Advice needed: nanny doesn't like DC2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has become clear that our nanny of 5 years just doesn't like our 3yo. The 3yo is a very strong willed child with a lot of personality who makes everyone laugh - except nanny. Our older child, 5, is your typical a first born - risk averse, plays quietly to herself, perfectionist. The two kids play great together, are very loving and affectionate, etc. But nanny just does not click with the 3 yo. This results in nanny making comments to me about how difficult the 3yo is, nanny being very flustered and stressed out, and saying things like "if you don't stop crying I'll leave you on the sidewalk all alone" which the 3yo reported back to me. It's so bad that when we had to take the 3yo to the ER for a severe and mysterious allergic reaction last week, nanny didn't even ask about it the next morning, but fawned over the 5 yo who had a much milder reaction to the same mystery allergen ("oh poor baby, are you ok- let me see"...)

Clearly we need a new nanny. But we are not in a position to fire her tomorrow and try to find someone new very quickly. So how do we bandaid the situation until we can transition to someone new? Also, how do I handle reference calls from new families who will likely ask why we are moving in from her?

Thanks!

I'm sorry OP, but I see nothing in this post that makes me think you need to replace your nanny right away.
I think you are putting the cart before the horse a bit.
You have had this nanny for 5 years I think that warrant sitting down and trying to work things out.
Have you once sat down and heard the nanny's concerns as objectively as possible?

+1 Did you talk with your nanny about the sidewalk thing or just hear your child's version of events?
There was a post on here about a month ago with a mom wanting to fire a nanny because the 5 or 6 year old said the nanny let the baby climb on the steps and everyone said nanny needed another chance or that mom needed to speak with nanny about it.

Could she have handled a sidewalk tantrum differently? Maybe, but we have all had high stress moments after a long day with kids and occasionally mess up.

The ER incident is not really relevant. Highly emotional and your version of events is likely clouded by emotions and not very objective.

What I've gotten from your posts, OP , and I say this as a mom who employs a nanny and a mother of 2 children with vastly different personalities, is that your nanny of 5 years has tried to approach you with her concerns and you instead of hearing her out have chosen to brush them aside with a well everyone else thinks it's funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sometimes it is a sad but necessary occurrence to find a new nanny. I have been with one family for 6 years and started when their DD was only 3 months old. She now has a 1 year old brother and although my interaction with the older DD is limited due to her going to school, it really hurts my heart to see the child she has turned into. I know it is not her fault but she has absolutely no boundaries and has turned into a complete brat. she terrorizes her younger sister, screams at her parents, bites and hits, and has broken four ipads from temper tantrums. she is allowed to dictate when the younger child sits in time out (a 1 year old in time out!!!) and can take any toy away from the baby if she wants it. she has complete run of the house and I find it difficult to watch every single day. for pete's sake, her parents still talk to her in baby talk at 6!!

I have a great relationship with the baby and the parents and used to have an amazing bond with the older child. Unfortunately, that's not the case anymore and I don't see it changing. I've loved my position for the last six years and I still love the family but it's no longer a good fit for me so I must move on.

I'm not saying you have a bratty child, I am just letting you know that sometimes it is in everybody's best interests to part ways, no matter how difficult it is. good luck on your search OP! I think you are doing the right thing

In your case I would agree.
In the case of the OP I don't think going off to find a nanny is needed right now.

why not? the nanny is clearly not treating the child the way the mother would like her to. what better reason is there to find a new nanny?

I'm a fan of working things out. It's easier to work things out with a current nanny than to fire one and look for a new nanny. Especially when the standards for behavior seem to be cloudy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sometimes it is a sad but necessary occurrence to find a new nanny. I have been with one family for 6 years and started when their DD was only 3 months old. She now has a 1 year old brother and although my interaction with the older DD is limited due to her going to school, it really hurts my heart to see the child she has turned into. I know it is not her fault but she has absolutely no boundaries and has turned into a complete brat. she terrorizes her younger sister, screams at her parents, bites and hits, and has broken four ipads from temper tantrums. she is allowed to dictate when the younger child sits in time out (a 1 year old in time out!!!) and can take any toy away from the baby if she wants it. she has complete run of the house and I find it difficult to watch every single day. for pete's sake, her parents still talk to her in baby talk at 6!!

I have a great relationship with the baby and the parents and used to have an amazing bond with the older child. Unfortunately, that's not the case anymore and I don't see it changing. I've loved my position for the last six years and I still love the family but it's no longer a good fit for me so I must move on.

I'm not saying you have a bratty child, I am just letting you know that sometimes it is in everybody's best interests to part ways, no matter how difficult it is. good luck on your search OP! I think you are doing the right thing

In your case I would agree.
In the case of the OP I don't think going off to find a nanny is needed right now.

why not? the nanny is clearly not treating the child the way the mother would like her to. what better reason is there to find a new nanny?

I'm a fan of working things out. It's easier to work things out with a current nanny than to fire one and look for a new nanny. Especially when the standards for behavior seem to be cloudy.

Exactly! SO far the only standard is must think 3 year old is funny?

