Wife chronically depressed, blames everyone everything for her unhapiness&unfullfillment, I want out

ZachF
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Anonymous wrote:She should temporarily move out and figure out a way to get better on her own. Either she will, and she can return (if she still wants to), or she will get worse (because loneliness). Living alone will also help you to reevaluate whether that's better than living with a person who only carries 20% of load at home (as you said).

As other people said, she also needs different therapist/psychiatrist/meds, because current ones aren't working.

Meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt for you to see if you can get in better shape, for health reasons. (Don't go crazy with weight loss, because the pounds will often come back, but improving lifestyle and less stress could really help.)


That is totally worthless advice. There is no chance in hell he will be able to just kick her out. Even if he footed all the expenses to put her in a nice apartment and keep her fed, there is zero chance she will agree to that. And he can't force her to move out. She is right where she wants to be, dragging everyone down.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry things are like this and so rough. You know this already, but you can only do so much to help someone with their own mental health issues.

If you haven't already (I've not read the entire thread), it might not be a bad idea to seek your own counseling.


THank you for this.

FOr instance, I suggest going to work out, separately or together. I pick a class or gym for us to attend. She shrugs shoulders. I suggest or pick out an activity to do with the kids- museum, show type thing. She shrugs shoulders and either stays home alone or begrudgingly goes, checked out the whole time.

I cannot and should not live like this. You cannot fix someone who does not want to be helped or who is unwilling to take help/steps that are offered.

But I can't bear to do this to my kids right now, who are so young. And the thought of 2 homes and the financial upheaval is no good option.

OP, it's enough to get out of bed for someone in the depths of depression. When you suggest working out, she likely goes into a cycle of self hatred that she can't even do something as simple as that. It's overwhelming and too much. If she's staring into space, she's in trouble. I can tell you that when I had the behavior your wife is displaying, I was suicidal. She needs HELP.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.


You are one of DCUM's resident abuse-defenders, aren't you? You excuse any behavior from a mentally ill person, even abuse, because they are ill.

He has a duty to protect his children. The needs of the ill person do not trump everything, despite what you want to believe.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she was once vibrant she is ILL. Get her medical help. Don’t waste your time whining on an anonymous forum. Jesus.


Yep, it's all your fault OP. Thanks for the medical diagnosis, doc.

OP said she's depressed and is on medication. Therefore, she has the diagnosis already. Her doctor clearly doesn't know how bad it is. My guess is OP doesn't know how bad it is for his wife because he is super stressed taking care of everything.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.


You are one of DCUM's resident abuse-defenders, aren't you? You excuse any behavior from a mentally ill person, even abuse, because they are ill.

He has a duty to protect his children. The needs of the ill person do not trump everything, despite what you want to believe.

Being depressed is abusive? Who are you? If you were bed ridden with cancer, would you want your spouse to abandon you? Good for you that you have never experienced debilitating depression, but that doesn't mean you get to call her an abuser.
Anonymous
Empathy for you both OP. Does she have at least one friend/parent you can call in to spend time with her? Sometimes hearing from someone other than your spouse can be helpful.

I'm sure you're already done your research, but depression isn't something you just snap out of. The way you describe her as staring off into space and not even feeling up to taking out her laptop are textbook signs that she is not herself.

I won't tell you to stay or go, but there must be someone, just one person, she is/was close to other than you who can talk to her about changing her medication or going to therapy. Once on the right meds/dosage, you can reassess the quality of the marriage.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:If she refuses to get help, I'd work on the exit strategy.


Plus 1000. It sounds like OP and children are being abused if nothing more than neglect and verbal abuse.
Anonymous
PP here. Also, hire the housekeeper yourself. Don't set her up to fail. You've already identified that she is unmotivated because of the depression. Just make the call.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.


+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.
Anonymous
ZachF wrote:BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.

I'm a woman, and I agree with this.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.


You are one of DCUM's resident abuse-defenders, aren't you? You excuse any behavior from a mentally ill person, even abuse, because they are ill.

He has a duty to protect his children. The needs of the ill person do not trump everything, despite what you want to believe.

Being depressed is abusive? Who are you? If you were bed ridden with cancer, would you want your spouse to abandon you? Good for you that you have never experienced debilitating depression, but that doesn't mean you get to call her an abuser.


So the analysis is yes, you do think abusive behavior caused by depression is okay and just something the victim should put up with. Okay, OP, you can ignore PP.

I have experienced debilitating depression.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Depression is a medical illness. What have you done to help her manage her depression in terms of encouraging medication or therapy? You know, that whole in sickness and in health thing? You can’t complain if you haven’t truly helped. People with depression often are unable to take the initiative to get medical help themselves.

+1. OP, it's concerning that your wife is seriously ill and you want to cut and run. You realize suicide is a side effect of depression, correct? Help her. Do more. Do better. Yes, it's very hard on you I have no doubt. Get yourself into therapy and do whatever self care you can. But she is ILL. You don't just leave.


+1. OP, it sounds like that you want her to forgive your changes in the marriage (health condition, weight gain) but you don't want to forgive and understand what she is going through. I think you need to take a step back and read your posts. You don't seem to hear what your wife is saying because you are in your head space for the most part. She told you that you are not understanding what she needs but you are discounting that.

This is a medical issue that needs to be fixed. You have a medical issue and she is not leaving you for it but you are considering leaving her for her issue? How are you helping your family by leaving? How would you be helping yourself by leaving: you will need to pay alimony for a sick spouse, pay child support, and sharing your kids with a spouse who isn't medically at her best. It's worth it to figure this out for you as well as your family.

I think she needs different/better medical and psychological help, you need to go to counseling that can help you through this (as opposed to finding a counselor who will tell you to bail), and you two need communication help since neither of you feel heard.

You've got this OP. Make your goal finding a solution instead of inward focus on only you/your thoughts.


His weight gain doesn't hurt their kids. Her illness does, and significantly. Stop making false equivalencies.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
ZachF wrote:BTDT and wish I had some advice for you. I understand your pain and the hopeless feelings. IN my case, she was also an alcoholic and that's how she self-medicated, while refusing to even consider any kind of prescription even see a doctor. It did not end well but at least I got my kinds away from her.

Good luck to you. You will get a lot of people telling you to just hang in there, don't abandon her, get her the help and magic pills she needs to bring her back to reality, but the reality is, she needs to help herself and if she isn't willing, you really can't do much at all. You need to get mentally healthy yourself and get your children away from that toxic environment.

I'm a woman, and I agree with this.


I’m another woman who agrees. As someone who struggles with mental illness, it is on me to make sure that I’m getting the appropriate treatment and I’m on the appropriate medication that allows me to be a functioning and productive member of my family. Of course is wonderful if OP is supportive but to suggest this is all on him is ludicrous. If you have a disease you work to get help.
Anonymous

Haven't read the other posts, but PLEASE:

1. Complete medical check-up is vital. These could be symptoms of hypothyroidism or other illnesses.

2. If it's depression, that is a mental illness which needs to be treated, just like a physical condition. She may need to try several medications, be followed closely by a psychiatrist AND do therapy sessions, followed-up by doctor-recommended exercise and nutrition, etc...

3. Husbands leave their wives over such things more rapidly than wives leave their husbands. Don't be that person until you've had a good many years of trying to turn it around medically, otherwise you're a loser.
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