Advice needed: nanny doesn't like DC2
![[Post New]](/nanny-forum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
It has become clear that our nanny of 5 years just doesn't like our 3yo. The 3yo is a very strong willed child with a lot of personality who makes everyone laugh - except nanny. Our older child, 5, is your typical a first born - risk averse, plays quietly to herself, perfectionist. The two kids play great together, are very loving and affectionate, etc. But nanny just does not click with the 3 yo. This results in nanny making comments to me about how difficult the 3yo is, nanny being very flustered and stressed out, and saying things like "if you don't stop crying I'll leave you on the sidewalk all alone" which the 3yo reported back to me. It's so bad that when we had to take the 3yo to the ER for a severe and mysterious allergic reaction last week, nanny didn't even ask about it the next morning, but fawned over the 5 yo who had a much milder reaction to the same mystery allergen ("oh poor baby, are you ok- let me see"...)
Clearly we need a new nanny. But we are not in a position to fire her tomorrow and try to find someone new very quickly. So how do we bandaid the situation until we can transition to someone new? Also, how do I handle reference calls from new families who will likely ask why we are moving in from her? Thanks! |
Anonymous
|
It doesn't sound like she has really done anything wrong, aside from being a bit harsh (but you admit your kid is strong willed and trying), so for references I would focus on the job she has done and that you are simply looking for a better fit as the kids get older.
As for what to do for now, address the things you can actually address. You can't force her to like your kid, but you can ask that she not say mean things to them. She's worked for you for 5 years, any chance she is burned out? Maybe give her some extra time off, to give her a chance to recharge, and to give your 3 year old a break from her as well. |
Anonymous
| I think mom has some guilt issues with her second child. |
Anonymous
| I'd put go for day care for the socialization. Time for a change. |
Anonymous
Op here. 3yo is in preschool so has plenty of socialization. She's a gem there, teachers and friends love her. This really is a personality issue with the nanny as the rest of us are great with her. |
Anonymous
It's not your nanny's personality issue. You keep saying that like there's something wrong with her. They just don't mesh, and that's okay. Your child deserves a caregiver who likes them of course, but stop taking it personally. |
Anonymous
|
Seems like 3 year old is mommy's favorite an she expects everyone to fawn over her little princess like she does.
You can let the nanny go, but you are not doing your DD any favors by favoring her. |
Anonymous
Did it occur to you that your 3 year old may not be reporting things accurately? |
Anonymous
Agreed seems like 3 year old is the youngest child and a bit spoiled and babied not unusual and mom is completely oblivious to this also not unusual. |
Anonymous
I wouldn't put much value into what the preschool teachers say, they may genuinely like her, but it's also true that unless your kids is beating people up and literally climbing the walls all you will hear from teachers is how magnificent your child is. |
Anonymous
|
MB here. Triage the problems.
Start planning your search. Put the word out on neighborhood listservs, any parenting groups, w/ all your mom friends, etc... that you're looking for a new nanny. Get your ducks in a row in terms of job description, rate you can offer, job responsibilities, and so on. Look into care.com or sittercity as options for your search. Can you afford to use a short term agency? That would help immediately if you did want to immediately be done w/ this nanny, but it is an expensive solution. It can definitely work though. An agency can also help w/ hiring a new nanny but again, you'll pay for the service. Also, sit down with your current nanny and in non-emotional terms talk about what you're observing. Ask her to go out of her way to ensure that both kids are treated as equally as possible. Ask if she has ideas on how to improve her relationship with your younger child. Be direct - "I can see that you're having a hard time w/ Jane, and I hear you when you say you think she is so difficult. This concerns me - especially given how great you are with Jill. What are your ideas for how we can improve things? So - start working on her replacement, and simultaneously try to address the current situation as much as possible. Deal w/ the reference problem when you get there - you don't have to solve that today. There are usually ways to say positive things about someone that aren't dishonest. Things like "she was fantastic with my first child - really great. But the fit wasn't as good with my second and we just decided that wasn't fair to the nanny or the kids. But if she is the right fit for you and your child then I can wholeheartedly recommend her." Good luck. We're going through a somewhat similar situation (long term nanny who is no longer a good fit) and it's really difficult and stressful to manage. |
Anonymous
| Taking care of children you don't like is just part of the job. And your sidewalk situation does not sound that bad. |
Anonymous
|
I think there is more to this situation than is being acknowledged by, OP.
If you decide to look for a new nanny find one that fits both your children you seem to be leaning towards finding a best buddy for your youngest child. Yes, you want a nanny that is a good fit for everyone, but it can be tricky you don't want your 3 year old to get the idea that if she doesn't like one of nanny's decisions during the day she can go to mummy and cry about it and nanny will be gone the next day. |
Anonymous
|
Yeah, I used to have charges who were allowed to call mommy and daddy at the office every time they weren't happy.
Had to get out of that he'll hole. |
Anonymous
*hell hole |