Do you do things you don’t want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other day, I talked with a mom in our neighborhood and she mentioned how that weekend her DH had helped her out with a big project at their house. It was a project she had wanted and started, but he was able to get the more difficult, labor-intensive parts finished quickly since he’s a guy and much stronger than her. It made me a little sad because my DH has never offered me help like that, and if I ask him he just says “it’s your project and I have zero interest in helping out”. It’s fine- I’ve known he was this way since we first started dating, and I’m okay with doing things on my own- but it made me wonder how many other couples are like this.

Not looking for advice, just wanted to know if you and your spouse help each other out, or do you do things on your own?

What help you need dear? May be I can help?

[Anonymous]

DH doesn't really have the time to help me out given his crazy job schedule. He does help as much as he can on little stuff, but big projects are just too time intensive. He is okay though with me paying contractors to do stuff as he can't help. Yes, it costs more, but his crazy job lets us afford to pay others. He used to be very cheap when we didn't have a lot of money, but he's change as he's realized paying others allows his minimal down time to not be filled with honey-do lists.

[Anonymous]

Well, what kind of stuff are you asking for help with? If it's an optional, decorative project, I would say no, too. Either see it through or hire a handyman.

E.g., this fall I decided to rake the leaves rather than hire the lawn guys to do it. I was sorry half way through but I never would have asked DH to help me. He wanted to hire the lawn guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can handle things myself but I'd be very bothered if I asked for help and DH said "I have zero interest in helping you." That has nothing to do with the project at hand and everything to do with how you treat the person you're supposed to love.

THhis is usntoo. Dh is not handy and is not a fan of doing those things (he does do yard work stuff though) but we make project plans based on what will benefit the whole family and he helps so it gets done faster. And I know when not to ask since he won’t do as good a job as i would (painting) but he will definitely help since he had a hand in making the decision in the first place. I help him with yard stuff too although I really don’t like it but it goes by faster with two.

[Anonymous]

When I read the title, I thought this was going to be related to sex. So disappointing....

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP who mentioned "buy in." DH and I always help each other but I wouldn't plan some big project and then tell him he's going to help. I'd ask what he thought, what his schedule was like coming up, etc. And he'd do the same for me.

Married 15 years and I can't remember a time DH said "you're on your own, toots" when it came to projects, especially if some muscle's needed.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a home project that benefits both of you, he should help. If it’s a fluff project he didn’t plan, maybe wasn’t even aware of, isn’t a necessary upgrade, and was totally your idea, you shouldn’t ask for help in my opinion. My DH doesn’t ask me for help on his pet projects like building a bar out of wood, and I don’t ask for his help buying hanging plants. Neither thing is necessary to do. We both are busy and cherish down time, so neither of us sees the need to drag the other into an “optional” project.

Sure it’s respectful to help out when asked, but it’s also respectful not to ask for help on unnecessary or frivolous things.

[Anonymous]

We hold strongly to the idea of spouses as a helpmeet. Basically, the whole point of marriage is to have someone to help each other out. Could I Uber to the airport? Sure. But having someone drive me there makes me feel loved.

[Anonymous]

It really depends. When my DH wanted to get a rental property, I warned him upfront that I don't want to be involved (based on previous experience with him owning an apartment before we married). But even then, when he needed me to climb onto the roof of the apartment building to cover the chimney (he is afraid of heights), I agreed.

I guess the thing is, if you have LOTS of projects that your DH thinks are frivolous, I can see how he wouldn't want to help, but if this is once in a long while and you ask for help, it's pretty rude to say no (unless he has a specific reason as to why he can't).

[Anonymous]

I'm not even married to my daughter's dad or dating him, but he helps me out and I help him out. Recently, our toilet was having issues and he came over for several hours and fixed it. He replaced a part in my oven. He's come over with his drill and put stuff together. He's always willing to help me with home projects that he knows will make my life easier, or pick up stuff for us if he's going to Costco, or order something for me on his Amazon prime because I don't have a membership.

I do stuff for him too. I feel like that's part of being in a relationship - friend, family or otherwise. Now it doesn't mean he would help me with just anything. I'm selective when I ask for help.

[Anonymous]

We go the path of least resistance and do as minimal as possible and prioritize only for necessary projects and don't mind paying others to do it if it means peace of mind for us. So yeah, if I wanted to dig up the front yard to plant stuff he might keep me company to chat, but I doubt he would help. But I am too tired to do a project like that, so is he.

[Anonymous]

My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.

[Anonymous]

I don't ask my husband. I go buy the supplies, start it, it annoys him I don't finish and eventually he does.

[Anonymous]

I love puttering and projects. I do most of the normal upkeep on the house like painting and small carpentry repairs. There are times when I really need a hand - someone to hold the ladder, or lift the other end of the plank. But my DH would much prefer to hire out the work than do it himself, so it would be unfair of me to plan to, say, paint the porch this weekend and then expect him to join me in a day of painting. It's fair to ask him to run to Home Depot for me once, or ask him to cook dinner so I can keep painting, since he does benefit from the porch being painted. But not okay for me to hijack his time.

[Anonymous]

My DH will always help when asked though sometimes there may be a grunt. But we are at a point in our lives where we can now afford to pay people to do a lot of the projects we use to do.