Advice on talking to live in nanny about privacy on weekends...

[Anonymous]

Hi,
I was hoping to get some advice as to how to address privacy. When I interviewed our current nanny, who has been employed about three weeks, I regret I did not ask a few more questions about how she would spend her time on weekends. We have a detached garage and she lives in a room above it which is fully furnished, with bathroom, cable tv, fridge, microwave. It does not have a full kitchen. She also drives our third car which I told her she was welcome to use on weekends. She has family in the area and I expected on weekends she would be out and about visiting friends, family etc and giving us family time on the weekends. Last weekend I woke up to find her in the kitchen at 8:00 am. She spent most of the day sitting at our breakfast counter on her computer, prepared two meals for herself in the kitchen. In the past, my nannies have been eager to vacate the house as soon as 6 pm on Friday rolls around. My husband and I are two busy professionals who like to have weekends to dedicate time to our kids. My husband was very prickly about the situation and frankly very annoyed that we did not get that alone time. How do I say this in a nice way without offending her and damaging our relationship? I welcome any suggestions/critiques of the situation.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

You need to tell her, there's no way around it than sitting down and have a little talk.
Why don't you tell her that since she's been here for a month you guys could sit down and talk about the job etc to see if everybody is happy ...
I don't think she'll do that every weekend but I would recommend to tell her she's welcome to use the kitchen on weekends for her meals but other than that you would appreciate to have the house to yourself because you want to dedicate the weekends to your children. Anybody would understand it, good luck !

[Anonymous]

you gave up privacy when you hire a live in.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the statement, "you gave up privacy when you hired a live in." In my eleven years of live-in experience, I have never had to ask a nanny to give us privacy on weekends. We are fully accustomed to lack of privacy during the weekdays.

[Anonymous]

I don't know ... if she doesn't have a full kitchen, she may be looking forward to the weekends as a time to cook more full, leisurely meals. Since reduced access to the house was not discussed initially, it may not have occurred to her that you wanted her out of sight on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

I've been a live in nanny for over 10 years. In the beginning I try to spend extra time with the family to kind of get a feel for what is expected. For example my last family expected me to clean up the kitchen after every meal even on days I didn't work. While I found this annoying and I felt taken advantage of I didn't want to rock the boat.

Typically though I just come and go on weekends and if she has a separate entrance you really shouldn't see her much.

I think sitting down with her and having a 1 month how is it going meeting sounds great. Then very carefully saying that while you are more then welcome to make Meals in the kitchen you would rather her not linger there all day.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious why she spent time with computer in the common kitchen. Did you guy checked WiFi signal strength in her room? I know in one of our basement bedroom (occupied by my parents) the wifi was very weak.

[Anonymous]

My opinion is that you would be out of line to address this issue now.

That ship has sailed already.

Everything should have been discussed prior. I mean it....EVERYTHING. It's completely unfair to just assume that she would be gone, then be annoyed because your assumptions turned out wrong.


As a live-in, your home is her home now too and she is free to do as she pleases unless you had directly told her that she cannot do such and such.

As her boss and landlord now, it is illegal and unethical to ask her to please vacate the premises on her days off just so you can have "family time." Can you imagine if all landlords asked this of their tenants? Yes...Only in a perfect world.

Either suck it up and learn to deal. Take your family out on excursions if her presence is such an issue.

Or let her go and go for a live-out.

But either way, the nanny is not at fault here. You are. One hundred percent.

She has done nothing wrong. She has not done anything that she wasn't supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been a live in nanny for over 10 years. In the beginning I try to spend extra time with the family to kind of get a feel for what is expected. For example my last family expected me to clean up the kitchen after every meal even on days I didn't work. While I found this annoying and I felt taken advantage of I didn't want to rock the boat.

Typically though I just come and go on weekends and if she has a separate entrance you really shouldn't see her much.

I think sitting down with her and having a 1 month how is it going meeting sounds great. Then very carefully saying that while you are more then welcome to make Meals in the kitchen you would rather her not linger there all day.

This would be so rude. There is NO way to say this tactfully.

If a family told me this, I would say screw you and leave.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that this is something that should have been discussed.

You have to bring it up now, however, because it bothers you. Talk about it with her and try to find a solution that works for everyone. If she is hanging with you because she needs the wifi, get another router. If she wanted to cook some nice meals for herself, maybe upgrade her kitchenette by adding at least a hot plate and a set of knives, pots and pans. There's not really a nice way to say that she's not welcome in your presence, but the least you can do is be up front about it ans acknoledge that a) you should have thought it through and b) this is your issue not hers. Hopefully she will be able to work with you on a weekend routine that suits everyone.

[Anonymous]

Sorry. You can't have it both ways. Either she is a "live in" (and you get to pay her a lower salary) and she gets access to her living space (which includes a kitchen) at ALL times, or you pay her a higher salary to live out.
True, there are some situations where nannies are "live in" during the week only, but they are compensated appropriately to maintain a weekend residence elsewhere.

You were completely wrong to assume she'd spend every weekend visiting other people so that she wouldn't be invading your space.

[Anonymous]

I would be so mortified to be told I can only use the kitchen to prepare meals that I would probably quit - and not out of spite but out of pure mortification.

Presumably you have other areas of the house you can use for alone time, right? I've been a live-in three times and I have always been welcome to use the common areas on the weekends. You can't expect her to spend all her weekend in a little room. If you want the house to yourselves, you either should rent her a room somewhere else, or have put it in your contract before you hired her. There's absolutely no way you can politely say that you want her to leave the house for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

It's not fair to expect her to live on frozen meals
and take-out. She should certainly have
access to a kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Personally my question is what size is her apartment/room? Is it tiny with few windows and no couch so she just has to sit on her bed? Because if it were me in a new location with no friends, spending two entire days alone not being able to come down and cook meals or talk to the only people I knew and being banished to my bedroom would feel like prison. Put yourself in her position for a minute.

[Anonymous]

I get kitchen access but it is not ok to sit in a main room on a weekend. I would not be ok with that.