How to address unwanted commentary from nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- would you believe she's in her 50s? I think she is sort of looking for "insta-family", where she can have that kind of role. Unfortunately, we're not it. Thanks for the advice.

Follow-up question -- if we hire a new nanny and he/she asks what happened to the old one, what would you say?

NP here.

Yes, as soon as I read your post I thought you must be describing an older nanny. Is she from another country? My guess would be that she is, as that kind of commentary is often a cultural thing when older women are 'entitled' to teach younger people - even their bosses - because of their greater experience.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it either, OP, so I'm not trying to excuse it, but you should know that this isn't uncommon and she almost certainly doesn't mean anything bad by it. I'm not sure if a speech would make a difference, it would probably just put her on edge and make her feel defensive, but I'm curious what you say to her now when she makes those comments?

If you shut her down with a short but firm, "We're really happy with our wallpaper and it's hurtful to hear people criticize it," or, "We all have our vices... mine happens to be soda, what's yours?" you might find you'll get further in your relationship. If you've tried that unsuccessfully or aren't interested in trying it, go for a younger (but not young, something like 25-35) nanny who won't be as likely to feel entitled to criticize you and your choices.

OP here -- I actually said something almost exactly like that to the soda comment. And for some of the other things -- carpet, for instance -- I've said "we are fine with what we have, thanks" and ended the conversation quickly. The problem is that I hate having to do this 5 times a day in what are very short conversations (when she arrives and when I return home). And what I didn't add is that I'm about to be home with her for a good four months while I'm on maternity leave beginning in December. I just don't think that will go well if this hasn't been addressed or we haven't moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- would you believe she's in her 50s? I think she is sort of looking for "insta-family", where she can have that kind of role. Unfortunately, we're not it. Thanks for the advice.

Follow-up question -- if we hire a new nanny and he/she asks what happened to the old one, what would you say?

NP here.

Yes, as soon as I read your post I thought you must be describing an older nanny. Is she from another country? My guess would be that she is, as that kind of commentary is often a cultural thing when older women are 'entitled' to teach younger people - even their bosses - because of their greater experience.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it either, OP, so I'm not trying to excuse it, but you should know that this isn't uncommon and she almost certainly doesn't mean anything bad by it. I'm not sure if a speech would make a difference, it would probably just put her on edge and make her feel defensive, but I'm curious what you say to her now when she makes those comments?

If you shut her down with a short but firm, "We're really happy with our wallpaper and it's hurtful to hear people criticize it," or, "We all have our vices... mine happens to be soda, what's yours?" you might find you'll get further in your relationship. If you've tried that unsuccessfully or aren't interested in trying it, go for a younger (but not young, something like 25-35) nanny who won't be as likely to feel entitled to criticize you and your choices.

OP here -- I actually said something almost exactly like that to the soda comment. And for some of the other things -- carpet, for instance -- I've said "we are fine with what we have, thanks" and ended the conversation quickly. The problem is that I hate having to do this 5 times a day in what are very short conversations (when she arrives and when I return home). And what I didn't add is that I'm about to be home with her for a good four months while I'm on maternity leave beginning in December. I just don't think that will go well if this hasn't been addressed or we haven't moved on.

PP here - it sounds like you've done what you reasonably can, and I would be dreading maternity leave if I knew I'd have to spend that much time with someone who was judging me! Personally, I'd worry that even if I got her to stop (by saying, say, "Linda, for my own sanity I need to ask you to stop making critical remarks about how my family and I choose to live") that she'd still be thinking it in her head... in which case I would never feel entirely relaxed and comfortable around her.

I think a 25-35yo nanny is probably your best bet at this point - and get her in soon before your new baby comes (congratulations!) so she has time to get acclimated (and your son does too) before more big transitions come along.

[Anonymous]

I don't think age has anything to do with this. I totally agree that OP needs a new nanny but this sounds like an individual issue, not something about which a generalization re age, culture, etc... rings true.

I have an older nanny and she'd be appalled at this behavior.

Good luck finding another nanny OP - just don't rule out an entire category of applicants based on this one circumstance.

[Anonymous]

OP this woman has probably been doing this to everyone and many most likely find her unpleasant because of it. I'd just find someone else because it's either built in her to act that way or she's intentionally doing it. Most likely the lather.

[Anonymous]

She sounds annoying.

Can't you just ask her to keep her comments to herself, instead of just firing her right away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anyone fire a nanny who is clearly good for her child? Seems rather selfish and mean to your own child.

I'd be really upset if I came home from my 11 hours at work, to grab a half a Coke and have a nanny tell me "It's not good to drink soda." Or to have her tell me I should have gotten carpeting from Home Depot after I had it installed from somewhere else. I spend ten hours a day defending my ideas and decisions - when I come home I don't want to deal with that. What's the point of the carpet statement after it's already been installed? What's done is done. A nanny should make life easier for the parents, not harder.

and i would tell her just that. plain and simple

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny who takes good care of our child. He seems to like her and he is safe.

However, she drives us (the parents) batty with her running commentary on both how we care for him and other household/personal issues. Some examples:

--Why didn't you go to Home Depot for your carpet? They are the best.
--You shouldn't drink soda, it's bad for you.
--Your wallpaper doesn't look well-done
--You shouldn't let your son eat when he's not in his high-chair

It's constant -- she comments on EVERYTHING. It drives us so crazy that we dread having to talk to her in the mornings/evenings. We are considering letting her go if we can't fix this because it's not a positive relationship, but feel like we should try to address it first. How would you handle this?

How did you end up with my MIL for a nanny?

[Anonymous]

I Worked for first time parents who were both very busy with careers and they were making big parental mistakes during their quality time with baby. After making my own feelings known on certain issues (mainly safety issues & sleep training), and checking out a couple books from the library for them to check out I realized it was completely screwing up my relationship with them. I backed off completely let them make mistakes and do it their way. I spent four happy years with them and we because supportive friends and shared our stories and experiences about their child and eventually children. I realized they ha

[Anonymous]

I realized they had lots of bossy family that was also telling them how they should be doing things and they just needed support and positivity from me. They grew into awesome parents with their own stour that works for them. A good nanny makes things easier, not more complicated.

[Anonymous]

If you follow advice of 9:52, you are crazy.