How to address unwanted commentary from nanny?
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Anonymous
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We have a nanny who takes good care of our child. He seems to like her and he is safe.
However, she drives us (the parents) batty with her running commentary on both how we care for him and other household/personal issues. Some examples: --Why didn't you go to Home Depot for your carpet? They are the best. --You shouldn't drink soda, it's bad for you. --Your wallpaper doesn't look well-done --You shouldn't let your son eat when he's not in his high-chair It's constant -- she comments on EVERYTHING. It drives us so crazy that we dread having to talk to her in the mornings/evenings. We are considering letting her go if we can't fix this because it's not a positive relationship, but feel like we should try to address it first. How would you handle this? |
Anonymous
| Ugh, is she a young nanny? Most of us know better than to tell our boss what they should or should not be eating. I'd definitely sit her down for a meeting, let her know you don't want the negativity and judgmental comments, especially in front of your son. If she can't improve I'd find another nanny because her attitude will rub off on your son eventually and then you'll really be unhappy! Best of luck, let us know what happens! |
Anonymous
| She sounds immature. That would be annoying |
Anonymous
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Honestly, this would be a deal breaker for me. But if you want, you could try to have a very direct, calm, conversation with her.
"Jane, we need to talk to you about something. You take great care of our son, and are doing a great job with _____. However there is something that we're not comfortable with and we'd like to talk with you about changing that. You have a lot of suggestions about how we might do things differently (give lots of specific examples). While we certainly want to have your input on matters pertaining to X's care, we also need you to respect our wishes regarding decisions about our diet, our household maintenance or decor choices, and when/where/what we allow our son to eat. It is important that all of us are on the same side and that you are comfortable following our wishes with regard to the care of X. Therefore, when we feel that we are being constantly criticized it concerns us. Are you able to respect our decisions? Are you able to respect our right to make our household choices, set rules for our son, decide our own diet, etc...?" Then you see what she says and how she reacts. I wouldn't be terribly optimistic - I think you need someone who is a better fit. But maybe she'll be able to moderate her behavior. In my experience, these kinds of things seem to get harder as the kid"s) get older. There are more decisions to make about behavioral approaches, daily activities, discipline, sleep/nap/crib-bed, etc... I'm going through this with our beloved nanny now and even with someone we cherish it's still tough. Good luck, whichever way it goes. |
Anonymous
| The above PP's speech is great - you can definitely try that. There are comebacks you could use, sure, but I think an overall speech is better. You should not have to feel attacked in your home. |
Anonymous
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OP here -- would you believe she's in her 50s? I think she is sort of looking for "insta-family", where she can have that kind of role. Unfortunately, we're not it. Thanks for the advice.
Follow-up question -- if we hire a new nanny and he/she asks what happened to the old one, what would you say? |
Anonymous
Ok. Now YOU sound immature. |
Anonymous
You could say it was a personality clash and that "we feel we found a much better fit with you". |
Anonymous
Why? |
Anonymous
9:52 here. If you hire a new nanny then you need to be direct and clear when you're hiring about anything that is non-negotiable for your household. You and your spouse will be FAR better positioned to judge a candidate who seems to agree w/ your general approach than you were with the last hire. But you ask questions that will get at whether you're on the same page (What do you think is the best way to handle evolving nap/sleep schedules? What kind of discipline have you found to be most effective, or are you most comfortable with? Etc...) You can also have a trial period of a day or two (paid) when the candidate you think you're going to hire spends some time in your home with you and your child. After that you have the chance for another conversation "What would you recommend doing differently? What would you change? " Etc... That will tell you a lot. Re what to say about the previous hire - be honest but considerate. She didn't end up being the best fit for us. Over time we realized our approaches were fairly different. Etc... The right person for you will be someone who would not behave the way your current nanny is acting, so if you shared that the prior nanny seemed to criticize everything from your decor to your household rules, I think any candidate would understand. But you're the one hiring - you need to feel more empowered that you're sounding. If this current nanny doesn't work you're allowed to make a change. You are not obligated to defend that decision to future candidates or anyone else. This is about the right choice for your family, not about anyone being a horrible person, so you can handle it professionally and appropriately. But you're in charge, whoever is working for you. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Spend less time with the nanny. She's supposed to be with your kid, right? Why does your kid need mom and nanny at the same time?
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Anonymous
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Why would anyone fire a nanny who is clearly good for her child? Seems rather selfish and mean to your own child.
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Anonymous
Yes, clearly, criticizing parents in front of the kid is part of being a good nanny. Don't ever fire her. |
Anonymous
I'd be really upset if I came home from my 11 hours at work, to grab a half a Coke and have a nanny tell me "It's not good to drink soda." Or to have her tell me I should have gotten carpeting from Home Depot after I had it installed from somewhere else. I spend ten hours a day defending my ideas and decisions - when I come home I don't want to deal with that. What's the point of the carpet statement after it's already been installed? What's done is done. A nanny should make life easier for the parents, not harder. |
Anonymous
NP here. Yes, as soon as I read your post I thought you must be describing an older nanny. Is she from another country? My guess would be that she is, as that kind of commentary is often a cultural thing when older women are 'entitled' to teach younger people - even their bosses - because of their greater experience. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either, OP, so I'm not trying to excuse it, but you should know that this isn't uncommon and she almost certainly doesn't mean anything bad by it. I'm not sure if a speech would make a difference, it would probably just put her on edge and make her feel defensive, but I'm curious what you say to her now when she makes those comments? If you shut her down with a short but firm, "We're really happy with our wallpaper and it's hurtful to hear people criticize it," or, "We all have our vices... mine happens to be soda, what's yours?" you might find you'll get further in your relationship. If you've tried that unsuccessfully or aren't interested in trying it, go for a younger (but not young, something like 25-35) nanny who won't be as likely to feel entitled to criticize you and your choices. |