Marriage in trouble; husband cheated
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Anonymous
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DH and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2. We used to have a great relationship and have always considered each other best friends and lovers. However the past two years we have slowly been unraveling. Our lack of communication skills, resentment built up and anger got the better of us and we have been acting poorly towards each other. I take my responsibility in it. After we got married I changed. I guess I fell into "wife" mode and became serious and started hounding my laidback husband for a 5 year plan, next steps and developed anxiety. I put down his hobbies, his interests and even his earning potential. (yikes, I know!)
He told me I was being hurtful and to back off but...I wouldn't. Slowly he checked out and fell into a depression at the beginning of last year. I found out recently that he has been contemplating divorce with some of his friends and suspect he has cheated on me with a random online hookup or two. He has never confessed or admitted to it. My mind is reeling. I do NOT want to lose him and this is sort of a wake up call for me. I love him and us and want to make it work. Am I being too naive to think he only cheated because our marriage was in shambles and he wanted to feel better? Is it crazy that I sort of feel...responsible? What is the best way forward? |
Anonymous
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You should absolutely feel responsible for your role in the breakdown of the marriage and you are also responsible for the emotionally abusive way you treated him.
However it was his choice as to how to cope and deal with his unhappiness and with your actions. If he did cheat, that was his choice. Whether or not your marriage is salvageable depends on whether he also wants to salvage it. If he has been on the receiving end of put downs and pressure and there hasn't been much reward in it for him, he may have a hard time seeing a path forward. You also have to decide to accept that cheating and infidelity was how he coped and could cope again. I would start with seeing if he wants to stay married as a start and if you want to stay married to someone who wasn't faithful (if you have proof) |
Anonymous
| It sounds like his cheating is the least of their worries. She sounds mentally and emotionally abusive. |
Anonymous
| He don't know if he actually cheated. Maybe have a "come to Jesus" talk with him. Does he also want to save the marriage? Therapy? |
Anonymous
OP here. The thing is, I know a 100% that if we were at the top of our game in our marriage and were happy, say like 2 years ago, he would never dream of cheating or anything like that. I know this is a symptom of his unhappiness and deep hurt and anger at me. This has been a wake up call to me and I am deeply sorry for hurting him and crossing his boundaries. |
Anonymous
Step 1: 
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jabaltimore004
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| You only think he cheated, but you're carrying on as if you know he did. Which is it? |
Anonymous
| Are you willing to start therapy right away on your own to understand why you changed and how to manage your anxiety? Just as you may worry he'll cheat again (if he even did), he'd have good reason to worry you will revert to nagging wife mode and disregard his feelings and express wishes again going forward. Start saving your marriage or the future of your next relationship by working on your own problems now. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP, I hope you get some good advice here. You sound introspective, that is a good start.
I can identify as your husband, married to a woman who is/was my best friend, lover and confidant. As the kids came, she became more moody, more critical over little things. She makes comments about how I do things, react, etc that are not at all how I view myself or anyone else I know. We have some days that are better than others. our sex life has slowly gone from occasionally and decent to less occasionally and often "hurry up, I have things to do" I cheated, and I know its wrong but it is a self-esteem lifter and frankly it helps me stay married and sane. I am not actively cheating now, and hope not to in the future. I don't want to leave or lose my family. I would love to rebuild with my wife but she has to want to. Agree with others above, cheating can be reconciled if you both want to and both acknowledge room for forgiveness and improvement. FYI, I think these situations are incredibly common. |
Anonymous
| How old are you both? I always wonder about relationships that last so long before marriage. Clearly one party took a heck of a long time to be sure. Okay of very young but otherwise never seems to predict a good marriage. I’m guessing you don’t have kids. I’d cut your losses and divorce and do some heavy therapy before dating again. If your husband cheated, I do t thin that is excusable, but I also think what you did is every bit as bad. This marriage is just not good all around. |
Anonymous
| Is this the OP that got upset her husband went out with friends after 9pm? Have you posted before? |
Anonymous
| Set him free. Please. |
Anonymous
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He couldn't handle a 5 year plan?? lol
Sure you should have backed off, and no one should treat the other poorly. I don't think this should head toward divorce. Tell him what you posted and learn to relax. |
Anonymous
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OP- my husband left me 3 weeks ago.
Similar to your situation, however he did cheat years ago. We never addressed it. I let resentment build and it destroyed us. If I could go back and re-do I would in a heart beat. You have that chance I didn’t get. Tell him what you wrote here. Make an honest go of getting back to a better couple/partner. I do wish I could. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Its okay to want a 5 year plan. But putting down your partner--lack of respect--is marriage killing. If my husband didn't respect me, I would leave. Or look elsewhere if I felt caught. Cheating, flirting whatever is super tempting when you feel unappreciated by the one who supposedly is your number 1 champion.
So, you need to figure out whether you really want to stay married to him--as he is--or not. If you do you need to work hard to regain his trust (and the other way) but also accept him for who he is. He didn't marry you to change you. If you can't do that--if you know, deep down, that you will never be happy with him/his plan/his ambition/whatever, its better to apologize and separate cleanly, lesson learned. |