Frustrated with anti-social wife/mom

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[Post New]10/31/2017 13:09
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:why is everyone piling on the OP. All she does is shop and spend the money he makes! Being that anti social is weird and frustrating ofr a couple and especially challenging for an outgoing and only child. Growing up with a "village' is a wonderful thing for kids. OP I think you should go ahead and separate and make this a trial run for your new life. Join the club as well and take your daughter to activities there. I think you will be so much happier.


I think OP's wife sounds like she's depressed and not a great mom and spending his money, so yeah, he should probably consider divorce.

That said, OP seems not to grasp that a country club is a VERY niche activity that projects a VERY niche image that a lot of people are uncomfortable with. It's not like, say, wanting to sign your kid up for swimming lessons. Everyone needs to learn to swim at some point, it's offered by parks and rec OR private lessons, and whether one takes lessons or not doesn't really convey anything about socioeconomic or other markers. But country clubs by definition provoke strong reactions from people. OP has to be incredibly unsympathetic to not understand that ALOT of people, regardless of job, income, depression etc, balk at the idea of a country club as a social entry.

Signed, mom who grew up UC, married to a DH who grew up dirt poor, who now both make lots of money, who both abhor the idea of country clubs.
[Post New]10/31/2017 13:09
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Anonymous
You seem very concerned about the social life of a four year old. Do you ever spend any one on one time with your child? Do you that no she would even like tennis? Expecting to enroll your four year old in a class so that she can make new friends for you both seems like a lot to put on a little girl. You don't seem to be thinking of her as a real person at all, only certain attributes of a person that can be helpful to you. I hope that you do divorce your wife and maybe she can find someone who will be a real father to this child.


you're reading a lot into OP's situatino--he explicitly asked whether he should join the club and do stuff with his daughter on his own--he seems more concerned about his wife refusing to engage with any family social life at all--I don't think its country club versus other socializing, it sounds like OPs wife is checked out--maybe depressed, maybe bored in her marriage , maybe hates her husband, but doesn't want to leave the financial security, who knows.

OP--its a chicken/egg question about whether the changes you've noticed in your marriage and your wife's withdrawal is a cause or an effect of a disappointing marriage but either way she sounds checked out. Is she an engaged mother ?Have you tried couples therapy? I would go ahead and do social things with your daughter and hope that your wife joins (or encourage her to suggest others) but not to expect it.
[Post New]10/31/2017 13:14
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:


PP, you had me at 3 figure, do you mean 5 or 6


I make literally tens of dollars every month ... believe it!
[Post New]10/31/2017 13:47
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froggymom
Member Offline
Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea at this time. Marriage is never easy and smooth sailing. It has to be worked at constantly.If you have grown apart, you can also grow back together. Seek professional help before giving up.
[Post New]10/31/2017 13:47
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froggymom
Member Offline
Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea at this time. Marriage is never easy and smooth sailing. It has to be worked at constantly.If you have grown apart, you can also grow back together. Seek professional help before giving up.
[Post New]10/31/2017 14:00
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Been married for six years (together for almost eight) with a four year old daughter. Over the years my wife and I have grown apart, I can't deny that. We've discussed our marriage and the issues we have, to the point where we discussed separating (discussed, not argued). The bottom line is, and we both agree, that we are just different people now. I'm more extrovert and she's become anti-social. We don't have the same interests anymore (compared to when we were dating). Everything has changed. When we got married I became more serious and mature, she stayed the same. Now, with a kid it's become a problem with our marriage.

She's a stay at home mom and our daughter is great. Very smart, mature and highly social. We send our daughter to pre-school/day care for six hours a day so she can socialize and it gives my wife time to herself for whatever (errands, shopping, cleaning the house, free time, etc). Recently, I've discussed joining a country club because I want our daughter to take up tennis and create new friends. I've been very fortunate to do well in my career. When discussing joining the country club my wife says "I won't do anything there, it's just for you and our daughter". For years I've tried to get my wife to become more social, to make some friends. But, every chance she gets she doesn't. I'm very frustrated because I can't imagine not wanting to be part of a place where you can meet people and at the same time your kid can play sports and meet new friends (since she's an only child).

She's not opposed to joining, she's just doesn't want anything to do with socializing. Her main hobby is shopping - literally. She would rather stay at home on the internet/iPhone than go out and socialize with other moms or people. I don't know what to do anymore, every turn she becomes more anti-social and I know down the line it's going to impact my daughter who is VERY outgoing. If I had to bet I would say we will likely separate within the next two years. We're in our 40s and we have discussed separating several times. It's so hard coming home to a house where your spouse and you don't agree on almost anything. We even disagree on how to raise our daughter! That's the worse part.

I don't know why I'm posting here. Perhaps I need to vent and parts of my life I don't care to vent to my friends. Now, the question is do I join the country club and take my daughter to her classes myself and use the club myself? Is it worth it considering my marriage not work? Do I do it just for my daughter?


You just rub me the wrong way. You can't imagine?

I don't mind meeting new people but I certainly don't go out of my way looking for new friends. You make it sounds as if it's something essential to survive. My wife is similar, she doesn't mind most of the time, but if she has to spend hours mingling with new people, she gets uncomfortable and I certainly don't blame her for that. My wife also doesn't like to interact too much with other Moms because there are often dramas over all kinds of little things, that's her personal experiences and I respect that.

