19 yr old au pair’s boyfriend visiting for a week. Sleeping arrangements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 19 yr old au pair will have her boyfriend visiting for a week and is asking where he can sleep (in her room or elsewhere). Boyfriend, per her report, thinks it’s ridicule couldn’t share a bed with her while visiting.

We have tween and young teen kids in our home that are well aware of what may be happening behind closed doors. I am inclined to tell the au pair that her boyfriend is welcome to the couch or the other guest bedroom, but cannot share her room (and its single bed). I’m thinking ahead to the questions I’ll get from my kids and the precedent I’d be setting for my very observant kids - sleepover with significant other in your room is a-okay.

Am I overthinking this? What’s reasonable? The au pair and her boyfriend will have an empty house to enjoy from 7:30am-3pm every day, so I’m not concerned they’ll miss out on private time - there is a LOT that can be accomplished during those hours, with NO tween/teens around to wonder.

Opinions? Your past experiences and what you’ve learned? Thanks!

You have your answer. It's not ok for your daughter, so it's not ok for AP. If AP's boyfriend has a problem, then hotel and tell AP she can come to work on time by morning.

If you let him stay in the guest room, clearly address modesty standards (like boyfriend should not be walking around naked to the bathroom) and noise. Seriously, embarrass her NOW before everyone is embarrassed by hearing them at 10pm in her room.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My fairly strong preference is to have them sleep in separate spaces. I have a 7th grader, a 5th grader, and two younger ones who giggle about "kissing" and I'm just not inclined to set up a situation in which anyone inadvertently hears/learns/observes something that's just not necessary right now. I haven't yet had the "responsible monogamous safety" discussion with the 7th grader (or 5th grader!) and I'm not feeling like sitting down for that talk just because she wants him to visit.

One of the reasons I'd prefer they sleep apart is because I'd much rather encourage them to focus their energies on "private time" during the hours NO ONE ELSE is in the house. Then, less concern about what we have to carefully avoid and studiously ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your house, your rules. Our handbook states that we don't allow romantic sleepovers of any kind. Our handbook also states that we only allow a few weekends of guests during her year -- meaning mom and dad can pay a visit for a weekend, best friend can come for a weekend, brother too. But that's about it. Longer than a weekend and it's off to the hotel. That may sound cruel but we don't want to be an airbnb for their year here.

I like this, I have one week in my handbook but will change it to weekend. My agency actually has a rule that say "Au Pairs are not to invite guests to stay with their host families" and this is exactly to avoid this type of issues.

[Anonymous]

My 1,000 sq ft one-story house is waayyyy too small for privacy. My au pairs went to their boyfriends' place. Hotels were a given when friends/family visited them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My fairly strong preference is to have them sleep in separate spaces. I have a 7th grader, a 5th grader, and two younger ones who giggle about "kissing" and I'm just not inclined to set up a situation in which anyone inadvertently hears/learns/observes something that's just not necessary right now. I haven't yet had the "responsible monogamous safety" discussion with the 7th grader (or 5th grader!) and I'm not feeling like sitting down for that talk just because she wants him to visit.

One of the reasons I'd prefer they sleep apart is because I'd much rather encourage them to focus their energies on "private time" during the hours NO ONE ELSE is in the house. Then, less concern about what we have to carefully avoid and studiously ignore.

well, there you go, the answer is separate. Don't let her guilt trip you into doing something you are not ready for.

[Anonymous]

I asked my APs mother if she allows them to sleep in the same room at her house. She said yes so I allowed it. My kids thought nothing of it and the oldest is in middle school. In fact my kids had so much fun with the bf around and my AP was grateful.

OP, I personally feel you’re overthinking it but it’s your house. Do what you’re comfortable with. I think asking them to get a hotel is petty but again, your house.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don’t plan to ask them to get a hotel! But I do plan to have a solid conversation in advance, making clear that we are already making an exception to our handbook rules (no opposite sex overnight guests; length of stay), and setting out clear expectations. Sleeping arrangements, expection that unless she is using vacation time she will be sufficiently rested and attentive to her regular work, and that she needs to take responsibility for her guest’s “care and feeding” rather than expect us to play the role of host in preparing for his visit, setting up what he needs, providing his meals for a week, and cleaning up after him.

Sounds a bit harsh but I would prefer to establish clear expectations rather than try to course correct during his stay.

