Anonymous wrote:I don't ask my husband. I go buy the supplies, start it, it annoys him I don't finish and eventually he does.

Anonymous wrote:My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to ask yourself do you extend that 'hand' to DH the way you want him to do for you? Do you know the dynamic that exists between your friend and her DH?

We don't know anything about you, obviously, but take a look at your relationship dynamic and ask yourself are you truly giving to each other in ways to make the other person happy? that's where i would start instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.

I want to hear OP's husband's version of events...

My husband will help out if I ask him to even if it's something I've started. But I also don't (1) do ridiculous things all the time and (2) always ask him to help me finish something I've started.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to ask yourself do you extend that 'hand' to DH the way you want him to do for you? Do you know the dynamic that exists between your friend and her DH?

We don't know anything about you, obviously, but take a look at your relationship dynamic and ask yourself are you truly giving to each other in ways to make the other person happy? that's where i would start instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

Start being the spouse you want. I do this a lot and just like magic DH starts offering to do a lot. Be grateful everyday for everything you have. My Dr recommended it btw.

Anonymous wrote:The other day, I talked with a mom in our neighborhood and she mentioned how that weekend her DH had helped her out with a big project at their house. It was a project she had wanted and started, but he was able to get the more difficult, labor-intensive parts finished quickly since he’s a guy and much stronger than her. It made me a little sad because my DH has never offered me help like that, and if I ask him he just says “it’s your project and I have zero interest in helping out”. It’s fine- I’ve known he was this way since we first started dating, and I’m okay with doing things on my own- but it made me wonder how many other couples are like this.

Not looking for advice, just wanted to know if you and your spouse help each other out, or do you do things on your own?

Anonymous wrote:I love puttering and projects. I do most of the normal upkeep on the house like painting and small carpentry repairs. There are times when I really need a hand - someone to hold the ladder, or lift the other end of the plank. But my DH would much prefer to hire out the work than do it himself, so it would be unfair of me to plan to, say, paint the porch this weekend and then expect him to join me in a day of painting. It's fair to ask him to run to Home Depot for me once, or ask him to cook dinner so I can keep painting, since he does benefit from the porch being painted. But not okay for me to hijack his time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.

I want to hear OP's husband's version of events...

My husband will help out if I ask him to even if it's something I've started. But I also don't (1) do ridiculous things all the time and (2) always ask him to help me finish something I've started.

OP here. Not sure what his version is, but as an example, we just purchased a new home but the backyard is unfinished and just dirt. We were going to hire landscapers but now DH has decided he wants us to move again within the next 2 years, so he won’t pay to get the yard done. I’ve been trying to do it on my own and he offers no help. Which is fine- a nice yard is much more important to me than it is to him- it just makes me a little sad when I hear about other husbands who actually give a crap. What’s also frustrating is he doesn’t want me spending time on the weekend working on the yard since that takes away attention from him.

He also isn’t interested in a lot of day-to-day things, like helping clean up after dinner, helping get DC ready for bed, family time that involves actual interaction rather than electronics, etc. I’m a SAHM, and I’m grateful so I’m okay with doing it all, I just wish he was a little more invested. PP described it perfectly with “buy-in”. It feels like he hasn’t bought into a family, he just wants to continue living his life and doing whatever he wants.