bar/bat mitzvah etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Most kids aren’t sitting through anything - they’re running around in groups outside of the sanctuary, sneaking snacks and just having fun. Most will sit while their friend reads their Torah portion but otherwise they aren’t sitting there. If the whole family is invited it would be ok for just an adult to attend but someone should definitely go to the service and not just the party.

This was last year for DD and she attended more than a dozen and no one was running around outside during the service. Yes you need to sit through it but you can also take breaks by leaving the room if your child is particularly fidgety. DD did say some boys known to have ADHD took multiple "breaks" but it was always alone and in a respectful way.

[Anonymous]

My niece was 13 last year and I was asking my SIL about how many kids skipped the service and just went to the party. She said that in reality it happens a lot and it depends on if you invite the whole class or just good friends. My niece only invited her close friends and a few skipped the morning service and only came to the party. All explained why beforehand to my niece and she understood.

Most kids have their own activities on Saturday mornings and can’t skip them since they have teammates etc who are counting on them. I know for us this year my 11 year-old doesn’t have a free Saturday morning for months. Most people are reasonable and understand. We plan to have the kids skip Saturday activities for really good friends, but let them just go to the evening party for casual acquaintances. They kids do not want to have fewer kids at their evening parties because of morning conflicts. Kids don’t think like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Most kids aren’t sitting through anything - they’re running around in groups outside of the sanctuary, sneaking snacks and just having fun. Most will sit while their friend reads their Torah portion but otherwise they aren’t sitting there. If the whole family is invited it would be ok for just an adult to attend but someone should definitely go to the service and not just the party.

This was last year for DD and she attended more than a dozen and no one was running around outside during the service. Yes you need to sit through it but you can also take breaks by leaving the room if your child is particularly fidgety. DD did say some boys known to have ADHD took multiple "breaks" but it was always alone and in a respectful way.

I agree. I have never seen kids running around a synagogue or snacking during a service. Please do not tell your child this is the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Most kids aren’t sitting through anything - they’re running around in groups outside of the sanctuary, sneaking snacks and just having fun. Most will sit while their friend reads their Torah portion but otherwise they aren’t sitting there. If the whole family is invited it would be ok for just an adult to attend but someone should definitely go to the service and not just the party.

This was last year for DD and she attended more than a dozen and no one was running around outside during the service. Yes you need to sit through it but you can also take breaks by leaving the room if your child is particularly fidgety. DD did say some boys known to have ADHD took multiple "breaks" but it was always alone and in a respectful way.

I agree. I have never seen kids running around a synagogue or snacking during a service. Please do not tell your child this is the norm.

Agree. Little kids might be running around and occasionally snacking. But not the tweens.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

Some of my kid's school friends gave her cash or checks, but she also got gift cards, jewelry, squishmallows, favorite candy, and gifts related to a hobby which were all more interesting. Relatives and older people will give $ which is appreciated down the road, but friends giving more regular birthday type gifts was fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Most kids aren’t sitting through anything - they’re running around in groups outside of the sanctuary, sneaking snacks and just having fun. Most will sit while their friend reads their Torah portion but otherwise they aren’t sitting there. If the whole family is invited it would be ok for just an adult to attend but someone should definitely go to the service and not just the party.

This was last year for DD and she attended more than a dozen and no one was running around outside during the service. Yes you need to sit through it but you can also take breaks by leaving the room if your child is particularly fidgety. DD did say some boys known to have ADHD took multiple "breaks" but it was always alone and in a respectful way.

I agree. I have never seen kids running around a synagogue or snacking during a service. Please do not tell your child this is the norm.

I see it every single time I go to synagogue, even at other synagogues. Very common. Not in orthodox temples but in reform and more relaxed conservative, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

She can wear the same dress to multiple parties-- buy two and alternate.

As for gifts, we often buy initial necklaces in the $50 range from Anthro or similar, which have been a big hit. Jewelry is tough so include a gift receipt. Gift cards are fine too. The kids will get checks from all of their relatives so nice to get some actual gifts too! My niece got a huge haul of chocolate bars from a friend and I think it was her favorite gift.

