Mom is worried about hiring a nanny b/c no one else will be there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm new here, and totally new at all this so be gentle!

My wife has just decided to go back to work, and our only option at this point appears to be getting a nanny. My wife thinks she would prefer a day care, but we didn't get on waiting lists early enough so that's not an option really.

Her main reasoning is, she's scared to leave the baby (6 1/2 months) alone with just one person. She feels like there's "safety in numbers" at a day care.

I guess she's worried about a "bad" person slipping through the cracks and being in a position to neglect or even hurt the child.

I know this probably sounds crazy and like over-protective first-time parent paranoia, which I'm sure it is.

But did anyone else feel this way? Any words of encouragement to make her/us feel better about leaving her with a nanny?

Why not encourage your wife to care for your baby? Don't you think she probably wants to? If she's stable, competent and loving, she should. No stranger is likely to be all that. You make the financial sacrifice for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny cams. Get 2 or 3 drop cams, hide them well, and check in on occassion.

In addition to the main areas I suggest you put one wherever the baby will be changed, either viewing the changing table or the bathroom. People always forget this one.

After you tell the nanny, of course.

If you are going to tell the nanny then the whole thing is kind of pointless now huh

That depends on what you think the point is. Are you trying to catch abuse or prevent it?

If someone is abusive they will be abusive, if you tell them you have cameras they will just do it out of site. If someone is the type of person to hit or shake a crying baby, do you think they will be different knowing they can be seen in the living room? They will just do it elsewhere.

I don't know what kind of abuse you think will be prevented by telling your nanny you can see her in the living room.

If you can't trust a nanny, don't hire a nanny. If you want to feel that you are preventing the possibility of abuse, let the nanny know that there are cameras, let her know how many, but don't tell her where they are. The only place the nanny would know that she could hurt the kids and not be caught would then be in public, and someone would be likely to report her for abuse.

[Anonymous]

There has to be trust on both ends. If your wife does not feel comfortable with one nanny then she needs to interview more. Also, have you looked at centers?

[Anonymous]

Your wife will drive a nanny crazy and she will also drive day care staff crazy. She should stay home.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child. Believe me, this has been considered at great length. My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides. She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home. Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby. Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s). She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life. Then something sort of changed. I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby. Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc. I don't know - it's hard to explain. It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term. (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see). The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her. It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question... We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary. That seems like a lot. But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child. Believe me, this has been considered at great length. My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides. She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home. Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby. Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s). She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life. Then something sort of changed. I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby. Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc. I don't know - it's hard to explain. It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term. (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see). The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her. It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question... We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary. That seems like a lot. But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.

Some agencies set a flat fee, dependent on whether the nanny is part-time, full-time or 24 hour. Others do a percentage of first year salary. Either way, you should have a streamlined hiring compared to doing it yourself, and agencies usually have a guarantee (guarantee time period varies, so check), so if the first nanny doesn't work out for whatever reason, you won't have to pay for help finding someone the second time around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child. Believe me, this has been considered at great length. My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides. She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home. Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby. Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s). She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life. Then something sort of changed. I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby. Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc. I don't know - it's hard to explain. It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term. (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see). The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her. It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question... We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary. That seems like a lot. But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.

Please explain how being your child's primary caregiver makes you less "independent." Wouldn't your paycheck be equally shared?

I'm sorry OP, but I get the clear sense that you're "nudging" her back to the office, because outsourcing childcare is to your financial benefit. Your wife clearly understands no hired help will love this child as much as she does. The early foundation years are the most important years. Please reconsider your priorities and tell her you know full time parenting is the hardest, but most important job there is. This baby needs stable, competent and loving care. Now who can do that best in your situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child. Believe me, this has been considered at great length. My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides. She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home. Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby. Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s). She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life. Then something sort of changed. I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby. Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc. I don't know - it's hard to explain. It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term. (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see). The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her. It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question... We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary. That seems like a lot. But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.

Please explain how being your child's primary caregiver makes you less "independent." Wouldn't your paycheck be equally shared?

I'm sorry OP, but I get the clear sense that you're "nudging" her back to the office, because outsourcing childcare is to your financial benefit. Your wife clearly understands no hired help will love this child as much as she does. The early foundation years are the most important years. Please reconsider your priorities and tell her you know full time parenting is the hardest, but most important job there is. This baby needs stable, competent and loving care. Now who can do that best in your situation?

