Do you do things you don’t want to?

[Anonymous]

The other day, I talked with a mom in our neighborhood and she mentioned how that weekend her DH had helped her out with a big project at their house. It was a project she had wanted and started, but he was able to get the more difficult, labor-intensive parts finished quickly since he’s a guy and much stronger than her. It made me a little sad because my DH has never offered me help like that, and if I ask him he just says “it’s your project and I have zero interest in helping out”. It’s fine- I’ve known he was this way since we first started dating, and I’m okay with doing things on my own- but it made me wonder how many other couples are like this.

Not looking for advice, just wanted to know if you and your spouse help each other out, or do you do things on your own?

[Anonymous]

I think this is key to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Both have to take turns taking one for the team. It's a balance because if one person does it more than another it causes resentment.

At the same time, it's also true that it's healthy and normal to have independent interests and activities.

[Anonymous]

Always help each other out. If it works for you and you signed up for it then don’t worry about it. In our situation we would never have it any other way. I couldn’t imagine my wife struggling with a home project and I sit idly by. I may help out with kids or do something else helpful.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we always help each other out.

[Anonymous]

Of course we do. I'm surprised your DH is so blunt as to say he won't help.

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed how many people professionally won't help a peer / colleague out. I constantly get requests, and am told by my boss "tell them no. I don't want you working on things that aren't driving results for our business and aren't on your personal scorecard". These are not requests that would take dozens or hundreds of hours of my time, or cost any extra resources. Often I could help the person out with maybe 60-90 minutes of my time total. It blows my mind.

Personally, my wife and I often divide and conquer projects, but make it a point to help each other out when one requests it. I'll be honest, sometimes I prioritize my projects over hers (and she does likewise), but eventually I will get to it when she says something like "I've asked you multiple times over the past 2 weeks to please help me with X." If I was a better husband I would probably prioritize her projects better, but I would never dream of telling her no.

[Anonymous]

Are these projects that do not benefit him in any way? Say, you're planning a birthday party for your best friend and need his help setting up. Still, my DH would help because he is not a dick, but I could see why your husband would say "not my project."

OR, are you painting the living room that HE will also live in and he says "your project"?

Big difference.

We both help each other with projects we don't want to do, because that is what you do for a person you love.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe your husband is so rude and selfish. My DH helps with anything I ask him to do and I am always doing some home projects that I need help with.

[Anonymous]

Sure I do. And DH helps me out. In the end, they help a common goal. It may not feel that way in the thick of things, but the things that help each other, help each other.

[Anonymous]

I tend to be the person who decides and plans household projects (so I'm rarely "the helper" in that sense) but I get DH's buy in if I expect him to help. For example, "We really need to clean up the back yard before spring, can we all do that this weekend?" and then we all pitch in. Or, I will ask him to watch our young kid so I can paint or trim the bushes.

We have certain separate chores - he does trash and recycling, I do daycare stuff - that we assigned specifically so that no one feels like they have to jump in and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course we do. I'm surprised your DH is so blunt as to say he won't help.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course we do. I'm surprised your DH is so blunt as to say he won't help.

Dp. I actually appreciate his honesty. At least he's not procrastinating or making excuses. He just straight up says no.

[Anonymous]

I can handle things myself but I'd be very bothered if I asked for help and DH said "I have zero interest in helping you." That has nothing to do with the project at hand and everything to do with how you treat the person you're supposed to love.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, my husband is not really the project type. If he asked me to help him rebuild a car engine or something like that, I would tell him, sorry, but no. If I asked him to help hang some curtain rods, he'd probably help me, but if I asked him to design a photo book, he'd probably say sorry, but he doesn't want to. Depends on the project! Is it necessary for the home or more for the fun of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to ask yourself do you extend that 'hand' to DH the way you want him to do for you? Do you know the dynamic that exists between your friend and her DH?

We don't know anything about you, obviously, but take a look at your relationship dynamic and ask yourself are you truly giving to each other in ways to make the other person happy? that's where i would start instead of feeling sorry for yourself.