Nanny too close?
![[Post New]](/nanny-forum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I would love some outside opinions on my current nanny situation. Let me begin by saying overall she is wonderful. She has watched my daughter since she was 4 mos old and she is almost 3 now. She definitely cares for my daughter, but is there such thing as too close? I'm having difficulties keeping an employer/employee relationship and she continues to get "too comfortable" as her caretaker. She truly seems more like an aunt or grandparent who spoils her instead of an employee.
Some examples of her not listening - I have repeatedly asked that my daughter not be given treats (cookies, ice cream etc) and continue to find out that she is giving them. She even has asked on a few occasions when I get home if she can take her out for ice cream really quick (After I'm home!!!!). I also come home at the exact same time every day, but often have to call to find out where they are (usually the park). Some examples of her seeming "too close" - she buys toys and things for her all the time with her own money, and is always texting etc on the weekends to ask about her. She asks all the time if her and her boyfriend can "borrow" my daughter on the weekend to take her to things or for sleep overs (free of charge). (I always say no, even though it's free babysitting!) Today when she got to our house after the long weekend, she ran in with presents and said "My baby!" It was like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. I am not sure if it's just me being jealous that someone else loves my daughter that much, or if my reactions are legitimate. Let me be clear that I do not think my daughter is in any danger or harm. It just weirds me out how her and her boyfriend are both so in love with her that they want to babysit for free on their weekends! They are in their early 30's and should want to do things on their own! Thoughts? Should I just consider myself lucky that I have someone who cares for her like family, or would it seem strange to you too? |
Anonymous
| That's weird!! I'm not even like that with my nephew who I adore more than anything!! |
Anonymous
|
MB here with a DD the same age, who has had the same person caring for her for the same amount of time.
It's weird and too much. Firstly, he always follows my rules unless he absolutely can't (like if I lay out her clothes before leaving for work and then the weather changes he'll choose something else more appropriate). Secondly, he completely backs DH and me up on whatever we say to her. His idea of spoiling her is throwing her up in the air more times than I would, or being a human horse for her or being willing to do messy art projects I won't do. Experiences, not material things. He bought her a Supergirl t-shirt for Christmas, but is not buying her anything on the regular. Thirdly, unless he left on a Friday afternoon while she was under the weather he never contacts us over the weekend. Maybe he's done it twice? Fourthly, he is respectful of how little time we get with her, so he always has her home and pumped to see us when we walk in the door after work. Now that I'm thinking about your post, he does sometimes say to her, "How's my best girl?" or something like that, but she is MY baby and your nanny saying "My baby!" seems a little Hand Rocking the Cradle for my comfort. The reason it's sort of okay for grandparents to spoil is because of the idea that it's infrequent. If your nanny is doing all these things regularly, it becomes the norm. Yes, there is absolutely such a thing as "too close." And I think your nanny is it. |
Anonymous
Honestly, as a nanny the situation you describe makes me uncomfortable. I love my charges, I buy them presents for their birthdays and Christmas, and I occasionally babysit on weekends or take them out as a special treat while their Mom & Dad have a day out but what you're describing is not normal. 1. She is an employee and as such should always follow the requests of her employers regarding their children's eating, bathing, outside/inside time, quiet time/naps, etc. They may be her charges but they are your children and whether or not she agrees with every decisions that you make - it is your right as the parents to make those decisions. 2. She should be respect her own time and your time time. That means she should be on-time in the mornings and that she should have have your children home and ready for the evenings with you and your spouse when you get home. 3. Along with #2 she should have a life outside of her job (aka your children). I find it odd that she wants to "borrow" your daughter and constantly texts on weekends. That is jumping leaps and bounds over any professional boundaries and should be stopped. With those 3 points I think you need to have an honest conversation with her about how you're feeling because its clearly making you uncomfortable. |
Anonymous
| Be lucky your nanny loves your daughter like a family member. But keep on saying no for weekend free help and ask her to be home on time everyday. |
Anonymous
| Thanks so much for your responses. It really helps to hear some unbiased opinions. I will definitely have a talk with her. There are so many other examples I didn't list that just reinforce the lack of personal and work boundaries. I just looked at her public facebook profile (we are not friends on facebook) and it is full of pictures of her with my daughter calling her "my baby love" etc. I'm glad she loves her, but it is just too close for my comfort. |
Anonymous
| Nanny here- I've been with the same family for 8 years (since both kids were born) and we are close. But I know my place!!! When the mom comes home, I disappear and would never dream of asking to take the kids on the weekends because 1) I have a life 2) family time is important!! Your nanny needs to respect you as the child's parent. Respecting you includes respecting you parenting views, and not giving treats unless you say it's okay. Your nanny is inappropriate and personally I would fire her because she doesn't respect your role as a parent. |
Anonymous
|
When you speak with her, you might consider telling her that you don't want her to post pics of your child on-line. I'm a nanny, and IMO that's a firing offense unless she got your permission to post each and every time.
