Marriage in trouble; husband cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

OMG! Just stop...she has NO EVIDENCE that he cheated! If he didn’t, and we have to assume he didn’t (because of that no evidence thing), this accusation is just another thing she’s doing to treat him like crap.

OP here. I have seen some inappropriate texts from DH to a few random numbers.
He has come home at 6 am where his find my friend tracker app showed he was at a hotel for about 30 minutes.

I have not confronted him as I am trying to decide what I want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I hope you get some good advice here. You sound introspective, that is a good start.

I can identify as your husband, married to a woman who is/was my best friend, lover and confidant. As the kids came, she became more moody, more critical over little things. She makes comments about how I do things, react, etc that are not at all how I view myself or anyone else I know. We have some days that are better than others. our sex life has slowly gone from occasionally and decent to less occasionally and often "hurry up, I have things to do"

I cheated, and I know its wrong but it is a self-esteem lifter and frankly it helps me stay married and sane. I am not actively cheating now, and hope not to in the future. I don't want to leave or lose my family. I would love to rebuild with my wife but she has to want to.

Agree with others above, cheating can be reconciled if you both want to and both acknowledge room for forgiveness and improvement.

FYI, I think these situations are incredibly common.

Was your wife the default parent? Did you pull your weight? Did you ever try to find out why she was moody and critical? When kids come along it does change things. You seriously can't expect your wife to be *exactly* the same as she was before kids. Things do need to get done. You can't expect her to give you the same level attention pre kids. That's just unreasonable.

Does your wife know you cheated? If I found out that my DH cheated on me while I was also the default parent doing most everything I would be livid. You got to screw around while she took care of your kids and house?

I worked, she was SAH. She did most but I was definitely involved. No one expects the same level of attention post-kids but I assume its reasonable to expect some semblance of a sex life.

I admit what I did was wrong, not asking for your approval, and glad I wasn't caught so marriage can continue. There is blame all around.

NP. There is not “blame all around” when one person cheats. Cheaters love to blame others for their bad actions. Take personal responsibility for what you did. We won’t even get into how commonly cheaters exaggerate their spouse’s failing so they can rationalize their bad behavior.

+1 agree. I'm betting she wasn't into sex because she was too tired and her hormones were going crazy after having kids. IMO, this is not all that different to a spouse getting sick fo a while, and the other spouse decide to step out because they have no self control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

OMG! Just stop...she has NO EVIDENCE that he cheated! If he didn’t, and we have to assume he didn’t (because of that no evidence thing), this accusation is just another thing she’s doing to treat him like crap.

OP here. I have seen some inappropriate texts from DH to a few random numbers.
He has come home at 6 am where his find my friend tracker app showed he was at a hotel for about 30 minutes.

I have not confronted him as I am trying to decide what I want to do.

Good -- wait to confront until you have concrete evidence. Go into investigatory mode now. Monitor phone, credit cards, bank account, emails, location, etc.

[Anonymous]

Aren’t you the OP of the thread about finding the inappropriate texts and confronting your DH? And he denied, you went to a hotel, he later admitted and apologized? And now you’re in another cycle of this? Oh man, this is not a workable marriage. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren’t you the OP of the thread about finding the inappropriate texts and confronting your DH? And he denied, you went to a hotel, he later admitted and apologized? And now you’re in another cycle of this? Oh man, this is not a workable marriage. Get out now.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

OMG! Just stop...she has NO EVIDENCE that he cheated! If he didn’t, and we have to assume he didn’t (because of that no evidence thing), this accusation is just another thing she’s doing to treat him like crap.

OP here. I have seen some inappropriate texts from DH to a few random numbers.
He has come home at 6 am where his find my friend tracker app showed he was at a hotel for about 30 minutes.

I have not confronted him as I am trying to decide what I want to do.

Where did he say he was until 6 am? Did you try to call him or text him at the hotel—something like “hey bitch, glad to see you’ve checked into a hotel since you’re no longer welcome at home.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

By what she told us here, she is not the victim. At least she did take some responsibility for the situation they are in.
He may not even want to try and save the marriage at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a repeat poster. I remember a previous thread about someone complaining her husband wouldn’t agree to a five year plan and wouldn’t ditch his friends to stay home and cook every night with her. And everyone in that thread thought the poster was nuts. Looks like she’s returned.

Do you think? This poster seems a lot more self-aware than that person, who was absolutely bonkers.

Pp, we spend too much time on here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

By what she told us here, she is not the victim. At least she did take some responsibility for the situation they are in.
He may not even want to try and save the marriage at this point.

this is not the first time the OP has created this thread - there are other recent similar ones, so don't be so quick to line up on her side. In no way am I suggesting to absolve the husband if he cheated, but OP has ISSUES and is giving the appearance of acknowledging her role in all of this (and it's messy and complicated). that said, you need to read the other threads to get a better picture of just how toxic of a home environment OP created. then, this claim of taking responsibility is not so meaningful after all.

[Anonymous]

Stick a fork in it , this marriage is done.

[Anonymous]

Yes, cheating is always a choice. But some choices are easy and some are hard, depending on the condition of the relationship. Both people are responsible for that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow....
I cannot believe the responses you have received here OP.

People are acting like you are the one who dropped the ball on your marriage & are putting the blame on you unfairly.

Yes - you do acknowledge your treatment of your husband.
You may have made a few mistakes in the past, and by the looks of it you have recognized this.

But your husband committed a much larger offense IF he did in fact go outside the marriage.
There is no question that if he did seek sex outside of your union, then he is the one at fault here....not you.

How sure are you that he did in fact commit infidelity?
Are you 100%?

Blaming the victim here (you) is very destructive.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his poor judgment + you need to stop taking it all.

I wish you both the best.
You guys have a tough road ahead.

By what she told us here, she is not the victim. At least she did take some responsibility for the situation they are in.
He may not even want to try and save the marriage at this point.

this is not the first time the OP has created this thread - there are other recent similar ones, so don't be so quick to line up on her side. In no way am I suggesting to absolve the husband if he cheated, but OP has ISSUES and is giving the appearance of acknowledging her role in all of this (and it's messy and complicated). that said, you need to read the other threads to get a better picture of just how toxic of a home environment OP created. then, this claim of taking responsibility is not so meaningful after all.

what other threads?

[Anonymous]

What was he reason for being at a hotel for 30 minutes? I'm sorry, but that amount of time suggests prostitution to me. It's usually 30 or 60 minutes and for a lot of men they don't need to full time they pay for. Please be careful and get checked for std's just to be safe. Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I hope there are no kids and this was a starter marriage? You were abusive, he cheated because of the depression.

Can this be put back if you change and he changes and both forgive and forget? Sure. The chance of success is probably 20%.