Marriage in trouble; husband cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- my husband left me 3 weeks ago.

Similar to your situation, however he did cheat years ago. We never addressed it. I let resentment build and it destroyed us.

If I could go back and re-do I would in a heart beat.

You have that chance I didn’t get. Tell him what you wrote here. Make an honest go of getting back to a better couple/partner.

I do wish I could.

Good luck.

Or, you could look at it like.... years ago he cheated and he never came clean about it. Why do you take his cheating on as your responsibility? Your DH cheated and never had the courage to come forward and explain his problems in the relationship and solve them. You are not responsible for his behavior even though it has an impact on you.

I hope that you find a better partner next time around.

OP, you don't even know if your DH has cheated (although I think gut instinct is often right). The question is really only about YOU. You know you are behaving inappropriately in the relationship. I advise YOU to go to therapy and get a grip on why YOU are behaving this way. Why did you give up focusing on your own life and focus on your joint life instead? Why are you pushing him about hobbies and other areas of his life which should be more or less up to him (is he doing hobbies to the exclusion of responsibilities?) Is your desire for a 5 year plan reasonable -- if you are pushing to buy a house or plan for retirement, then I'd say, yes!

While you're doing therapy, please do a 180. Focus on yourself and let your husband take care of himself. Make an effort to be positive and kind, even when you aren't receiving the same (it's not about what he is giving you and what he deserves back, it's about the kind of person YOU want to be).

In about 6 months, after you've done some work on yourself, you should talk with your therapist about how to incorporate your DH into the process. Think through with your therapist -- are the two of you fundamentally incompatible? Is there some space to change the negative patterns of the relationship -- if so, fess up to therapy and tell him you are unhappy about the negative cycle, realize your contribution to it, but since it's a cycle you both need to work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I hope you get some good advice here. You sound introspective, that is a good start.

I can identify as your husband, married to a woman who is/was my best friend, lover and confidant. As the kids came, she became more moody, more critical over little things. She makes comments about how I do things, react, etc that are not at all how I view myself or anyone else I know. We have some days that are better than others. our sex life has slowly gone from occasionally and decent to less occasionally and often "hurry up, I have things to do"

I cheated, and I know its wrong but it is a self-esteem lifter and frankly it helps me stay married and sane. I am not actively cheating now, and hope not to in the future. I don't want to leave or lose my family. I would love to rebuild with my wife but she has to want to.

Agree with others above, cheating can be reconciled if you both want to and both acknowledge room for forgiveness and improvement.

FYI, I think these situations are incredibly common.

Was your wife the default parent? Did you pull your weight? Did you ever try to find out why she was moody and critical? When kids come along it does change things. You seriously can't expect your wife to be *exactly* the same as she was before kids. Things do need to get done. You can't expect her to give you the same level attention pre kids. That's just unreasonable.

Does your wife know you cheated? If I found out that my DH cheated on me while I was also the default parent doing most everything I would be livid. You got to screw around while she took care of your kids and house?

[Anonymous]

OP has to be a troll. No cheated on spouses on this board ever admit their role in being cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I hope you get some good advice here. You sound introspective, that is a good start.

I can identify as your husband, married to a woman who is/was my best friend, lover and confidant. As the kids came, she became more moody, more critical over little things. She makes comments about how I do things, react, etc that are not at all how I view myself or anyone else I know. We have some days that are better than others. our sex life has slowly gone from occasionally and decent to less occasionally and often "hurry up, I have things to do"

I cheated, and I know its wrong but it is a self-esteem lifter and frankly it helps me stay married and sane. I am not actively cheating now, and hope not to in the future. I don't want to leave or lose my family. I would love to rebuild with my wife but she has to want to.

Agree with others above, cheating can be reconciled if you both want to and both acknowledge room for forgiveness and improvement.

FYI, I think these situations are incredibly common.

How long did you cheat for?

[Anonymous]

OP, what you are describing having done is not “wife mode.” It’s being a terrible partner. Don’t sugar-coat that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are describing having done is not “wife mode.” It’s being a terrible partner. Don’t sugar-coat that.

+1 I'm a wife. I'm not like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I hope you get some good advice here. You sound introspective, that is a good start.