Actually, a nanny is a good investment in a child's foundation years. Middle school and high school are when kids need parental supervision and encouragement.

[Anonymous]

Yes the first few years are critical in a child's life/development and yes you can employ a nanny who will be the right support for your family and provide loving care that will complement that of you the parents. Please disregard the people who project all their insecurities and strong one sided opinions unto your situation.

Having said that, a nanny agency is a good way to go though I would recommend looking at your options with various agencies. Also, you can skip the third party and interview several candidates, have a trial period with mom at home and follow up with references yourself as well as do a background check and you should find a great match.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes the first few years are critical in a child's life/development and yes you can employ a nanny who will be the right support for your family and provide loving care that will complement that of you the parents. Please disregard the people who project all their insecurities and strong one sided opinions unto your situation.

Having said that, a nanny agency is a good way to go though I would recommend looking at your options with various agencies. Also, you can skip the third party and interview several candidates, have a trial period with mom at home and follow up with references yourself as well as do a background check and you should find a great match.

Good luck!

Most nannies aren't going to stay that long. Consider yourself lucky if you get a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes the first few years are critical in a child's life/development and yes you can employ a nanny who will be the right support for your family and provide loving care that will complement that of you the parents. Please disregard the people who project all their insecurities and strong one sided opinions unto your situation.

Having said that, a nanny agency is a good way to go though I would recommend looking at your options with various agencies. Also, you can skip the third party and interview several candidates, have a trial period with mom at home and follow up with references yourself as well as do a background check and you should find a great match.

Good luck!

Most nannies aren't going to stay that long. Consider yourself lucky if you get a year.

Most nannies are looking for long-term positions. If the nanny is compensated fairly and treated adequately or well, the nanny isn't likely to be poached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes the first few years are critical in a child's life/development and yes you can employ a nanny who will be the right support for your family and provide loving care that will complement that of you the parents. Please disregard the people who project all their insecurities and strong one sided opinions unto your situation.

Having said that, a nanny agency is a good way to go though I would recommend looking at your options with various agencies. Also, you can skip the third party and interview several candidates, have a trial period with mom at home and follow up with references yourself as well as do a background check and you should find a great match.

Good luck!

Most nannies aren't going to stay that long. Consider yourself lucky if you get a year.

You must be a micromanager if you can't keep a nanny for a year or longer. I've been at my current job 3 years. I've been at other jobs for 5 plus years because the parents were great and respected me



You must

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child. Believe me, this has been considered at great length. My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides. She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home. Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby. Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s). She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life. Then something sort of changed. I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby. Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc. I don't know - it's hard to explain. It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term. (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see). The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her. It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question... We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary. That seems like a lot. But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.

Please explain how being your child's primary caregiver makes you less "independent." Wouldn't your paycheck be equally shared?

I'm sorry OP, but I get the clear sense that you're "nudging" her back to the office, because outsourcing childcare is to your financial benefit. Your wife clearly understands no hired help will love this child as much as she does. The early foundation years are the most important years. Please reconsider your priorities and tell her you know full time parenting is the hardest, but most important job there is. This baby needs stable, competent and loving care. Now who can do that best in your situation?

Sure, I'll try to explain it to you. My wife has always been a fiercely independent feminist. She never thought she'd get married, and we both were comfortable with not being married for the first 10 or so years we were together. We both liked it because you weren't "forced" to be together, but rather you had to choose to be together on a regular basis. She also never thought she'd take my name when we got married, but she did in the end b/c she wanted the whole family to have the same last name. She certainly never thought she'd want to stay home with kids.

Even after we got married and were both working, we maintained our finances separately. We shared expenses evenly. I liked this arrangement because it resulted in a zero percent chance of fighting about money. You want to buy 20 purses and shoes? Go nuts, it's not my money. I'll be buying a new playstation. We've actually, even still, never fought about money, but I liked that it eliminated this threat. She liked it b/c she always vowed she would be financially independent and not tied to a man.

Fast forward to now. We moved here for my job while she was pregnant. We opened a checking account in both of our names, into which goes my pay check, and out of which we pay all our expenses. We both have a bank card, etc. We both have a credit card that goes tot he same place and is paid out of our joint checking account.

