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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child.  Believe me, this has been considered at great length.  My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides.  She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home.  Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby.  Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s).  She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life.  Then something sort of changed.  I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby.  Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc.  I don't know - it's hard to explain.  It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term.  (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see).  The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her.  It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question...  We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary.  That seems like a lot.  But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.[/quote]
Please explain how being your child's primary caregiver makes you less "independent." Wouldn't your paycheck be equally shared?

I'm sorry OP, but I get the clear sense that you're "nudging" her back to the office, because outsourcing childcare is to your financial benefit. Your wife clearly understands no hired help will love this child as much as she does. The early foundation years are the most important years. Please reconsider your priorities and tell her you know full time parenting is the hardest, but most important job there is. This baby needs stable, competent and loving care. Now who can do that best in your situation?[/quote]

Sure, I'll try to explain it to you.  My wife has always been a fiercely independent feminist.  She never thought she'd get married, and we both were comfortable with not being married for the first 10 or so years we were together.  We both liked it because you weren't "forced" to be together, but rather you had to choose to be together on a regular basis.  She also never thought she'd take my name when we got married, but she did in the end b/c she wanted the whole family to have the same last name.  She certainly never thought she'd want to stay home with kids.

Even after we got married and were both working, we maintained our finances separately.  We shared expenses evenly.  I liked this arrangement because it resulted in a zero percent chance of fighting about money.  You want to buy 20 purses and shoes?  Go nuts, it's not my money.  I'll be buying a new playstation.  We've actually, even still, never fought about money, but I liked that it eliminated this threat.  She liked it b/c she always vowed she would be financially independent and not tied to a man.

Fast forward to now.  We moved here for my job while she was pregnant.  We opened a checking account in both of our names, into which goes my pay check, and out of which we pay all our expenses.  We both have a bank card, etc.  We both have a credit card that goes tot he same place and is paid out of our joint checking account.

But she was never comfortable with the arrangement.  Like I mentioned, she spent the first 20 years of her life vowing she'd never get married, never be reliant on a man, and certainly never be financially dependent on a man.  Even though I told her 100 times to just buy whatever she wanted or what we needed, she wouldn't.

I hope this helps paint a picture.  All I ever wanted to do was help her decide to do what she really wants to do.  I pushed her to apply to jobs early on when she was frustrated about not working.  After she decided to go back to work, I tried to convince her not to since I saw how she cried and wringed her hands over the decision.  In fact when she initially turned down the job I was getting excited about getting to brag about how she turned down such a nice job to stay home with the babe.

If I ever tried to nudge her in a way she didn't want to go, believe me it wouldn't work.

This woman is a wild mare, and all I have pretty much ever tried to do was hang on and see where this life takes me.[/quote]

Your post made me smile OP. You sound like you adore your wife. I don't know why other posters are attacking you. Your wife is having normal fears and concerns that any mother has about leaving her baby. She will have them whether she goes back to work now, or if she waits 10 years. But I will say as a fellow independent feminist woman, I don't think staying home to care for your children somehow means you've hurt the cause. As feminists, we want women to have equal opportunity to do [b]whatever[/b] it is they want. There's no reason that can't include being a stay at home mother to your child.[/quote]

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