[Anonymous]

I am really surprised by the responses on this thread. I think the Center Director has hit the nail on the head - OP's younger child may be more difficult but that doesn't mean she is spoiled or the favorite (and three is also typically just a difficult age!). However, it is the nanny's job, as a professional caregiver, to treat both kids equally and find ways to handle their distinct personalities and manage them both appropriately and lovingly regardless of whatever phases they may be going through - especially since she has known both since birth. OP didn't say the nanny had approached her with specific behavioral issues and constructive solutions - she said her nanny complains about the younger child. I would have an issue with that as well. Kids are not idiots - they pick up on these attitudes and behave accordingly. My kids are like OP's but in reverse. My older one (also three) is strong willed and challenging. And also smart, funny, precocious, and has the ability to be totally charming or a total terror as the mood strikes. The baby (at least so far) is easy breezy goes along with whatever. We had a sitter once who clearly preferred the baby and did something similar to OP's nanny - fawned over the baby while not focusing on older DC when an incident had happened to both. I could see my older DC watching the entire thing unfold and DH and I both registered the sadness and frustration he was feeling, although someone who knew him less well may not have picked up on it. I was not surprised to hear the sitter later report older DC had spent the day bouncing off walls and not listening to her. He was just reacting to the way she started off the day - it set the tone for everything thereafter (and he's three so he is not yet able to maturely process his feelings).

That said, OP - I am always relucatant to replace someone without trying to fix things first (and giving a few chances) so I'd start with several specific constructive conversations with your nanny about the issues and how you propose she resolve them before you move ahead to more extreme measures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by the responses on this thread. I think the Center Director has hit the nail on the head - OP's younger child may be more difficult but that doesn't mean she is spoiled or the favorite (and three is also typically just a difficult age!). However, it is the nanny's job, as a professional caregiver, to treat both kids equally and find ways to handle their distinct personalities and manage them both appropriately and lovingly regardless of whatever phases they may be going through - especially since she has known both since birth. OP didn't say the nanny had approached her with specific behavioral issues and constructive solutions - she said her nanny complains about the younger child. I would have an issue with that as well. Kids are not idiots - they pick up on these attitudes and behave accordingly. My kids are like OP's but in reverse. My older one (also three) is strong willed and challenging. And also smart, funny, precocious, and has the ability to be totally charming or a total terror as the mood strikes. The baby (at least so far) is easy breezy goes along with whatever. We had a sitter once who clearly preferred the baby and did something similar to OP's nanny - fawned over the baby while not focusing on older DC when an incident had happened to both. I could see my older DC watching the entire thing unfold and DH and I both registered the sadness and frustration he was feeling, although someone who knew him less well may not have picked up on it. I was not surprised to hear the sitter later report older DC had spent the day bouncing off walls and not listening to her. He was just reacting to the way she started off the day - it set the tone for everything thereafter (and he's three so he is not yet able to maturely process his feelings).

That said, OP - I am always relucatant to replace someone without trying to fix things first (and giving a few chances) so I'd start with several specific constructive conversations with your nanny about the issues and how you propose she resolve them before you move ahead to more extreme measures.

This I agree with.
I do not think the child is spoiled or that OP has favorites. I do agree different children have different needs.
I think it would be in the best interest of everyone involved to have a heart to heart with current nanny and see what can be worked out.
There could be more to the story that OP is not sharing, but from what she wrote I just don't think you need to go right to firing current nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really surprised by the responses on this thread. I think the Center Director has hit the nail on the head - OP's younger child may be more difficult but that doesn't mean she is spoiled or the favorite (and three is also typically just a difficult age!). However, it is the nanny's job, as a professional caregiver, to treat both kids equally and find ways to handle their distinct personalities and manage them both appropriately and lovingly regardless of whatever phases they may be going through - especially since she has known both since birth. OP didn't say the nanny had approached her with specific behavioral issues and constructive solutions - she said her nanny complains about the younger child. I would have an issue with that as well. Kids are not idiots - they pick up on these attitudes and behave accordingly. My kids are like OP's but in reverse. My older one (also three) is strong willed and challenging. And also smart, funny, precocious, and has the ability to be totally charming or a total terror as the mood strikes. The baby (at least so far) is easy breezy goes along with whatever. We had a sitter once who clearly preferred the baby and did something similar to OP's nanny - fawned over the baby while not focusing on older DC when an incident had happened to both. I could see my older DC watching the entire thing unfold and DH and I both registered the sadness and frustration he was feeling, although someone who knew him less well may not have picked up on it. I was not surprised to hear the sitter later report older DC had spent the day bouncing off walls and not listening to her. He was just reacting to the way she started off the day - it set the tone for everything thereafter (and he's three so he is not yet able to maturely process his feelings).

That said, OP - I am always relucatant to replace someone without trying to fix things first (and giving a few chances) so I'd start with several specific constructive conversations with your nanny about the issues and how you propose she resolve them before you move ahead to more extreme measures.

I agree that nanny and OP need to talk,but I don't think the onus is entirely on the nanny to "fix" things. As the old saying goes there are 2 sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
I think both sides need to be open to hearing from the other side and both work to resolve things if anything is going to be resolved.

[Anonymous]

I think if no one is in imminent danger, the nanny deserves a plain conversation and a chance to improve. But I also think your child deserves a day-to-day caregiver who will nurture her (as does your eldest), and that you know her best.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

A very strong-willed child with a lot of personality that makes everyone laugh is used to getting their own way. Undoubtably, the older child gives in to the younger and that is why they play well together. You and DH give in to the younger child and laugh at her precocious remarks-- proud of her quick wit and verbal ability. As indulgent parents, you and your spouse are just as much responsible for this situation as your nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very strong-willed child with a lot of personality that makes everyone laugh is used to getting their own way. Undoubtably, the older child gives in to the younger and that is why they play well together. You and DH give in to the younger child and laugh at her precocious remarks-- proud of her quick wit and verbal ability. As indulgent parents, you and your spouse are just as much responsible for this situation as your nanny.

Children like this need to be put in their place and not looked at as Gods gift. I'm proud of your nanny for not treating your dd like she walks on water. She treats her how she deserves to be treated. If you get rid of her your doing a disservice to your child. Not everyone will treat dd like she walks on water