Reply to bar/bat mitzvah etiquette

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[quote=Anonymous]Many of the parties in our circle invite the whole class so it’s in large part a fun social occasion for all the kids. If your child is invited to the service they should attend. It is rude to only attend the party. Pretty typical for parents not to be invited, unless you’re family friends. Either set a time when you will come pick her up or have her call/text you at an appointed time to set up the pick up. 
Services can  range in length depending on a number of factors - type of synagogue, time of year, number of bar/bat mitzvah children (there can sometimes be more than one!), time of service. In all but the more conservative and orthodox temples (and for those they’d be less likely to invite “outsiders” the service will run 1-1.5 hours most of the time and for the kids it’s a pretty casual affair. You’ll see kids congregating in groups at the back of the temple or just outside in the oneg room or other anteroom, kids running in and out etc. As someone who grew up attending church I was surprised by how “informal” even my conservative in-laws temples could feel. Also warn her that in some places women and girls sit separately from men and boys.
A church appropriate dress is fine. Many kids will change for the party if there is a break between but not all. For the service I’d have her wear ballet flats or sandals or other nicer shoes depending on the season. All the kids were fashion sneakers now for the parties, usually with short “trendy” dresses. Some parties will stipulate a dress code or ask the kids to wear something related to a theme, etc. if they don’t have her wear a party dress and bring something to cover her shoulders for temple. 
An appropriate gift is money (in the form of a check) ij multiples of 18. You don’t need to give a gift if you don’t attend unless it’s a close friend. 18 symbolizes “chai” or life in Hebrew so it is the typical amount given. We usually give $36 or $54 for a classmate acquaintance and more for a closer friend. There are lots of bar/bat mitzvah cards available, get those and have your child write a nice note. 
I’m a shiksa who married a Jewish guy with a huge extended family of varying religiosity. I have 3 kids - one who went through this 1-2 years ago, one whose turn is going to start this year, and one who has a few years to go. [/quote]

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