In rematch hell

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. That sucks. I'm glad no one was hurt. How does insurance work for that one? And if you don't mind sharing with fellow host moms, what are you going to do differently based on this experience?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sympathetic. I am. We are the one with the AP who drank and drove and crashed the car and lied, and we still didn't rematch right away. We waited until the SECOND accident, a week later, before rematching. Just writing that makes me sick to my stomach.

SO I'm definitely not pointing at you alone or even primarily when I say this, but please can we all print out OP's posting from above about how she was trying to be nice (to an irresponsible AP) and use that as a reminder of what we are doing here? We are inviting APs into our home to be part of our family IN EXCHANGE FOR RESPONSIBLE AND SAFE CHILDCARE AND FOR BEING KIND AND THOUGHTFUL HOUSEHOLD MEMBERS. This AP failed at all those things miserably - WEEKS AGO. So did our AP from the summer. So why are we HMs STILL "trying to be nice?" Have we internalized the message of the troll on this board that all HPs are evil and are overcompensating? I mean, come on. It was NICE ENOUGH that OP was still housing this girl three weeks later, but to give her her personal car to go to Baltimore? Let's all please take a lesson from this.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I feel sorry for our next AP because nice HM is gone. I HAD internalized all the crap about how we are exploiting these girls and I did not want to be that person. She was not my niece, she was not family. It is a joke the lengths I went to give her the best possible experience in every aspect, to my own detriment clearly.

Insurance... So the final assessment will be made today about how much we get for the car. AP is not leaving until she pays the $500 deductible but we are going to get hosed anyway. Husband thinks we might get non-renewal over this. Other car was very high end so this is going to "hurt" insurance co to pay out damages. Sigh.

I am on phone typing so I can share more thoughts later.

I have to remind myself that AP1 was wonderful for us and we do believe that AP3 will redeem this hot mess with AP2. But I am done treating these girls like special cargo that I am entrusted with. I will be cordial and inclusive but with way more boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sympathetic. I am. We are the one with the AP who drank and drove and crashed the car and lied, and we still didn't rematch right away. We waited until the SECOND accident, a week later, before rematching. Just writing that makes me sick to my stomach.

SO I'm definitely not pointing at you alone or even primarily when I say this, but please can we all print out OP's posting from above about how she was trying to be nice (to an irresponsible AP) and use that as a reminder of what we are doing here? We are inviting APs into our home to be part of our family IN EXCHANGE FOR RESPONSIBLE AND SAFE CHILDCARE AND FOR BEING KIND AND THOUGHTFUL HOUSEHOLD MEMBERS. This AP failed at all those things miserably - WEEKS AGO. So did our AP from the summer. So why are we HMs STILL "trying to be nice?" Have we internalized the message of the troll on this board that all HPs are evil and are overcompensating? I mean, come on. It was NICE ENOUGH that OP was still housing this girl three weeks later, but to give her her personal car to go to Baltimore? Let's all please take a lesson from this.

Another host mom here who had a similar experience of giving and giving and worrying and worrying and trying to be nice and nicer and nicer and just getting more and more screwed until finally the year ended. Looking back in so many things WHY in earth did I out up with what I did? Why did I consistently out my au pair's feelings and expectations above the needs of my family and sometimes even the safety of my kids? OP, you are not alone. I completely get why you have her the car in her last day. Probably trying to at least end on a high note. Totally get it. Been there.

I can't tell you the number of times I've read other host mom's situations and thought "KICK HER OUT! Duh!!" But it's so so hard when you're in it to see when the line has been crossed and when you just need to accept that it's not working. It's like that boiling frog analogy.

I do think this poster is right - and I hope to come back to this thread and get a reminder of what is really important. Yes, I will thoroughly extend my home and my life and any comforts needed to an au pair who meets me in the middle. Happily. Been there twice and it's been lovely. But I too will never again hesitate to cut the cord early if it's not working. AP #5 (no rematches yet though) arriving shortly. Fingers crossed that she's as great as #4!

[Anonymous]

Oh my God...I'm so sorry to hear that, OP. This is exactly what I was talking about with my first AP. I was nice, nice, nice and it blew up in my face. The extra 2 week stay allowed her to ruin the holidays for my own family, not to mention my son's bday party as she cried in my living room in front of our guests.

With her, I gave and gave...did everything I could to make her experience a good one...even loading my son in the car at 3am one Saturday night when she called me crying that her new "friends" had abandoned her at a party and she had no way to get home. I bent over backwards to avoid being a "mean" HM. And guess what? The second I said "no" to something (as you remember from my previous post about her boyfriend and the airport), we were magically in rematch! But I'm so glad I stood my ground on that one. Being overly nice got me nowhere with these ungrateful girls, other than completely stressed out.

One question, OP...does the Au Pair company take any responsibility here? They were the ones who asked that she stay longer than the time period stated in their own guidelines...and this accident happened during that requested extra time...so can they not take some of the blame/financial hit? It should at least show them how much of an imposition it is on families to continue housing these unfit Au Pairs while they scramble to make a cost-effective (for their company) rematch.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

AP's flight is now Monday. She's not staying here though. Husband is driving her to a fellow AP's house later tonight to stay there until then.