But she was never comfortable with the arrangement. Like I mentioned, she spent the first 20 years of her life vowing she'd never get married, never be reliant on a man, and certainly never be financially dependent on a man. Even though I told her 100 times to just buy whatever she wanted or what we needed, she wouldn't.

I hope this helps paint a picture. All I ever wanted to do was help her decide to do what she really wants to do. I pushed her to apply to jobs early on when she was frustrated about not working. After she decided to go back to work, I tried to convince her not to since I saw how she cried and wringed her hands over the decision. In fact when she initially turned down the job I was getting excited about getting to brag about how she turned down such a nice job to stay home with the babe.

If I ever tried to nudge her in a way she didn't want to go, believe me it wouldn't work.

This woman is a wild mare, and all I have pretty much ever tried to do was hang on and see where this life takes me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child. Believe me, this has been considered at great length. My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides. She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home. Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby. Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s). She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life. Then something sort of changed. I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby. Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc. I don't know - it's hard to explain. It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term. (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see). The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her. It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question... We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary. That seems like a lot. But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.

Please explain how being your child's primary caregiver makes you less "independent." Wouldn't your paycheck be equally shared?

I'm sorry OP, but I get the clear sense that you're "nudging" her back to the office, because outsourcing childcare is to your financial benefit. Your wife clearly understands no hired help will love this child as much as she does. The early foundation years are the most important years. Please reconsider your priorities and tell her you know full time parenting is the hardest, but most important job there is. This baby needs stable, competent and loving care. Now who can do that best in your situation?

Sure, I'll try to explain it to you. My wife has always been a fiercely independent feminist. She never thought she'd get married, and we both were comfortable with not being married for the first 10 or so years we were together. We both liked it because you weren't "forced" to be together, but rather you had to choose to be together on a regular basis. She also never thought she'd take my name when we got married, but she did in the end b/c she wanted the whole family to have the same last name. She certainly never thought she'd want to stay home with kids.

Even after we got married and were both working, we maintained our finances separately. We shared expenses evenly. I liked this arrangement because it resulted in a zero percent chance of fighting about money. You want to buy 20 purses and shoes? Go nuts, it's not my money. I'll be buying a new playstation. We've actually, even still, never fought about money, but I liked that it eliminated this threat. She liked it b/c she always vowed she would be financially independent and not tied to a man.

Fast forward to now. We moved here for my job while she was pregnant. We opened a checking account in both of our names, into which goes my pay check, and out of which we pay all our expenses. We both have a bank card, etc. We both have a credit card that goes tot he same place and is paid out of our joint checking account.

But she was never comfortable with the arrangement. Like I mentioned, she spent the first 20 years of her life vowing she'd never get married, never be reliant on a man, and certainly never be financially dependent on a man. Even though I told her 100 times to just buy whatever she wanted or what we needed, she wouldn't.

I hope this helps paint a picture. All I ever wanted to do was help her decide to do what she really wants to do. I pushed her to apply to jobs early on when she was frustrated about not working. After she decided to go back to work, I tried to convince her not to since I saw how she cried and wringed her hands over the decision. In fact when she initially turned down the job I was getting excited about getting to brag about how she turned down such a nice job to stay home with the babe.

If I ever tried to nudge her in a way she didn't want to go, believe me it wouldn't work.

This woman is a wild mare, and all I have pretty much ever tried to do was hang on and see where this life takes me.

Your post made me smile OP. You sound like you adore your wife. I don't know why other posters are attacking you. Your wife is having normal fears and concerns that any mother has about leaving her baby. She will have them whether she goes back to work now, or if she waits 10 years. But I will say as a fellow independent feminist woman, I don't think staying home to care for your children somehow means you've hurt the cause. As feminists, we want women to have equal opportunity to do whatever it is they want. There's no reason that can't include being a stay at home mother to your child.

[Anonymous]

When I first needed to hire a nanny, I had the same fears. Then a friend told me that once I started interviewing, I would see that the real women (as opposed to the imaginary ones in my head) who applied to be nannies genuinely loved children and were dedicated to keeping them safe and happy.

She was absolutely right. Once I started talking to actual nanny candidates, I felt much better right away. I also trusted my gut if something seemed "off" about someone, and hired a person with excellent references.

I was also able to be home part time for the first couple of weeks, which may have made the nanny a little nutsy, but made me much more confident about leaving my baby when it was time.