Advice on talking to live in nanny about privacy on weekends...
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Anonymous
| And with you preconceived idea that she'd be leaving on the weekends to see friends and family - not everyone's outgoing. A lot of people like to wind down with a book and some internet on the weekend and just do nothing, after having to run after someone else the whole week. It's strange to assume she was going to entertain herself the entire weekend long elsewhere. |
Anonymous
It's not ok for her to sit in the main area of the home she lives in? |
Anonymous
| If I were your nanny I would probably spend some time in common areas in the beginning so I don't come across as anti-social. This may or may not change over time. IMO you should plan to adapt in case it doesn't change. It's not right to ask her to make herself disappear. It's not only not right but insulting. If you want alone time go to your bedroom. |
Anonymous
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Sit down with her and discuss expectations.
As a former live-in, I would try not to hang with the family during the weekend, but I needed to use the kitchen to make myself something to eat. Maybe a live-in is no longer the best option for your family. |
Anonymous
| MB here. I feel sorry for your nanny. She is a homebody and likes to spend her weekends the same way you and your DH do: hanging out in the real center of the house, i.e., the kitchen. If it bothers you that much, you will have to let her go because she won't be happy just staying in her room. If you want privacy, you should have a live-out. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, but unless her room is fully-equipped with a kitchenette where she can make her own meals, I think it is totally unreasonable to ban her from the kitchen.
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Anonymous
| Thanks for all of the advice. Appreciate the constructive criticism. To answer a few questions, her room is actually rather large--a bedroom and sitting area-- and I certainly do not mind her making meals in the kitchen, it was more the spending the day on her computer at the breakfast counter that bothered me. She has wifi access in her room. I have had 4 live in nannies prior to her and just surprised in 12 years that I have never run in to this problem. |
Anonymous
You are going to have to bite the bullet and have this discussion, because it bothers you and your husband. Doesn't matter if it would bother others, it bothers you. And that isn't going to magically get any better over the next 12 loooong months. I do think there is a chance she will decide to leave, because she wants to be able to leave her bedroom and sitting room and hang in the kitchen. Another person might just think "ok, whatever' and go use her computer in her room, as long as you do NOT make her feel funny or weird if she is actually cooking and eating in the kitchen - she is not supposed to cook then take her food back to her room, right? that's not the way you made it sound, just that you don't want to have your nanny in your kitchen all day. It feels like you have to entertain her, and it also feels like an invasion of your privacy. And I get that, I do! So if she changes, great (as long as there isn't any anger on either of your parts - but if you have a respectful discussion of different expectations, that shouldn't happen). If she quits, or refuses to change, then you'll need to decide whether this is worth putting up with or terminating. You can do that, as long as you give lots of notice, or severance if you don't want her working with your child during that notice period. |
Anonymous
| It seems a bit odd to me that she is hanging around so much in her off time, and suggests to me a lack of social boundaries or of an intuitiveness / sensitivity that you would expect a caregiver to have. We had one live-in who was also like this, though that was the least of our problems with her. One week into a four-week trial period we had to let her go. She was one of the most self centred people I'd ever met. So this kind of behaviour would be a big red flag for me. |
Anonymous
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She may not have anywhere else to go and is sitting in the common area to get some adult interaction. It would probably make me a bit uncomfortable too, but I would mostly feel bad for her. Maybe this Friday, you can casually ask her what her plans are this weekend as a conversation piece?
Otherwise, I think at this point you may have to decide if it's something that you are willing to accommodate. It's nice weather now and if she doesnt go out and about now, then she will definitely stay in throughout the winter. |
Anonymous
| As an employer I would be annoyed. She needs to hang out elsewhere. |
Anonymous
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How is it a red flag that a nanny wants to just hang out in the kitchen? She probably feels as a "live-in" that your home is now her home as well. Isn't that the concept of what a live-in means or am I missing something?
I didn't think being a live-in had strings attached. I mean if she had unruly company over, loud parties or was a very messy person then that would be very inconsiderate commonsense wise, right? But c'mon. She is just using the space considerately it sounds. She is not disturbing anyone intentionally it sounds...She is just keeping to herself and minding her own business. Let her be. She certainly isn't disrupting your family by any measures. I would let the poor girl alone. Trust me...There are a million worse things you could complain about from a live-in nanny. I am sure you heard about the live-in nanny from hell that made news nationally just a few months ago, right? Yeah. Thought so. Yikes! |
Anonymous
Spending the whole day at the breakfast counter with a computer is hardly as innocent as you try to portray it - she could use the computer in her own room or go to a coffee shop. It is not her home by any measure, it's her employers' home. Do you see hotel employees congretating in the lobby on their break time? |
Anonymous
Not the PP, but hotel employees typically go home after work... So, that scenario would actually work better if this were a live-out situation. And even if it were a live-out situation, it's not uncommon for nannies to hang out around the kitchen or living room during break. That wasn't the best example to use. I'm under the impression that live-in nannies should be able to utilize such common areas like the kitchen, even on days off, so I do find this situation a little strange but everyone's different (and that's ok). OP, this is definitely bothering you beyond the point of brushing it off. Just talk to her. TBH she's likely in her comfort zone on weekends so your honesty could potentially make her feel very embarassed and unwelcomed. Personally, I'd be mortified at the idea of being intrusive. In fact, I think most people (maybe even you) would be mortified to learn they've been unintentionally intruding someone's privacy. Live-in situations can be touchy, especially if complaints are not as obvious as, say, uncleanliness or loud music. But, look, at the end of the day it's your home and while I don't necessarily agree with this issue being fair to her you need to feel comfortable in your own home while spending time with your kids. There's really no 100% win here, but just be sure to avoid this in the future. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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So much for being "part of the family"...
Take your meals and keep out of our sight when we have no use for you, girl. Too bad if you only have a microwave to "cook" with. |