Anonymous wrote:How was it growing up in your family, OP? I am also the only daughter with two brothers (mine are younger.)
Growing up, my parents blatantly favored my brothers, especially the youngest. Things like they got their college fully paid for, I didn't (they both went to private universities out of state, I went to a state school, so it wasn't money.) My mom even told me that she was intentionally harder on me because "the world is harder on women and I want you to get used to it."
I won't get into all the details and examples, but MUCH more major favoritism in adulthood as well.

To be honest, because of that, when she gets to the point she needs help--my brother can help her if he wants, but I won't. And if my brother wrote me a letter like the one you wrote, I'd tell him to go to hell.

So I guess my question to you would be, can you honestly say that your mom treated you all equally growing up? Maybe your brothers harbor some resentment because they perceived you to be a favored child? Or maybe I'm just projecting.

Anonymous wrote:Don't write a letter, it will only cause more conflict. Do you really think your brothers are going to change their behavior because of it? I doubt it. I know what you're going through because I have two brothers like this -- they are very self absorbed and think they're God's gift. My family pays for my elderly parents' living expenses.

I think your best bet would be to send a targeted email to each brother that's a couple sentences long: "Dear Bro, as you know I've been paying mom's living expenses and it sure adds up. Could you please pay for her monthly electric bill? It's usually $100/month. Thanks!"

Anonymous wrote:I think your letter is not good. It is vague and not specific and does not ask for anything.

Also, for the love of god don't use unnecessary quotation marks in the first sentence. And then your second sentence could be said directly. you bet around the bush. And then you try to use guilt (you'll regret not spending time with her). It's just weak and passive and obviously the sister.

Be direct -

Hi all, We need to have a sibling talk. As mom has aged, I've taken on a lot of the tasks associated with helping her. It's been ok so far, but I need you to know what I'm doing now, and we need to discuss how we can make this equitable moving forward.

1. Mom's care costs between 1800-2000K. We've been paying this for X long, but as time goes by and this is becoming permanent, it's only fair that we split this cost. I know we have more resources right now, so I'm willing to cover half, if you two will cover 25% each. Can we discuss if this is fair? Can you contribute, and if so how much?

2. Mom needs a little more emotional support than we've been giving her. I visit her twice a year and call every three days. If we each visited twice a year, we could have someone with her every other month, if we spaced them out. Can you make this commitment? Can you call her at least once per week?

3. and then whatever else you want - for example - I take on all discussions with the doctor. There's also the maintenance on her place, the eye doctor, the foot doctor, the car (Whatever it is). Cn we divide this in a way that we each have shared responsibility?

If we talk to each other on a regular basis, I'm sure we can stay on top of it. Let's have a conversation this weekend - I'll set up a three way call. Thanks, Sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't write a letter, it will only cause more conflict. Do you really think your brothers are going to change their behavior because of it? I doubt it. I know what you're going through because I have two brothers like this -- they are very self absorbed and think they're God's gift. My family pays for my elderly parents' living expenses.

I think your best bet would be to send a targeted email to each brother that's a couple sentences long: "Dear Bro, as you know I've been paying mom's living expenses and it sure adds up. Could you please pay for her monthly electric bill? It's usually $100/month. Thanks!"

Yeah - I think the advice to be less emotional and less personal just direct is good advice - thanks!

Anonymous wrote:If you send a letter that is much shorter and to the point with a lot less antagonizing language.

A and B,

Mom's needs have been steadily increasing over the last few years and she needs all of us to help. Let's discuss how we can divide up the time and money items in a way that works for all of us.

And propose a time to discuss. Have a list of things that need to get covered and $.

Anonymous wrote:If you send a letter that is much shorter and to the point with a lot less antagonizing language.

A and B,

Mom's needs have been steadily increasing over the last few years and she needs all of us to help. Let's discuss how we can divide up the time and money items in a way that works for all of us.

And propose a time to discuss. Have a list of things that need to get covered and $.