Our LCC has been pretty good through all of this, I have to say. When I called her on Monday to tell her about the accident and said, "Now what?!" She pretty much sprung into action. So I give her a lot of credit.

The agency is saying now that if AP doesn't pay the deductible, THEY will pay it. I said I want that in writing. We'll see. I am really skeptical about us seeing the $ from AP or the agency, and I'm just going to be stuck with the bill. Ugh.

We're not even bothering with the match closure worksheet. I'd love to see her ask for the vacation days payout and heaven help her if she asks for the educational stipend ($500). HA HA HA.

I feel a little loopy at this point. I have no childcare, I have to find a new car, I am dealing with insurance adjusters and police and impound lots and this girl is STILL IN MY HOUSE. Good grief, I cannot wait to see the door close behind her later tonight.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really think you should talk more to the LCC about getting some kind of help from the company, should this turn into a major expense for your family. The company (really, the LCC) is supposed to house the Au Pair past the 2 week stay if they don't want to send her home (or right after rematch if, in your case, there is a safety issue and you don't want her in the house anymore).

Fine for them to make up the deductible if she skips out on it. But I think they should do more. Speak to a lawyer about this. They asked you to continue housing her after their OWN 2 week limit and this accident would not have occurred otherwise. If the company won't help you out, I would seek legal action. Make sure your insurance company knows about this situation, too. They might be more willing to help you out.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Definitely appreciate the advice and agree that it's something to consider. In the next 24 hours, we'll have more clarity around how this is all going to play out financially.

I can easily absorb the $500 hit, though I don't like it and don't think it's fair. What is more painful is the impact on my job, sanity, potential insurance rate hike, finding a replacement vehicle, blah blah blah...

I should write a book on this experience. We should all come together and each write a chapter!

[Anonymous]

You can "absorb" a hose of water sprayed on you, too...but there's no reason for that. Or any of this.

Remember that the company will do anything they can to rematch these APs, no matter how unfit they are to care for children, because it costs them a lot more to send the AP home. You were completely within your rights to ask the LCC to house her because in your case, there was a safety issue. That's part of the LCC's job. The company asking you to keep her in your home, especially past the two week rematch period, is an alarming trend...one that a lot of us have experienced due to the "guilt trip" and trying to be accommodating. Why? They're not doing the same for us! We're the paying client!

What if the kids HAD been in the car with her? What if she had gotten one of them hurt while overstaying her contractual time in your home? These are all questions that you and the company need to consider before it is brushed off as a "lesson learned." The company owes you some help if the accident ends up being expensive for you.

The more I think about this, the angrier I get. I probably should have gotten some kind of refund from CC, since after 2 rematches, I only got about 5 combined months of sub-par childcare (and a whole lotta stress)!

[Anonymous]

The agency is making AP pay for her flight home, so they are not out of pocket on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The agency is making AP pay for her flight home, so they are not out of pocket on that.

OP, is this because they had a family who wanted to take her but she refused? I thought if a family weren't found that the agency paid, but maybe I'm wrong? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's because she refused all the offered rematches. Time after time, she found some issue.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am so sorry about your hellish experience but I thank you for sharing it with all of us! Wow. I am learning a lot through your experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Definitely appreciate the advice and agree that it's something to consider. In the next 24 hours, we'll have more clarity around how this is all going to play out financially.

I can easily absorb the $500 hit, though I don't like it and don't think it's fair. What is more painful is the impact on my job, sanity, potential insurance rate hike, finding a replacement vehicle, blah blah blah...

I should write a book on this experience. We should all come together and each write a chapter!

you must have tons of money to be able to afford a high end car. A $500 deductible is not something you can legally claim from ap. You must have known that.
The $500 educational stipend is in contract and therefoe not charity

[Anonymous]

08:23 ... uh, excuse me?

OP here.

Why on earth do you think I have a high end car? Where did I say that? AP was driving my 2007 Toyota Corolla. We're not rich. We're a normal middle class family.

I have news for you: right on the agreement that is signed by Au Pair, LCC, and us as host parents, there is a whole section about liability of AP in the event that she causes a collision in a host family vehicle. The current stipulation is up to $500 if that is the deductible (in our case, it is). She totaled my car. Found at fault. She pays the deductible. Period.

Per APIA official agreement:
We understand it is our responsibility to consult an insurance agent regarding the insurance coverage that may be either required by state law or advisable for our situation. The Host family MUST assess the driving ability of the au pair/companion before granting permission to operate a vehicle, and adequate automobile insurance coverage must be in place if the au pair/companion operates a motor vehicle. We agree to limit any claim against the au pair/companion for uninsured damages resulting from operation of a motor vehicle to a maximum of $500.

Here's some commentary from AuPairMom for anyone wanting to read up on it:
http://aupairmom.com/when-your-au-pair-has-a-fender-bender-who-pays-and-what-and-how/2008/09/24/celiaharquail/

The $500 educational stipend IS in the contract and I would have paid it IF she was going to remain in our home and obtain any education. But she's returning to Germany. Sooooo... there's no need to pay the educational stipend. She didn't GET an education.