bar/bat mitzvah etiquette

[Anonymous]

It is the year of the bar/bat mitzvah, we are not Jewish and need some help understanding expectations. DD is starting to get invitations (already gotten two -- both are classmates - she does not feel particularly close to either). She has several Jewish friends, so we expect to receive several. Please advise on the following:

- Gift -- what is an appropriate gift? If she cannot attend, does she need to send a gift?
- We are Christian and regularly attend church, so she has plenty of church dresses and some party type dresses. I'm wondering about dresses for these events. What do the kids wear?
- Is it appropriate for her to skip the temple/service part of the event and only go to the party, or is that frowned upon? How long is the service? (One invite allows for this possibility; one does not).
- We, the parents, are not invited, which is fine. So I'm assuming my kid will just call me at the end of the night and tell me when to pick her up. Invite says nothing about this...

What else do we need to know? TIA!

[Anonymous]

Gift- whatever you wish, it’s traditionally to give $ in multiples of $18 but you can do whatever you want.
Attire- what she’d wear to church is probably fine for a temple.
It’s frowned upon to skip the ceremony and just do the party but if you have an actual conflict what can you do.
You can just ask the parents what time pick up is. Usually the ceremony ends by lunch and most have a simple lunch following the ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Many of the parties in our circle invite the whole class so it’s in large part a fun social occasion for all the kids. If your child is invited to the service they should attend. It is rude to only attend the party. Pretty typical for parents not to be invited, unless you’re family friends. Either set a time when you will come pick her up or have her call/text you at an appointed time to set up the pick up.
Services can range in length depending on a number of factors - type of synagogue, time of year, number of bar/bat mitzvah children (there can sometimes be more than one!), time of service. In all but the more conservative and orthodox temples (and for those they’d be less likely to invite “outsiders” the service will run 1-1.5 hours most of the time and for the kids it’s a pretty casual affair. You’ll see kids congregating in groups at the back of the temple or just outside in the oneg room or other anteroom, kids running in and out etc. As someone who grew up attending church I was surprised by how “informal” even my conservative in-laws temples could feel. Also warn her that in some places women and girls sit separately from men and boys.
A church appropriate dress is fine. Many kids will change for the party if there is a break between but not all. For the service I’d have her wear ballet flats or sandals or other nicer shoes depending on the season. All the kids were fashion sneakers now for the parties, usually with short “trendy” dresses. Some parties will stipulate a dress code or ask the kids to wear something related to a theme, etc. if they don’t have her wear a party dress and bring something to cover her shoulders for temple.
An appropriate gift is money (in the form of a check) ij multiples of 18. You don’t need to give a gift if you don’t attend unless it’s a close friend. 18 symbolizes “chai” or life in Hebrew so it is the typical amount given. We usually give $36 or $54 for a classmate acquaintance and more for a closer friend. There are lots of bar/bat mitzvah cards available, get those and have your child write a nice note.
I’m a shiksa who married a Jewish guy with a huge extended family of varying religiosity. I have 3 kids - one who went through this 1-2 years ago, one whose turn is going to start this year, and one who has a few years to go.

[Anonymous]

A lot depends on the particular sect of Judaism but generally your child should go to the service. Church attire is fine for Temple. For the actual party, think teenage cocktail attire.

No need to send a gift if you’re not attending as a friend (family is different)

[Anonymous]

You can reach out to the family to ask how long the service is, or ask around. At our temple the service starts at 9:30am and is over at around 12 or 12:15 (we are conservative). Key part where the kid participates is in the middle, maybe 10:15-11:30.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Most kids aren’t sitting through anything - they’re running around in groups outside of the sanctuary, sneaking snacks and just having fun. Most will sit while their friend reads their Torah portion but otherwise they aren’t sitting there. If the whole family is invited it would be ok for just an adult to attend but someone should definitely go to the service and not just the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Kids and adults tend to take breaks and talk outside and then come back in at temples where the service is 3 hours. Also the service may not be 3 hours (services at reform temples will be shorter). When my kids complain about being bored at temple, I always remind them that it is good for their brains to be bored sometimes.

[Anonymous]

- Gift -- what is an appropriate gift? If she cannot attend, does she need to send a gift?

Whatever you're comfortable with. I do multiples of 18. If just the kid is invited, I do $54 or $72, depending on how close.

- We are Christian and regularly attend church, so she has plenty of church dresses and some party type dresses. I'm wondering about dresses for these events. What do the kids wear?

Church dresses are good for the service. It's best if the shoulders are covered.
For the party, I see a lot of homecoming type dresses - often short and tight, or skater style. With nice sneakers.

