Has anyone stayed with a spouse after they had an affair?
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Anonymous
She does look beautiful. I wish she’d left her face alone, she’d look as or more beautiful today. |
Anonymous
Most work affairs and online affairs are with other married people. These idiots view it as “safer”. It’s been advertised as since the AP also doesn’t want their partner to find out there is less chance of them going crazy and trying to contact your wife and kids and the false sense of security that they are less likely to have STIs since they usually aren’t screwing around with anyone else. The APs I’ve seen look like your typical middle aged mom. |
Anonymous
| ^ this area is what I’m talking about. Not actors and Amazon owners and pro basketball player...just your typical DC lawyer, etc. |
Anonymous
OP I’ve been there and it sucks to say the least. It’s like dealing with a death. Anger, sadness, disbelief but the biggest feeling is insecurity. It makes you feel so unattractive no matter how beautiful you are. Why else would your spouse want anyone else? The only thing that heals is time and your spouse doing everything possible to make you feel loved and secure again. Remember it’s about them not you. Infidelity has been going on since the beginning of time and most women forgive and stay with their husbands. Men and women both get bored in a marriage and they want that excitement back from someone new. When I saw a picture of my ex’s mistress I was floored. She wasn’t attractive at all and I was gorgeous back in the day! But I partly blame myself for my exDH seeking an affair because I no longer wanted sex with him and made it obvious. I even told him to leave me alone and go get it elsewhere.  But in my defense he wanted it everyday and I had just had a baby and he didn’t want to wait the 6 weeks after a vaginal delivery. Plus he was very verbally abusive.
The affair that really crushed me was with a boyfriend who I really wanted sex with. Oh boy, talking about an ego blow! I would look in the mirror and see Jabba the Hutt after that one. 
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Anonymous
Yeah, never underestimate the Mutually Assured Destruction angle with affairs. Single women are way more likely to be uncool with the wife and cheating and to push for more in the relationship. Married women who don't necessarily want to get divorced far less so. A single woman who feels deceived and has nothing to lose is way more of a loose cannon. |
Anonymous
I wouldn’t be to certain of that. Many of those married women become just as needy and pushy. Many live in boring, sh@t neighborhoods far from the city and are looking for a lifestyle upgrade. The ones facing empty nest soon—especially so. |
Anonymous
| ^ that’s very true for the ones having an exit affair. They gradually turn up the heat and pressure which usually ends what was supposed to be a no-string thing. They aren’t upfront in the beginning “oh I just want to have some fun, etc”. That’s not what they are looking for. They want a guy with a pocketbook because they can’t afford to divorce/leave their marriages. |
Anonymous
Sure, neither of the above statements support the PP who is sure that all of the DHs having affairs are mostly affairing with single women. |
Anonymous
In my age bracket, I’m 50—all of the men were having them with married women. It may be that at that age bracket (we aren’t in Hollywood or Wall Street) so they aren’t getting 20-30 somethings. Most of the APs were your typical middle aged moms (40s-50s). A few recent divorcees cheating with married men out of spite of having been cheated on themselves. |
eastcoastmom
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OP here. It is difficult to believe that this was 5 years ago. I wanted to update to help others who are facing a similar situation.
-I ended up staying after a very brief separation. He did intensive therapy, an outpatient alcohol program, left his job (where the AP was) and has only worked at jobs which require minimal travel. Most importantly, we signed a post-nup with a cheating clause bc I made it very clear that I'm not going through this again. -My decision was heavily influenced by the fact that my parents are both deceased and the thought of giving up my family and having the kids 1/2 time was not even remotely appealing to me. My oldest DD also had anxiety and I think she would have really struggled. -my kids have thrived the past few years. DD is off to college and youngest is only a few years away. We have had memorable family trips, holidays, shared family experiences that I would not trade for anything. -BUT with all that being said, I will never truly feel the same and the biggest gift I gave myself was freeing myself from making any permanent decisions right away. I chose to stay bc it was right for me and my kids at that particular time. I do not know how I will feel when my youngest leaves and that is okay. My DH insists that he is in this for life but I still don't know for certain what I want to do. -Sorry for the long post but really just want to emphasize that you have to think about the specifics of your particular situation when making a decision and those specifics include your kids, finances, your support network and how much your spouse is willing to work for it. |
Anonymous
| Thanks so much for sharing this, OP! I'm so glad that things are stable for you and that you're enjoying your family. |
Anonymous
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"-I ended up staying after a very brief separation. He did intensive therapy, an outpatient alcohol program, left his job (where the AP was) and has only worked at jobs which require minimal travel. Most importantly, we signed a post-nup with a cheating clause bc I made it very clear that I'm not going through this again."
This is really striking. He really went all out to address whatever led him to have the affair and took drastic measures to make sure he didn't repeat it. Good for him. Not many people are able and willing to do this. I'm curious about what sort of therapy or work you did on yourself to manage through all the emotions and legal matters involved? I'm so glad to see you did a post-nup. That was so smart! |
Anonymous
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I second that. Thank you so much for updating us.
So sorry for the pain. I suggest going to a sex therapist and regaining your trust sexually so that you can put it all behind you once and for all. Why ? Because men marry women for sex, period. |
Anonymous
| NP here-glad that you had an experience where he was willing to put in the work. Mine just keeps on denying, so I am in for separation. Like yours, my parents are deceased, and I am absolutely going to hate the loss of family. We had so many good moments together, wish he had cherished those. |
eastcoastmom
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OP here--I did individual therapy in addition to couples therapy. Honestly, the first year was absolutely brutal. Did not think there was a path forward and I cried every single day and had intense triggers and ruminations. Took some anti-anxiety medication and sleeping pills for 6 months (not something I ever thought I would need to but it helped me get through the day). DH seemed to have a complete breakdown and so I also did most of the parenting for first few weeks until he got his act together. I was an attorney before becoming a SAHM so was comfortable with reviewing the post-nup and also made sure to discuss anything I might have overlooked with a few of my recently divorced friends. The post-nup was a huge relief bc I saw with some of my divorced friends how once the ex-DH moved on with another woman, he only wanted to provide what was legally mandated for the kids, not a penny more. I made sure my kids were protected with certain amount of annual bonuses, equity grants, etc. going directly to kids in addition to mandated child support in the event of a divorce. I think many people underestimate how much stress the financial aspect of divorce is. With that being said, there is nothing anyone can do unless both people are committed to making it work. |