Paying for food in travel month?
![[Post New]](/nanny-forum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| It’s petty a bit. What happened to the idea that au pair should be a part of family? You can tell her you are not reimbursing her for meals but she is welcome to eat what’s in the house |
Anonymous
Friend is not on a J1 visa you sponsor, to start! Their status is crystal clear: tourist or resident. J1 in travel month is soooo murky. |
Anonymous
No longer on a J1 |
Anonymous
You used to reimburse her for breakfast and lunch items because you don't usually have breakfast and lunch as a family and hence don't have anything she could have for breakfast and lunch in your home? Or you just don't have a huge choice of breakfast and lunch items at home because the you don't have breakfast at home and the kids only have oatmeal (or whatever)? a) This should have been discussed when you agreed to let her stay. b) If this is how you have handled it the last 51 weeks I see where she is coming from. c) If it's a matter of "we don't have cereal/granola/toast/lunchmeat/whatever at home because we don't have breakfast/lunch at home" - how would you treat a guest? Say your teenage niece staying with you for a month? Would you expect her to cover her own breakfast/lunch? d) If your child visited granny and grandpa and they didn't usually have have breakfast/lunch at home, would you still think they should provide at least a basic breakfast (come on, are we really discussing granola and milk here now?)? Would you give your child $20 to give to granny to cover cereal? If she went to IHOP every morning and presented you with the bills, I'd agree with totally over the top and entitled and taking advantage of you. From what you are saying she is having breakfast and lunch as she used to... not entitled. I assume your kids are also provided with breakfast and lunch on snowdays, sick days, during summer vacation etc. I hope other guests are provided with breakfast when visiting (if not - odd family dynamics but you do you). This is a question of general hospitality and treating a guest well. Really? I think if you aren't open to continue the way you did during the year that should have been made very, very clear before agreeing to let her stay (she might have made other plans). Changing rules now that there is nothing she can do about it (her plans are fixed, she has a plane ticket home, she cannot just up and leave now)? Do you want to taint a whole year by this now that it's over? Something to foul up your relationship over? Breakfast and lunch?! And no, an AP cannot work for their HF in their travel month. Your ex AP visiting for the summer cannot legally watch your kids for you (she can spend time with them, yes but she cannot babysit them - see the problem?). I don't think a friend visiting from abroad could officially watch your children. I am not even sure your non-US mother/sister/cousin could legally babysit your children when visiting (being a relative may be different and I am not a lawyer). As soon as they "take a job" (not necessarily paid, free room and board, which you usually provide a guest who is staying with you is enough to be considered payment) they need a visa. Which you can't get for babysitting. I have heard from APs being detained (or send into secondary) at the boarder because they said they were visiting their former HF. First time I visited my ex HF and said so at the boarder I was subject to at least a dozen questions about my HF currently having an AP (they did), me planning to watch the children (I didn't) etc. and what saved me most was probably that I was traveling with my boyfriend. If nothing happens and nobody notices? Nobody will care. Kids have an accident while in exAP's care? See where that gets you. Or her. Most likely her.
Legally? I'd say yes. You didn't pay her but offering room and board is already considered compensating her for babysitting. Childcare (work) provided by a non-resident alien who did not enter the US on a visa that allows them to work? Illegal. Even if they chose to help out, even if they offer and beg. Legally they cannot work. Working while not on the correct visa? Detainment, deportation, entry ban. And again, as long as nobody notices what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. No plaintiff, no judge. |
Anonymous
I assume this was discussed when agreeing to host her for her travel month? Why did you not discuss food back then? "Of course AP, we are happy to let you stay with us for your travel month. However, you will not be able to drive as you will be off our insurance and we also won't provide you with breakfast and lunch" (and why not also not let her have dinner with you? ask her to pay rent? water?)
Seems she is no longer the AP = no longer part of the family = no longer subject to the same rules she was during her year. No AP, no family member, no breakfast/lunch. |
Anonymous
|
Agree that it's petty to expect AP to provide her own breakfast/lunch the last few weeks. That will sour an otherwise good relationship (if it was in the first place). However, I would NEVER have allowed the AP to subit bills for her meals in the first place. Big mistake, which sets a certain precedent for the relationship.