- Is it appropriate for her to skip the temple/service part of the event and only go to the party, or is that frowned upon? How long is the service? (One invite allows for this possibility; one does not).

It's not ideal to skip the service. I have adult friends who thought a bar mitzvah was just a big over the top bday party. And yes, the party often is, but the service is a LOT of work for the kid and an important milestone. Embrace the teaching moment and support the friend.

- We, the parents, are not invited, which is fine. So I'm assuming my kid will just call me at the end of the night and tell me when to pick her up. Invite says nothing about this...

We put an end time on the invite (it's often 7-11). But you can ask the parents so you can plan ahead.

-What else do we need to know? TIA!

It's (likely) ok for you to attend the service too. That's open to anyone, and it would be great for you to learn what it's all about. No cell phones or electronics during the service. Stand when others stand, sit when they sit. Be respectful and supportive. Ask questions! They know plenty of their guests are new to this and should be happy to answer any questions you might have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Kids and adults tend to take breaks and talk outside and then come back in at temples where the service is 3 hours. Also the service may not be 3 hours (services at reform temples will be shorter). When my kids complain about being bored at temple, I always remind them that it is good for their brains to be bored sometimes.

Really? I’m a wasp but my sibling married someone who is Jewish. Their three kids had bar and bat mitzhahs at a reformed temple. The kids were definitely not running around and playing outside. They were sitting in the pews or chairs and listening and participating. Are you talking about four year olds or the middle school peers? I also dated a Jewish guy and went to services with him and never noticed this phenomenon of kids running in and out and playing. I can’t imagine it’s a good idea for a Christian 13 year old to show up and run in and out of the service.

Services started at 930 and were over around noon. One thing I did learn is that it’s ok to show up around ten. I showed up around 915 for the first one, since in my religion you are supposed to get to church early. That was totally unnecessary.

It is considered poor form to skip the service and go to the party.

[Anonymous]

- Gift -- what is an appropriate gift? If she cannot attend, does she need to send a gift? - yes, she should send/give a gift regardless of whether or not she attends. Have class, you know? People here seem to think a $10 giftcard to Starbucks is fine. I do not. If only the child is invited we send them with a check for $72 if not a close friend and $180 if a close friend. We do not give giftcards. This is not an average birthday.

- We are Christian and regularly attend church, so she has plenty of church dresses and some party type dresses. I'm wondering about dresses for these events. What do the kids wear? Girls wear dresses - some wear Converse sneakers and some wear modest heels. Shoulders should be covered. Dress should go down to at least right above knees.

- Is it appropriate for her to skip the temple/service part of the event and only go to the party, or is that frowned upon? How long is the service? (One invite allows for this possibility; one does not). Absolutely not. Do not skip the service - THAT is the bar/bat mitzvah! It would be such a huge slap in the face to only attend the reception. Anywhere from an hour to two hours, depending on the temple. She can ask the kid.

- We, the parents, are not invited, which is fine. So I'm assuming my kid will just call me at the end of the night and tell me when to pick her up. Invite says nothing about this... - she can ask the kid when it ends and tell you, so you know what time to pick up. Ideally she knows some other kids going so you can get a carpool going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Kids and adults tend to take breaks and talk outside and then come back in at temples where the service is 3 hours. Also the service may not be 3 hours (services at reform temples will be shorter). When my kids complain about being bored at temple, I always remind them that it is good for their brains to be bored sometimes.

I think the three-hour services are only at Orthodox temples. I've gone to dozens of Saturday morning services at both Reform and Conservative temples and they've never hit even two hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Kids and adults tend to take breaks and talk outside and then come back in at temples where the service is 3 hours. Also the service may not be 3 hours (services at reform temples will be shorter). When my kids complain about being bored at temple, I always remind them that it is good for their brains to be bored sometimes.

I think the three-hour services are only at Orthodox temples. I've gone to dozens of Saturday morning services at both Reform and Conservative temples and they've never hit even two hours.

I’m not sure where you are from. I was raised around here in a conservative synagogue and go to a different conservative synagogue as an adult. I had friends as a kid ate very conservative synagogue in the area. All of my siblings and cousins go to different conservative synagogues. Every one has a service 2.5-3 hours.

[Anonymous]

We give $36 to a classmate and $54 to a best friend. My kids (3) were each invited to a dozen plus and didn't have have $1k a year available for Bar/bat Mitzvah gifts.

[Anonymous]

My kids often got non monetary gifts from their friends ...and were thrilled!