[Anonymous]

1) The service is open to the community. You can attend that with your child if you are interested. The service is the meaningful part of the day and its a little insulting if your kid skips it in favor of the party because the child has prepared for a year or more. The Bar or Bat Mitzvah child will lead the service including reading from the Old Testament in Hebrew, delivering a speech interpreting it, and sharing reflections on growing up.
2) In my expereince, the kids all sit together and are pretty well behaved, with occaisional shushing from adults around them. Dress as you would for any religious occaision - conservatively. Typically, no bare shoulders for girls and suits or khakis and blazers for boys.
3) The pick ups and drop offs are usually well organized by the host families, particualrly at the evening parties. Carpools are often formed among the parents of other classmates going so you can share the driving.

[Anonymous]

Don't let your child skip the service unless it's some really legit conflict. I don't know where some of these posters are that they think this is okay but it is not normal in our area. One of my child's best friends had a pretty big event and only three kids out of many dozen skipped the ceremony but went to the party.

The first was a child whose family does not believe in the covid vaccine. The synagogue required a vax card.
Then a child who works at his family business Saturday mornings and the last one was at a championship sports event that was something like a state gymnastics final. All the other kids skipped league games and other commitments if they attended the party. I'm sure there were some kids who declined both if they were not close friends.

[Anonymous]

Hi there!
You’ve gotten mostly a consensus, which is great. I’ll agree with other posters and say:
-gift is usually a check but it is totally ok to do jewelry or a gc or something your child knows the mitzvah child will like. You can also do a nice jewelry box or tray, etc. Ideally something more lasting than a regular birthday gift but anything will be appreciated and appropriate. Bring the gift/check to the party, not the ceremony. No gift necessary if not attending but you may still want to give one if a close friend (similar to what you’d do for a wedding).
-Also like a wedding you want to make an effort to go to the ceremony if possible but bonafide conflicts are obviously understood.
-church dresses will be totally fine for the ceremony (shoulders covered). Short party/cocktail dresses with Nikes or other clean fashion sneakers are the trend for parties.
-As for pick up time, you may get more info from the family closer to the event about pick up time / transportation, etc after you’ve RSVPd. If not, do not hesitate to reach out and ask. Usually services are over around noon but there’s sometimes a short bagel brunch on-site after. Evening parties tend to be 4 hrs or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my kids can sit through a 3 hour service. Could one adult attend the service instead and the rest join later at the party?

Most kids aren’t sitting through anything - they’re running around in groups outside of the sanctuary, sneaking snacks and just having fun. Most will sit while their friend reads their Torah portion but otherwise they aren’t sitting there. If the whole family is invited it would be ok for just an adult to attend but someone should definitely go to the service and not just the party.

This was last year for DD and she attended more than a dozen and no one was running around outside during the service. Yes you need to sit through it but you can also take breaks by leaving the room if your child is particularly fidgety. DD did say some boys known to have ADHD took multiple "breaks" but it was always alone and in a respectful way.

I agree. I have never seen kids running around a synagogue or snacking during a service. Please do not tell your child this is the norm.

I see it every single time I go to synagogue, even at other synagogues. Very common. Not in orthodox temples but in reform and more relaxed conservative, absolutely.

My reform service is usually less than 1 hour. I have only seen small children taken out of they are disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

Yes, it's gauche to give a giftcard under even regular circumstances. Plus, this is NOT a regular birthday party. We always give a check, or send our kids with a check.

[Anonymous]

Typical gifts include:
cash or check in increments of $18
gift cards
jewlery
things that last -- jewlery box, nice belt buckle, even a meaningful book

[Anonymous]

Don't skip the service! We went to one for my son's friend (we are not Jewish) and it was really cool. It was a good way to learn more about his friend (who we have known for a long time). It was only around an hour and fifteen minutes long. Even DS, who is not great at sitting still, thought it was worthwhile.