[Anonymous]

We don't allow overnight male guests at all. And any other guests (pre-approved) cannot stay more than 3 nights. We've had au pairs with boyfriends visit before, but they just take their vacation at the same time and travel.

I would say hotel in this case because it sounds like they are already being disrespectful of your house/your rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t plan to ask them to get a hotel! But I do plan to have a solid conversation in advance, making clear that we are already making an exception to our handbook rules (no opposite sex overnight guests; length of stay), and setting out clear expectations. Sleeping arrangements, expection that unless she is using vacation time she will be sufficiently rested and attentive to her regular work, and that she needs to take responsibility for her guest’s “care and feeding” rather than expect us to play the role of host in preparing for his visit, setting up what he needs, providing his meals for a week, and cleaning up after him.

Sounds a bit harsh but I would prefer to establish clear expectations rather than try to course correct during his stay.

This changes things significantly imo. She informed you he was coming? Or asked? Your OP made it sound like the trip was already happening, and she was asking you where in the house he could sleep. Is that not right?

Because I think this is a much bigger deal. It sounds like a boyfriend who doesn't respect your rules at all, told her he'd already booked his tix and that you'd put him up. Or, she's blaming him for her own decision to completely ignore your handbook.

In that case, I think you can put whatever rules on this you like, and you are perfectly within your rights to say that if it doesn't go smoothly, you will ask her to take her vacation days and find somewhere else for them to stay.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She did ask us if he could visit and stay at our house because the flights are so expensive, so it wasn’t just an “inform”. She asked then about the sleeping arrangements and I told her I’d have to think about it.

[Anonymous]

OP back again! She just gave us his firm travel dates, and now the plan is for her boyfriend to stay at our house for about 9 days total. He will be in the US for two weeks and they plan to travel together “only three or four days” because it’s too expensive to travel. I did not sign on for hosting a guest for more than a week. Even a week felt like a lot but I was trying to be flexible!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again! She just gave us his firm travel dates, and now the plan is for her boyfriend to stay at our house for about 9 days total. He will be in the US for two weeks and they plan to travel together “only three or four days” because it’s too expensive to travel. I did not sign on for hosting a guest for more than a week. Even a week felt like a lot but I was trying to be flexible!!!

Say NO. Stick to the original plan and say you're sorry but you cannot host him for longer than that as it will be too disruptive to the household. The other option is for him to cancel his trip. Those are the only choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again! She just gave us his firm travel dates, and now the plan is for her boyfriend to stay at our house for about 9 days total. He will be in the US for two weeks and they plan to travel together “only three or four days” because it’s too expensive to travel. I did not sign on for hosting a guest for more than a week. Even a week felt like a lot but I was trying to be flexible!!!

9 days is a lot. For anyone. Are they ASKING you or telling you?

You need to speak up and be upfront with her. She has put you in a very hard spot.

[Anonymous]

Is she a good Au Pair? Responsible? Mature?

Our philosophy is if AP behaves like an adult, we treat her like an adult.

Our first AP was extremely immature (although she was responsible, took good care of the kids) and expected that we treat her like one of our children (in terms of cooking for her, arranging things for her, etc.) There is no way I would have trusted her to have a guest come stay.

We also have a no sleepover rule and have an "ask us before inviting friends to stay" rule. One AP had her sister stay for 2 weeks but she was very responsible and mature and she and the sister made us meals and generally she was a great guest.

Current AP met a boyfriend here in America and has asked to have him stay over on a number of occasions when they are going to be out late (he lives 45 minutes from our house). I have said yes to this because again, she is mature. I think of her as an adult and adults have "sleepovers" with their boyfriends.

It sounds like she is probably NOT that mature if she's just assuming 9 days is ok. My good/mature APs in the past would never assume that would be ok. They might ASK and I would say it was ok... but I never would have allowed it with the first one. She would have just expected we look after her guest as she expected we look after her....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again! She just gave us his firm travel dates, and now the plan is for her boyfriend to stay at our house for about 9 days total. He will be in the US for two weeks and they plan to travel together “only three or four days” because it’s too expensive to travel. I did not sign on for hosting a guest for more than a week. Even a week felt like a lot but I was trying to be flexible!!!

Whoa! One of the two of them is playing someone. Either he is playing her and putting her in a tough position, or she thinks you are a easy touch. This would poison my relationship with the AP for sure. I think you tell her "no more than x days in our house, and the rest is your vacation days."