That said, her other behavior is over the top, again IMO. I'd set firm boundaries (no more random gifts, home 30 minutes before your expected arrival, follow your rules around food and treats) and if she oversteps you need to give her notice. |
Anonymous
|
MB here with a nanny about whom I would say many of the same things you've said here. We are very lucky to have her, I trust her totally with our kids, she's been with us for 3 years, etc...
She also routinely buys too many things for our kids, talks about wanting them to stay with her overnight or go home with her at the end of the day, calls them her princess or her handsome boy, etc... She has even, on occasion, pretty directly insinuated that she takes (or would take) better care of them than me and my husband. I have had a couple of very direct conversations with her, during which she has acknowledged (and apologized for) overstepping her boundaries. The whole dynamic bugs me, but it is also a price I've intentionally decided to pay when the flipside is the level of trust I have in her and the knowledge that my kids are being so well cared for. But I would suggest a very direct, consistent, and documented approach. "Dear Jane, I want to talk with you. We have told you repeatedly that there are some things we want done (or not done) for the kids. For isntance, not giving them sweets or ice cream - if we ask you not to do something, or to do it in a certain way, I need to trust that you will do as we ask. I am also very uncomfortable with having you post photos of them on your facebook page and would appreciate you not doing so in the future. We value you tremendously, and hope you are with us for a long time, but I'm sure you can understand that as the children's parents it is essential that they be cared for in the manner we choose. " You get the idea. I think a conversation like that will chill the waters, so you will also need to balance it with positive feedback and expressions of the things she does that you really appreciate and want to encourage. But draw the boundaries, be clear about them, pick your battles, and stay consistent. I think being firm about some of the easy low-hanging fruit (like the sweets, or the photos) will naturally inhibit some of the other stuff. It's tough to tell someone they can't use pet names, but there will be less of the boundary breaching if the boundaries are higher. Good luck. I sooo understand this struggle. Managing the balance between personal and professional with our nanny is one of the hardest management tasks I've ever had (and I've been managing people for a long time). |
Anonymous
I'm 11:34. It's in our contract that he's not to post any pics of her on social media. I wonder what your nanny's friends and family think seeing her pics of her charge with "my baby love" all over her FB page. |
Anonymous
|
I was a 60-hour a week live-in nanny for 2 kids for 4 years. I was (and still am 2 years later) their emergency contact and the person listed as the kids' guardian in their will. I did call the kids "my babies," but more as a joke. I posted photos of them online at their parents' request, so that far-away relatives could see the photos of the kids. The mom had far fewer photos than I because she and DB both spent less time during waking hours with the kids than I did. I stopped working for them last fall when the youngest started all-day Kindergarten and I just took the kids to my parents' house on the shore for Memorial Day weekend without the MB or DB (they had to work part of the weekend and would rather the kids have fun at the beach than be stuck home with them).
Even -I- think your nanny is over-the-top. Her job is 1) to give your kid a happy, healthy childhood and 2) to support your family. Her job is NOT to provide herself with a "pet child" or to undermine your relationship with your kid. I would honestly start looking for preschools for the fall and switch to a part-time nanny and preschool rather than full-time nanny who is obsessed with treating your daughter like her own personal toy. |
Anonymous
|
Thank you so much, everyone, for your well thought out responses. It is a relief to know I'm not overreacting!
And to the last poster - your suggestion is a good one. I am looking into PT preschools for my daughter for the fall, and would potentially seek a different part time nanny if it were just my daughter. However, I'm expecting our second child in August. Since she did such a great job with infant care, I would LIKE to fix things with her instead of starting all over. I'm just not sure if we'll be able to radically shift the dynamic. I don't want to start down this same path with #2!! |
Anonymous
|
When I was a nanny I would occasionally purchase a small gift for the children (max of $5 and it happened maybe once every 2 months) and while I was incredibly close (like an Aunt) I don't recall ever calling them my babies. Christmas gifts were a small toy and a scrapbook for the parents. 5 years later after they moves out of state and DH and I had our own child we are still close with the family and plan a yearly trip to visit.
We did occasionally text over the weekend but normally football sparing on Sundays (little rivalry between DB and myself). I think you may need a discussion about boundaries, but that really risks your relationship w/ her at this point potentially making things very awkward. I find the undermining of your requests the most troubling. If you have a discussion make sure you do the layered technique. Start with something positive, then something she needs to work on, then something positive. |
Anonymous
I think your nanny cross the line,is time to moving on Kiki her out, you going to have a big problem with your daughter in future,we can't spoiled the kids like that . I am a nanny many years of experience and I know what I'm talking about. |
Anonymous
| I'm confused with these issues your having with the nanny creeps me out. But yet, you want to keep her for your next baby for her to get even more obsessed with your family? There are excellent nannies out there who are a lot less creepy I would cut ties QUICKLY |