Do you do things you don’t want to?

[Anonymous]

Of course we help each other! Who else would you help but someone you’re in love with? He’s turned off the tv to watch me practice a presentation, I’ve helped him prep for a trial, he’s ironed clothes I need for a work trip. Your husband doesn’t seem like he knows how to be part of a team.

[Anonymous]

Yes, twice a week to keep our marriage happy! Though I have to admit sometimes I really enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

I think half of the things I do, or more, are things I don't want to do but they get done because they need to get done. It's akin to being in college where you have to take a bunch of required courses in order to study the good stuff. It may be the price of entry to enjoying a good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.

I want to hear OP's husband's version of events...

My husband will help out if I ask him to even if it's something I've started. But I also don't (1) do ridiculous things all the time and (2) always ask him to help me finish something I've started.

OP here. Not sure what his version is, but as an example, we just purchased a new home but the backyard is unfinished and just dirt. We were going to hire landscapers but now DH has decided he wants us to move again within the next 2 years, so he won’t pay to get the yard done. I’ve been trying to do it on my own and he offers no help. Which is fine- a nice yard is much more important to me than it is to him- it just makes me a little sad when I hear about other husbands who actually give a crap. What’s also frustrating is he doesn’t want me spending time on the weekend working on the yard since that takes away attention from him.

He also isn’t interested in a lot of day-to-day things, like helping clean up after dinner, helping get DC ready for bed, family time that involves actual interaction rather than electronics, etc. I’m a SAHM, and I’m grateful so I’m okay with doing it all, I just wish he was a little more invested. PP described it perfectly with “buy-in”. It feels like he hasn’t bought into a family, he just wants to continue living his life and doing whatever he wants.

I'm the PP who asked for your husband's version of the events. The fact that your husband DECIDED that you are moving again within the next two years is problematic. You don't seem to have a partnership on any level, whether it's parenting, house management, or decision making. I don't know what the dynamic was like before you had a kid, but if it was good, then maybe you can try to get back to that? Because right now you don't have a husband, you have a dictator.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you do things for DH that you don't want to do?

You know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of my day is doing things I don't want to do. I don't want to wake up or brush my teeth or drop off at daycare, go to work, on and on. But I'm a damn adult and just do it.

I can't imagine not helping dh. I love him and if he cares about a project, then so will I. Projects are pretty interesting too. Better than scrubbing toilets or other chores.

Eewww. I love brushing my teeth. You walk away all minty tasting. Makes you want to kiss somebody.