Furthermore, this thread points out an inconsistency in the whole AP/HF relationship. Sure you can have all kinds of rules about employer/employee relationships: hours/duties/benefits/etc. Much harder is the legislating of the "family member/HF relationship." While there are some "abusive" HFs, there are also plenty of HFs who technically break the program rules (#hours for example) but continue to have great relationships with their APs because they make up for it in other ways. |
Anonymous
That’s pretty horrible that she hasn’t offered and presented you with a bill. |
Anonymous
|
We had one AP who decided (without asking us first) to come back from travel month early, and it caused a whole host of complications that definitely soured the relationship. First, in returning early, she simply assumed she would have her car back. We too had removed her from the insurance - she cost $250 a month, and since she was going to be traveling, there was no reason for us to pay that, but also, because she was going to be gone, we had told a former BP that he could stay with us (DS goes to sleepaway) so he was using the car to get back and forth to his internship. She arrived back at our house, again, without asking, and was pouty and put out that there wasn't a car for her to use full time. She also assumed that she would then join us at our summer house for two weeks, again without asking us first, and so was put out to learn that there was no bed for her - we had invited other guests to come because weren't expecting her. Her FB and IG posts were all about how she hoped it would rain on __ island, where we were, and it was seriously immature and childish of her to be so disgruntled because again - she was supposed to be in CA or Hawaii or wherever she was thinking she would be for travel month.
Yes, APs are members of our family while they are with us, but they need to understand that the travel month has nothing to do with the HF. It's THEIR chance to stay in the US and travel if they want, but many (most?) HFs will have gotten a new AP to arrive when they leave, and many of us don't have a second spare bedroom and a second free car for them to use. |
Anonymous
|
You were very generous to offer her to stay for one month with nothing in return. I think she is totally abusing the situation. Someone more considerate will actually buy some extra food for the family to share as a way of saying thank you.
I don't think i could put up with this. I would have said no the first time she submitted the bill. I think it is not too late. Tell her it was a one time thing only and she should eat with you guys or get her own stuffs on her dime. It is not about money it is about people learning from their mistake. If you don't tell her she will not learn, people need to know when they are wrong!!! |
Anonymous
|
OP here:
So we didn't discuss this in advance because frankly I didn't think we needed to...I would never have expected her to submit her grocery bills to us after her year was over...seemed like common sense. She was a lackluster Au Pair but did have a genuine love of the kids...I wanted to be kind and allow her to stay for the month if she wanted but the bill thing really pushed me to the edge. My husband and I do not eat breakfast or lunch at home...pretty much ever. Even on the weekends we tend to go out to lunch or go shopping for BBQ stuff as we feel like it...and almost always eat our weekend breakfast at the coffee shop at our gym. The kids eat oatmeal or toast, Au Pair liked a specific kind of granola and for her lunches she had a specific bread she liked to have (non-sweet bread, she hated "American" bread) and lunchmeat that my kids wouldn't ever eat so it was really just hers. We agreed early on that she could get herself $10-15 per week of her own groceries that we'd reimburse but I am shocked she thought this would continue. We always have milk, eggs, our bread, peanut butter, tuna, fruit, pasta, etc. and she could always help herself to this stuff while she was staying, i wasn't counting the eggs. She just took advantage and now I'm mad. I did tell her no more reimbursement and she got annoyed. And that made me more annoyed. And then she's off on a trip to Vegas and we have another couple of weeks together. It might be petty of me to allow this relationship to go so sour over a $12 grocery bill but for the love of God, it's about the principle! I'm not ungenerous but I feel taken advantage of!! |
Anonymous
I would feel exactly the same way. I would be shocked and offended if a house guest (which is what she is at this point) handed me a bill for their expenses while staying with us. Basically turning it around so that instead of appreciating your generosity, they act like they are actually owed this. My impression is that most APs by the end of the year feel that the program takes advantage of them by asking more from them than they get out of it and my guess is she probably sees your offering to house/feed her during the travel month as more than fair for her efforts over the year. I don't agree with this view at all, assuming you were good hosts throughout the year, but maybe look at it that way if it helps you to feel less annoyed. |
Anonymous
| I agree with you about the principle ... but it's too bad to end the year on a negative note. As a grown up you should have let it go because it wasn't a big amount. |
Anonymous
This is a good perspective. Honestly, $10-$15 a week sounds like what you'd spend at a cafe when you eat out. It is annoying to feel like you are being taken advantage of. One thing that helps me is to reflect on the times when AP stays a few minutes late here or there, or does anything extra. It really is about give and take. |
Anonymous
Good for you! The way I see it the relation is kaputt anyway as I don't think you will be fool enough for her to come visit and stay with you, at this rate she might still hand you her foods receipt 2 years later. Also she spoiled it for other APs. It is about principle and when it is wrong it is wrong IMO. |
Anonymous
|
Can you just buy her the bread and lunch meat for her final weeks here? That way you control what to buy and can feel like you're being the bigger person?
I'd feel cheated/taken advantage of too, but it's likely not worth the stress... |