bar/bat mitzvah etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece was 13 last year and I was asking my SIL about how many kids skipped the service and just went to the party. She said that in reality it happens a lot and it depends on if you invite the whole class or just good friends. My niece only invited her close friends and a few skipped the morning service and only came to the party. All explained why beforehand to my niece and she understood.

Most kids have their own activities on Saturday mornings and can’t skip them since they have teammates etc who are counting on them. I know for us this year my 11 year-old doesn’t have a free Saturday morning for months. Most people are reasonable and understand. We plan to have the kids skip Saturday activities for really good friends, but let them just go to the evening party for casual acquaintances. They kids do not want to have fewer kids at their evening parties because of morning conflicts. Kids don’t think like that.

I really don't know any child who went to regular activities like a baseball game, skipped the service and then partied in the evening. It's tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

I usually give a check for $54 if only my kid is invited and it's a friend but not a super good friend.

[Anonymous]

What about these casual invites tossed around in class? Like, a whole group is invited to the party in the evening but no one intends to go to the service. It's not even expected by the kid doing the inviting. He just wants more people at the party in the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We give $36 to a classmate and $54 to a best friend. My kids (3) were each invited to a dozen plus and didn't have have $1k a year available for Bar/bat Mitzvah gifts.

+1 This is completely consistent with what DD received from friends when she became a Bat Mitzvah last year.

For her close friends, DD also
picked out something small/inexpensive but personal to go with the check. Some close friends reciprocated the personal gesture, some did not, and it was all fine!

I seriously want to emphasize that no one’s judging or keeping tabs on the amount of people’s gifts, at least not in our circles. Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are incredibly meaningful to the families. Having our kids’ friends there to support them and celebrate with them is EVERYTHING!! The gift they bring is symbolic more than anything else. ($36 is perfect in our crowd and very much appreciated!!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

I usually give a check for $54 if only my kid is invited and it's a friend but not a super good friend.

Gift cards to Sephora or Nordstrom would be great in our crowd. Completely welcome, not at all gauche. Same for a necklace or bracelet. If you know what the child likes, go for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

I usually give a check for $54 if only my kid is invited and it's a friend but not a super good friend.

Gift cards to Sephora or Nordstrom would be great in our crowd. Completely welcome, not at all gauche. Same for a necklace or bracelet. If you know what the child likes, go for it!

Pro Tip:

The bar/bar mitzvah kid often gets a lot of cash, and many parents (like us) manage them saving a large percentage of it. Gift cards, however, can only be spent. So my kid /really/ loved them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece was 13 last year and I was asking my SIL about how many kids skipped the service and just went to the party. She said that in reality it happens a lot and it depends on if you invite the whole class or just good friends. My niece only invited her close friends and a few skipped the morning service and only came to the party. All explained why beforehand to my niece and she understood.

Most kids have their own activities on Saturday mornings and can’t skip them since they have teammates etc who are counting on them. I know for us this year my 11 year-old doesn’t have a free Saturday morning for months. Most people are reasonable and understand. We plan to have the kids skip Saturday activities for really good friends, but let them just go to the evening party for casual acquaintances. They kids do not want to have fewer kids at their evening parties because of morning conflicts. Kids don’t think like that.

I really don't know any child who went to regular activities like a baseball game, skipped the service and then partied in the evening. It's tacky.

It’s super common in our crowd, maybe because all the kids play travel sports. The kids are all in the same boat. They seem to do the best they can to attend the Saturday morning service while also not judging those who don’t (but come to the party) because they have a Saturday morning game or play for a coach who’s crazy strict about attending Saturday morning practices etc.

We all have a ton of experience at this point navigating these types of conflicts. Everyone does the best they can, and no one wants a kid to skip the evening celebration because they had a conflict in the morning. That’s just punitive and silly, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all.

So, if you don't give cash or a check, what gift do you give? Is it gauche to give a gift card to a place the bar/bat mitzvah kid might like (Sephora, Nordstrom, etc.)? Or a pretty necklace for a girl? Something like you might get for a regular birthday party?

Guess it's time to go clothes shopping, which DD needs to anyhow. This is just the beginning. I'm guessing she will be invited to at least 5-8 more over the next year...

Yes, it's gauche to give a giftcard under even regular circumstances. Plus, this is NOT a regular birthday party. We always give a check, or send our kids with a check.

For the friends from school...it's kind of a regular birthday party! For the close family it's a big event.