You have a great career and you guys made the decisions together to have her stay at home, so what if she shops as a "hobby"? It's not like she's making expensive purchases multiple times a day all day every day, 365 days a year, at least not from what you described here. Maybe she just enjoys cooking for you guys? The food you ate when you came home, she made it. The house you live in, she cleaned it. Your cloth, she washed them. You really think she just sat there?

Sorry, for me you guys have other issues going on, the reasons listed are just silly.

[Post New]10/31/2017 14:01
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Anonymous
It is annoying that people on this board are automatically labeling the wife depressed. Maybe she is just an introvert.

I think it is reasonable for her to say that she is not interested in joining a country club so her DH can't get upset later on when she does not socalize. She is just not interested, and that is fine.

My husband and I are both introverts but we are frequently mistaken for extroverts. We find those group settings to be awkward and a waste of time. The DW in this situation could feel the same about the group mentality of a country club and there is nothing wrong with that.

It is a little strange that the child is in daycare 6 hours a day, but they can afford it, so who cares?

She does not seem to be cut out to be a SAHM, in my opinion, but I don't think there is anything wrong with her necessarily.

Is she really shopping all day? Somehow that seems excessive and maybe that is not the case.
[Post New]10/31/2017 14:05
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Anonymous
A PP here. OP, are you from a culture that largely believes depression isn't real or that depression is the fault of the person who is depressed (as in, "if she'd just get out and make friends then she wouldn't be depressed."?

I'm curious to know your *honest* opinion on counseling, either for your wife or for the both of you together.
[Post New]10/31/2017 14:49
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Anonymous
I think the country club thing is a red herring. The real issue, as it reads to me, is that OP and his wife have grown apart, and it pains him. He wants to be closer to his wife, to share more things with her, and she rebuffs him. That, I know, is hurtful. It's not unreasonable to want to create a shared social life and network for a couple. It's not unreasonable to want to find some things to do together. It doesn't have to be a country club, of course. But it seems to me the real problem OP is describing is the lack of closeness, and the fact that his wife is not receptive to his advances to do something about it.
[Post New]10/31/2017 14:50
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:

You have a great career and you guys made the decisions together to have her stay at home, so what if she shops as a "hobby"? It's not like she's making expensive purchases multiple times a day all day every day, 365 days a year, at least not from what you described here. Maybe she just enjoys cooking for you guys? The food you ate when you came home, she made it. The house you live in, she cleaned it. Your cloth, she washed them. You really think she just sat there?

Sorry, for me you guys have other issues going on, the reasons listed are just silly.



It doesn't take all day to cook dinner or to clean house. Clothes, eh, the washing machine takes care of them. It's not like she dragged them to the river to beat against the rocks.

Shopping as a hobby is pathetic and seems like a means to escape the emptiness. It is seriously the emptiest thing in the world to shop.
[Post New]10/31/2017 15:00
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:





It doesn't take all day to cook dinner or to clean house. Clothes, eh, the washing machine takes care of them. It's not like she dragged them to the river to beat against the rocks.


If it is no work to do these things, you can come over and do mine too. I won't pay you though, because it is not work.
[Post New]10/31/2017 15:03
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

You have a great career and you guys made the decisions together to have her stay at home, so what if she shops as a "hobby"? It's not like she's making expensive purchases multiple times a day all day every day, 365 days a year, at least not from what you described here. Maybe she just enjoys cooking for you guys? The food you ate when you came home, she made it. The house you live in, she cleaned it. Your cloth, she washed them. You really think she just sat there?

Sorry, for me you guys have other issues going on, the reasons listed are just silly.



It doesn't take all day to cook dinner or to clean house. Clothes, eh, the washing machine takes care of them. It's not like she dragged them to the river to beat against the rocks.

Shopping as a hobby is pathetic and seems like a means to escape the emptiness. It is seriously the emptiest thing in the world to shop.


I'm a SAHM and can't cook and clean so we have a housekeeper who cooks. This thread really makes me appreciate my husband.
[Post New]10/31/2017 15:26
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Anonymous
I'm waiting to hear about the friend who is all the things the wife is not.

Kids aren't automatically damaged from having an introverted parent, but they will take their cues from others, so watch what you're modeling for your daughter. Don't turn her into another intolerant clown.
[Post New]10/31/2017 15:56
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:





It doesn't take all day to cook dinner or to clean house. Clothes, eh, the washing machine takes care of them. It's not like she dragged them to the river to beat against the rocks.


If it is no work to do these things, you can come over and do mine too. I won't pay you though, because it is not work.


It's work. Just not a whole day worth of work.
[Post New]10/31/2017 15:57
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

You have a great career and you guys made the decisions together to have her stay at home, so what if she shops as a "hobby"? It's not like she's making expensive purchases multiple times a day all day every day, 365 days a year, at least not from what you described here. Maybe she just enjoys cooking for you guys? The food you ate when you came home, she made it. The house you live in, she cleaned it. Your cloth, she washed them. You really think she just sat there?

Sorry, for me you guys have other issues going on, the reasons listed are just silly.



It doesn't take all day to cook dinner or to clean house. Clothes, eh, the washing machine takes care of them. It's not like she dragged them to the river to beat against the rocks.

Shopping as a hobby is pathetic and seems like a means to escape the emptiness. It is seriously the emptiest thing in the world to shop.


I'm a SAHM and can't cook and clean so we have a housekeeper who cooks. This thread really makes me appreciate my husband.


Their child is in daycare. His wife is not a SAHM.
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