I can identify as your husband, married to a woman who is/was my best friend, lover and confidant. As the kids came, she became more moody, more critical over little things. She makes comments about how I do things, react, etc that are not at all how I view myself or anyone else I know. We have some days that are better than others. our sex life has slowly gone from occasionally and decent to less occasionally and often "hurry up, I have things to do"

I cheated, and I know its wrong but it is a self-esteem lifter and frankly it helps me stay married and sane. I am not actively cheating now, and hope not to in the future. I don't want to leave or lose my family. I would love to rebuild with my wife but she has to want to.

Agree with others above, cheating can be reconciled if you both want to and both acknowledge room for forgiveness and improvement.

FYI, I think these situations are incredibly common.

Was your wife the default parent? Did you pull your weight? Did you ever try to find out why she was moody and critical? When kids come along it does change things. You seriously can't expect your wife to be *exactly* the same as she was before kids. Things do need to get done. You can't expect her to give you the same level attention pre kids. That's just unreasonable.

Does your wife know you cheated? If I found out that my DH cheated on me while I was also the default parent doing most everything I would be livid. You got to screw around while she took care of your kids and house?

I worked, she was SAH. She did most but I was definitely involved. No one expects the same level of attention post-kids but I assume its reasonable to expect some semblance of a sex life.

I admit what I did was wrong, not asking for your approval, and glad I wasn't caught so marriage can continue. There is blame all around.

[Anonymous]

Five year plan for what --- kids? That's reasonable. You want a plan. Did he not know when he wanted to have kids? How old are you, Op? How old is he?

[Anonymous]

This is a repeat poster. I remember a previous thread about someone complaining her husband wouldn’t agree to a five year plan and wouldn’t ditch his friends to stay home and cook every night with her. And everyone in that thread thought the poster was nuts. Looks like she’s returned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are describing having done is not “wife mode.” It’s being a terrible partner. Don’t sugar-coat that.

+1 I'm a wife. I'm not like that.

+2 I got hung up on that. This has nothing to do with being a 'wife' and to assert that her behavior has anything to do with being married is an attempt to excuse her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Only he knows why he cheated, if he did cheat. You are not responsible for his cheating; don't blame yourself. As far as earning potential and a 5 year plan, there's nothing wrong w addressing those things, esp if you want kids. Kids are expensive . Has he sought treatment for depression?

[Anonymous]

So you’ve treated him like shit for two years and now you’ve decided to make him the bad one by labeling him a cheater despite having no evidence he cheated?

If he has posted, people would unanimously tell him to get out now and to absolutely NOT have kids which the psycho he’s married to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I hope you get some good advice here. You sound introspective, that is a good start.

I can identify as your husband, married to a woman who is/was my best friend, lover and confidant. As the kids came, she became more moody, more critical over little things. She makes comments about how I do things, react, etc that are not at all how I view myself or anyone else I know. We have some days that are better than others. our sex life has slowly gone from occasionally and decent to less occasionally and often "hurry up, I have things to do"

I cheated, and I know its wrong but it is a self-esteem lifter and frankly it helps me stay married and sane. I am not actively cheating now, and hope not to in the future. I don't want to leave or lose my family. I would love to rebuild with my wife but she has to want to.

Agree with others above, cheating can be reconciled if you both want to and both acknowledge room for forgiveness and improvement.

FYI, I think these situations are incredibly common.

Was your wife the default parent? Did you pull your weight? Did you ever try to find out why she was moody and critical? When kids come along it does change things. You seriously can't expect your wife to be *exactly* the same as she was before kids. Things do need to get done. You can't expect her to give you the same level attention pre kids. That's just unreasonable.

Does your wife know you cheated? If I found out that my DH cheated on me while I was also the default parent doing most everything I would be livid. You got to screw around while she took care of your kids and house?

I worked, she was SAH. She did most but I was definitely involved. No one expects the same level of attention post-kids but I assume its reasonable to expect some semblance of a sex life.

I admit what I did was wrong, not asking for your approval, and glad I wasn't caught so marriage can continue. There is blame all around.

NP. There is not “blame all around” when one person cheats. Cheaters love to blame others for their bad actions. Take personal responsibility for what you did. We won’t even get into how commonly cheaters exaggerate their spouse’s failing so they can rationalize their bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

OMG! Just stop...she has NO EVIDENCE that he cheated! If he didn’t, and we have to assume he didn’t (because of that no evidence thing), this accusation is just another thing she’s doing to treat him like crap.