Mom is worried about hiring a nanny b/c no one else will be there

[Anonymous]

As someone who worked in a daycare, I would never take my child to one. These workers are hardly screened. My center had largely wonderful people, but a few rotten apples. One of which a toddlers leg was mysteriously broken while she was alone with him. Some people were yellers.

If yiu do your due diligence, your will get someone wonderful and absolutely more vetted that the human resource mills at daycare centers it's a merry go round of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone for the (mostly) helpful replies.

Re: my wife staying home and caring for the child. Believe me, this has been considered at great length. My wife knows I am behind her 100% no matter what she decides. She actually turned down the job at first because she thought she wanted to stay home. Only after she turned it down did she realize that she did want to continue her career, even though it would be painful at first to leave the baby. Luckily they took her after she reconsidered.

She has always been career-minded and independent and she never thought she'd want to stay home with kid(s). She continued to feel that way for the first 3 months of baby's life. Then something sort of changed. I think it has to do with the fact that she had to completely devote herself to the baby. Learning breast-feeding, figuring out what she needs all the time, etc. I don't know - it's hard to explain. It's almost like she totally immersed herself in the baby-life that she almost couldn't imagine anything else.

She's still uncertain whether she wants to work or stay home long term. (I think once she gets back to work she will realize she misses that part of her life, but we'll see). The coming year at this job should answer that once and for all for her. It's basically her dream job at a prestigious place that will allow her to almost pick her next job, if she wants to keep working.

Next Noob question... We're using a nanny agency, whose fee is apparently 10% of the nanny's first year gross salary. That seems like a lot. But probably worth it, just wondering if that's pretty much normal?

Thanks again all.

Please explain how being your child's primary caregiver makes you less "independent." Wouldn't your paycheck be equally shared?

I'm sorry OP, but I get the clear sense that you're "nudging" her back to the office, because outsourcing childcare is to your financial benefit. Your wife clearly understands no hired help will love this child as much as she does. The early foundation years are the most important years. Please reconsider your priorities and tell her you know full time parenting is the hardest, but most important job there is. This baby needs stable, competent and loving care. Now who can do that best in your situation?

Actually, a nanny is a good investment in a child's foundation years. Middle school and high school are when kids need parental supervision and encouragement.

"A nanny..."? Only if she's stable, competent and loving. Most simply aren't, but maybe you're going for two out of three.

[Anonymous]

I had always assumed that when I had kids they would go to daycare, because I'm the primary breadwinner while DH has his own business, it's definitely not as stable as my job. About halfway through my pregnancy, I mentioned looking at daycares, and DH said absolutely not. In his family, all the mom's had always stayed home with the kids, and while he knew that this wasn't possible for us, he wanted our kids to have a nanny to have dedicated care in the early years. Looking back, I'm very glad that he pushed for that route because it's been great.

Our first nanny was a referral from a close co-worker who used her as her weekend sitter and knew she was looking for a full-time position. She was great and worked for us for almost 3 years before leaving the nanny profession for optometry. Our second nanny I found on Care.com. For the first couple of years she was great, unfortunately she decided to go back to school full time and wasn't able to really juggle the course load and working full time, so it was actually a relief when she quit a year ago.

Our current nanny I found on Sitttercity.com. She is amazing with the kids and helps keep everything running very smoothly in the house. I learned more in the interviewing process this time. Our current nanny is by far the most professional of the 3. She was the only candidate who showed up with her resume and reference letters without me having to request it. She let me know in advance what tasks she was willing to do (laundry, changing kids sheets, etc) and what she was not comfortable with (cooking anything more adventurous than pasta or frozen chicken tenders, etc).

If you do want to forgo the agency, it is possible to find good nannies on your local listserv or Care.com or Sittercity.com, however you will definitely need to weed through a lot more applicants to find them. I had so many people apply for the job despite clearly not fitting the job requirements (we needed someone with their own transportation, who was available until 6pm everyday, etc). It was frustrating, but luckily we had more notice this past time and weren't rushed to find someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm new here, and totally new at all this so be gentle!

My wife has just decided to go back to work, and our only option at this point appears to be getting a nanny. My wife thinks she would prefer a day care, but we didn't get on waiting lists early enough so that's not an option really.

Her main reasoning is, she's scared to leave the baby (6 1/2 months) alone with just one person. She feels like there's "safety in numbers" at a day care.

I guess she's worried about a "bad" person slipping through the cracks and being in a position to neglect or even hurt the child.

I know this probably sounds crazy and like over-protective first-time parent paranoia, which I'm sure it is.

But did anyone else feel this way? Any words of encouragement to make her/us feel better about leaving her with a nanny?

Honestly, almost everyone I know who went with daycare over a nanny cited this as their main reason. It's not crazy or paranoid to worry about that. The only way you deal with it is to vet potential nannies enough that you feel like you can trust them--checking references, or going through a reputable agency that conducts background checks, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I was afraid to hire a nanny for the same reasons. But now I love my nanny and totally trust her. Do I trust other nannies (including the back-up we hired in a pinch) - nope. But my nanny is lovely and I don't worry at all while I'm work. The other commenter is right - meeting the real candidates & talking to their references makes a world of difference.

And day care- well, that's no guarantee! I initially enrolled my 3MO in a very expensive, well-regarded day care, but I was not satisfied with the level of care provided. Was my baby going to be beaten to death at the day care- most certainly not, but that's a pretty low bar. The level of care that my nanny provides is far, far better than what was provided at day care. It wasn't that the people at day care didn't care, they just didn't have enough hands or time to provide the same level of care to my child, because they were watching 4 infants at once!

For me the nanny (in a nanny share) was the way to go. And I have much better peace of mind with the nanny then I did with the day care, which I never would have thought possible because I had the same thoughts as your partner.