that you own who lives in the yard. Maybe tell her to stop talking to you about it if it disturbs you, but if she’s over 18 then mind your own business!

She is certainty not getting treating like a cow, that is ridiculous. She is treated as a family member. I have ever right to protect my home and child if I feel like she is creating a dangerous environment. I also have every right to know where my car is getting driven to and when it will be returned.

[Anonymous]

This is why people don't like to be honest. People like you OP is why kids hide stuff from their parents. The most that you can do is educate her on safe sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why people don't like to be honest. People like you OP is why kids hide stuff from their parents. The most that you can do is educate her on safe sex.

I don't think she needs the safe sex talk from me, I think that would come across as insulting. I understand where you are coming come, but she obviously feels like she can be honest with me if she has told me all of this. I didn't parent her, I just listened and told her that I personally wouldn't go over to some guys house that I had never met before. I also was asking very honestly if this is a normal thing now. I realize I could be being a prude. I am just having a hard time thinking this is safe behavior. I would tell me best friend, my sister, or my daughter the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why people don't like to be honest. People like you OP is why kids hide stuff from their parents. The most that you can do is educate her on safe sex.

I don't think she needs the safe sex talk from me, I think that would come across as insulting. I understand where you are coming come, but she obviously feels like she can be honest with me if she has told me all of this. I didn't parent her, I just listened and told her that I personally wouldn't go over to some guys house that I had never met before. I also was asking very honestly if this is a normal thing now. I realize I could be being a prude. I am just having a hard time thinking this is safe behavior. I would tell me best friend, my sister, or my daughter the same thing.

It isn't safe, but ultimately it's her body, her choice who she wants to share it with. I'd have the talk about making good decisions and of course never inviting anyone to your home, etc, and then move on. Provided she is still safe with your daughter and not talking openly about these choices with your kid, then i'd let it go, unless you are so upset about how she is choosing to act that you will begin to treat her differently.